Forget Your Morals (The Carlson Brothers, #2)

by Sarah Blue

To the amount of glory hole research done for this book. You’re welcome.

I thought by now my life would click together, I’d be married with kids and not making the same stupid fucking choices repeatedly.

It feels like my life is slowly crumbling apart, and I’m not sure how to catch myself. The only positive thing I have going for me is that Aiden gave me a job at his company, but it’s not what I see for my future.

A sex club shouldn’t be the sign I’ve been waiting on for what direction to take in my life, but here it is, beaming brightly in my face.

But then I look at myself, really look at myself, and I hate what I see. I know I’m beautiful with long honey blonde hair and blue eyes. A simple classic structure to my face, and clear skin. But being beautiful isn’t enough to make someone love you, I should know, seeing as I don’t even love myself.

It’s frustrating watching her never reach her potential. She’s smart and capable but dates the biggest losers you could imagine, but more than anything, that man putting hands on her nearly sent me over the edge. I’ve always had a slight protectiveness over my cousin. Maybe it’s because we always felt like the odd ones out.

This is what I wanted. To try something new and exciting and learn about myself while also shielding my heart.

I grew up constantly wishing I looked like her. That I looked like anyone in my family. It’s not that I don’t realize I’m attractive, I just never fit in. Anywhere she took me, strangers would ask about my blonde hair and what relative I got it from, and I didn’t have an answer.

“What if I don’t know who I am?” I ask, turning to face my cousin. “You’re Penny. You’re caring, loving, always have a smile on your face no matter what you’re going through. You’re

sunshine, and I don’t want to see you with anyone who tries to dull your shine ever again.”

But the Key Club feels like a safe place to finally express this feeling. If I don’t like it, I can easily walk away and never talk about it again. There are safeguards in place, and I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. In fact, no words will even be spoken.

It’s quiet in my apartment, something I treasured just the other day. But as I sit on my couch in complete silence I wonder if there’s more to life than just surviving, and if there’s anything that might save me.

Of course, out of all the women to interest me, it’s the one who’s faceless and enjoys the same anonymous kink I do.

I wish I was more like Aiden. He called for help when he needed it, and this is the place he can get his emotions out. Mine are bottled up and festering to the point of explosion. It’s only a matter of time before I explode with no outlet. Suffering alone has always seemed simpler than depending on the shoulders of others.

I should feel bad for her, feeling vulnerable and using it to get what I wanted. But all I feel is good. I feel better than I have in years. Penny makes the world go quiet, and I’m not sure how to handle that information.

I don’t comment, worried that she will change her mind. Life would be easier if we walked away from this, but I can’t. I’ve been searching for that piece that would make my life click together and I don’t know how or why, but Penny’s that piece. She makes me feel like the best version of me and fuck if I don’t want to do the same for her. I can’t even say I wanted something that deep with Vanessa.

God, fuck him for being perfect. So many guys that I’ve dated have gawked at the most tame things I wanted them to do to me. One of them acted like fuzzy handcuffs were beyond deranged.

“Then who is for me?” I ask.

He stares at me a long minute before he speaks. “The man who you can finally be yourself around,” he says softly, turning his face to watch the stupid show.

For the first time in forever, I’m lying next to a man, not wondering if I’m good enough. It’s freeing and heady, but it has an expiration date.

“So, you’ve convinced me to spend this weekend with you and we’re going to spend it lying in bed and watching shitty reality TV?” “Is it so bad that I just want to spend time with you, Pen?” he asks, grabbing my waist and resting his head on my lap. I play with his hair and realize how completely and truly fucked I am—this is more than just sex, and that’s not what I bargained for. Too late now.

For the first time in weeks, I’ve felt like a whole person, and it’s all because of Lincoln. We joked, laughed, and just talked all day. It felt so natural and easy. None of my relationships have ever felt like this, not even close.

