Dad Is Fat

by Jim Gaffigan

Just when I thought that nothing could top “Catholic Guilt,” I became acquainted with “Parental Guilt,” which totally puts “Catholic Guilt” to shame.

What if I saw my baby and I was like, “Yuck!”?

It’s not just the endless tasks and limited sleep. Motherhood is filled with executive decisions, and with each decision comes possible conflict with kids, husbands, and other mom friends.

Whoever came up with the term “terrible twos” must have felt very foolish after their kid turned three.

To other people you are never leaving at the correct time with your children. You’re either looked at strangely for leaving early—“You’re going already?”—or you’re the irresponsible parent—“Your baby seems really tired. Like he needs to go to bed.” It’s amazing that people with kids ever go anywhere.

The two major shifts in taste from childhood to adulthood are news and mustard.

I don’t want to get all political, but I am definitely pro–gum control.

I would trade money, sleep, or hair for a smile from one of my children in a heartbeat.