Dad Is Fat

by Jim Gaffigan

Nursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor …

I’m pretty confident I’ll never have to tell my children to speak up. Our apartment may be small, but at least our children talk like they are on a helicopter. Maybe this is why grandparents eventually lose their hearing.

GPS VOICE: In one-tenth of a minute, your toddler will bump his head on the coffee table. Prepare to show sympathy and caring … Recalculating!