Dad Is Fat

by Jim Gaffigan

Why would he write a book? Why would they let him write a book? He doesn’t even seem like he’s read a book before.

Yes, I read the whole thing in your "audience voice," Jim. Well done.

There will be no intermission. Ever.

When you are discussing mini-muffins in a stand-up act, it’s not really necessary to curse or bring sex into the material.

This was written by my former son.

There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it.

Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.

I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website “comment” section.

Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.

They are constantly multitasking. I’m often not even tasking.

I think there is way too much pressure on doctors these days to be God-like saviors, and as a result there is much arrogance in the medical community.

LEADER: All right, how should we honor God? GUY #1: I say we don’t eat pork. LEADER: I don’t know. I like bacon. Anyone got anything else? GUY #2: What if we cut off part of our penis? LEADER: [Beat.] Okay, no pork. We’ll go with no pork, and I want Guy #2 removed from this building.

Five Little Monkeys: I’d think that after the second little monkey jumped off the bed and bumped its head, the doctor who the mama called would have been tempted to call Children’s Services.

Goldilocks and the Three Bears: No one ever questions why the Papa Bear and Mama Bear slept in separate beds. What was going on in that marriage? More backstory needed.

I’m not sure if Wheels on the Bus started as a book, as a song, or as a torture technique,

Nothing in my life has ever been as important as pushing the elevator button is to my three-year-old.

In one handcrafted picture, there was a toilet paper roll jutting out of the top area of the legs. I chuckled to an ironic T-shirted, fedora-wearing father, “That looks like a penis.” The father looked at me like I had just cut PBS funding, “What’s wrong with that?” I don’t know, everything? At that point, Jack arrived with his teacher. TEACHER: Oh, you saw Jack’s artwork. ME: [Beat.] I did. JACK: It’s my penis. ME: I recognized it.

The irony of the babysitting situation is that you need someone to watch your kids while you go out to earn the money to pay someone to take care of your kids. Your ultimate goal by earning the money is to be able to spend quality time with your kids, which is what you are paying your babysitter to do. The babysitting thing is my own personal Sisyphus story of endlessly rolling the rock up the hill and watching it roll back down.

Some of this is because at family gatherings you are forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a clinically insane person.

“Are you trying to catch up with the Duggars?” Yes, we are. We only need fourteen more children and we will win!

However, I was surprised how often so many people asked, “Are you guys done yet?” I’m always tempted to reply, “Why do you ask? Are you paying their college tuition?”

If this is an e-book version, please feel guilty about something else.

Will do.

“We’ve worked very hard to make our life here at home as comfortable and convenient as possible, so to reward ourselves, let’s travel to somewhere we’ve never been and try to survive for a week.”

After about an hour of bargaining with God, the ski patrol central got a radio call that a woman on the slopes had been hit from behind by a snowboarder.

Fucking snowboarders.

She had accidentally ended up on one of the dreaded black diamond hills.

Why does this happen so easily?!

I think she’s just allergic to the fact she would be the only one taking care of the dog.

Fair.

My parents never took me camping, and I think it was because they loved me.

They are sacred to the Lakota Indians, and out of respect, our government had someone carve four white guys’ faces into one of their mountains. LAKOTA INDIAN: These hills are sacred to us. CARVER: [Chiseling.] Yeah, yeah. I’ll be done in a couple of decades. These guys I’m carving were all about freedom. Especially the two who owned slaves.

When Gaffigan had his Twitter outburst a few months ago, some people were surprised at his politics, and some were pissed that he didn't speak up sooner, but he's never really hidden his progressive leanings. He just didn't highlight them. Like I just did on my kindle.

Last summer, we had four children, and I noticed there were only three Eskimo pies left in the freezer for dessert. The first thought that came to me was, “Well, looks like I’m eating three Eskimo pies.”

It is a natural instinct for the mother to make the child feel safe, protected, and comfortable. She is driven to do these things and actually wants to do these things.

And then there's this.

once you put bacon in a salad, it’s no longer a salad. It just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce.

I wonder if I highlighted this when I read the actual book... ETA: HA! I did.