I’ve been so good with order, liking my life organized and clean for so long. But right now I want to find long blonde hairs clinging to my suit jacket before going to work. I want every shower to be with her; I want to watch more stupid shows and get drunk and sing karaoke at Calamity with her. It all boils down to Penny. The woman who’s always been in front of me, but never a second thought in my mind. But then Avalon happened and everything changed.

Is it because she’s what I can’t have? No, it’s definitely more than that. Penny’s the first person to make me smile and feel so carefree in such a long time. I didn’t even feel a fraction of this with Vanessa and I thought I was going to marry her. She wouldn’t be a fraction of the wife or mother that Penny would be.

“I need to leave,” she whispers. “But you don’t want to.” “I know, that’s the worst part,”

I’m not good at this. At sharing my feelings, and being overly sweet and kind. But for Penny, I’ll do it. I just don’t know how to do that when she’s put her foot down on the whole situation.

“If you wanted to spend the weekend together, I’d cancel.” “Lincoln, I can’t do this,” she whispers. “I’d choose you, Penny.”

I don’t know how I manage to get through the morning at work. All I can think about are Lincoln’s soft eyes telling me he chooses me.

That’s all I’ve ever wanted, to be someone’s choice and priority, yet he’s the one person I can’t have. It would ruin everything. Men don’t stick around long enough once they truly get to know me.

“Needing to see me more is not a backslide, Penny. It’s understanding yourself.” I nod and leave the building, contemplating what to write into the letter.

I hang up the phone and stare at the dark, inky ocean in front of me. I either need to work on this obsession and give Penny up, or I need to convince her that this isn’t some fleeting feeling.

I always thought the phrase when you know, you know, was bullshit. Especially

since Penny has been in my face this whole time. But after everything we shared, I know she’s my person. She’s the one I’m supposed to be with.

Penny makes me want to be better. Fuck, I’ll buy a pair of Reeboks and learn to be nicer to people if that’s what she wants.

mind? I miss Lincoln, and I hate that I do. It’s not even just sex, I miss his smiles, his jokes, his touch. I miss everything about him and I wish I didn’t.

“Fuck you. I’m not being difficult. We decided that we wouldn’t do this, it was the weekend only. We can’t be anything beyond that.”

“No, Penny. You decided,” he says, his gaze boring into mine. “I know you miss me just as much as I miss you. Tell me you didn’t miss me and I’ll leave you alone.”

“No, you’re not moving. No, you’re not denying us what we both want. Just give me a chance, Penny.”

“I want you in my bed. I want to finish that stupid fucking show with you and feed you breakfast and fuck you into my mattress,” he says.

I want to give in. I want to tell him I want all the same things. That I’d happily go home with him right now if the circumstances were different.

“What happens when you realize that you like the idea of me, not really me, Linc? What happens when you get bored or decide you don’t want the same things as me? You’ll b...

“How could I ever get tired of this, of you?” he asks and I swallow, his words linger against my ear as I look over his shoulder and see that Jessa and Aiden are a...

Lincoln eats with one hand, and places the other back on my thigh. The worst part is? I love it. I love that he always wants to touch me, that he’s so into me, and he would scream it from the rooftops if he could.

“We need to stop this, Linc,” I say, moaning the lie right between my teeth.

“That’s the fucking problem. I can’t stop,” he says, his palm rubbing me in just the right spot as his fingers curl inside of me. “I can’t stop thinking about you, wanting you, needing you. It’s all your fucking fault, so you have to deal with it.”

No one has ever been as intense about me as the intense that Lincoln is. It’s addictive. Not only the way he’s seemingly obsessed with me, but I know part of the allure is the wrongness.

We’re not meant to be together. But despite everything, I want him, I need him just as bad.

“You’re not moving and this isn’t fucking over,” he says before turning around, unlocking the door, and leaving me behind.

Why am I so fucking weak when it comes to him? And why do I like when he tells me what to do? Every time I tell him no, he just pushes me harder and I like it. I like that he’s filthy, that he says and does the right things. I like it even more that he’s so into me. But I can’t do this.

He’s in a similar crisis that I am. Two lost people looking for solace in the depths of hell.