The Art of Letting Go: Stop Overthinking, Stop Negative Spirals, and Find Emotional Freedom (The Path to Calm Book 13)

by Nick Trenton

Letting go can be one of the most challenging and yet transformative experiences in life. Whether it's letting go of a relationship, a job, a dream, a belief, or a behavior, the act of releasing something that individuals have held on to for a long time can feel like a loss, a failure, or a betrayal of themselves. At the same time, however, it can also be liberating, empowering, and enlightening as individuals open themselves up to new possibilities, insights, and growth.

We will also address common myths and misconceptions about letting go, such as the idea that it means giving up or forgetting, and arrive at a more nuanced and empowering perspective that honors our past, present, and future selves.

At its core, letting go is all about surrendering control and allowing yourself to move on from situations that may no longer serve your best interests.

The dichotomy of control is a central concept in Stoic philosophy that emphasizes the importance of distinguishing between things that are within one’s control and things that are beyond one’s control. According to this doctrine, people should focus their efforts on the things that are under their control and accept the things that are not.

Another example of the dichotomy of control can be seen in relationships. In a romantic relationship, one partner cannot control the other's thoughts or feelings. However, they can control their own actions and reactions in response to their partner.

John could waste his entire life feeling angry and upset (even insulted) by the fact that Olivia does the dishes in a different way than he does, for example. But his mindset will shift when he realizes how utterly useless these feelings of anger really are—they will not change Olivia any more than being angry at the rain will cause the weather to become sunny.

According to Stoic philosophy, the universe is governed by a rational and benevolent force called the logos, which is responsible for creating and maintaining the order and harmony of the cosmos. The logos ensures that everything happens for a reason and that there is a purpose behind all events, even if people don't always understand it. This belief in divine providence and the rationality of the universe is what allows the Stoics to be confident about things they can't control.

By focusing on what is within one’s control and cultivating the right mindset, people can achieve inner peace, freedom, and a good life, regardless of external circumstances.

The faculty of judgment governs the way people think, feel, and believe. The faculty of desire guides one's desires and fears. The faculty of will directs one’s intentions, decisions, and actions. Using these faculties in proper balance can allow people to live a fulfilling and virtuous life. Epictetus' teachings are a reminder that people have the power to shape their own experiences and must take responsibility for their thoughts and actions in order to live a happy and meaningful life.

Whether one is facing a difficult work situation, a challenging relationship, or just the everyday stresses of life, embracing the dichotomy of control can help them maintain a sense of inner calm and clarity.

Before we dive in, however, it’s worth noting that learning to discern the proper use of one’s judgment doesn’t mean that one becomes an unfeeling robot, or that there’s no place for genuine emotions. We can strengthen our faculties and act wisely even though we experience strong emotions—we don’t have to suppress or deny them; we just have to understand them for what they are and refuse to allow ourselves to be governed and dominated by them.

Step 1 involves developing a constant focus on the present moment. A crucial aspect of the Stoic practice of the dichotomy of control is cultivating a constant focus on the present moment. This means training one’s mind to be fully engaged with what is happening right now, rather than being distracted by worries or regrets about the past, or anxieties or expectations about the future.

Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention to the present moment with an attitude of curiosity, openness, and nonjudgment.

By cultivating this sort of present-moment awareness, you can begin to develop a deeper sense of inner peace and calm and become better equipped to navigate the ups and downs of daily life.

Of course, it’s not possible or even desirable to live entirely in the present moment. The irony is that by cultivating mindfulness in this way, you are actually better able to engage productively with both the past and the future. This is because rather than your mind working anxiously and reactively, it works deliberately and consciously. This also brings us to the next step . . .

Step 2 of practicing the dichotomy of control is to develop the habit of constantly asking oneself whether a given situation or circumstance is under their control. This involves being mindful of one's thoughts and reactions and questioning whether they have any power to change the situation at hand.

If you are repeatedly drawn to something distressing in the past, ask yourself, is there a lesson there? Something for you to learn that you can apply now, in the present? If not, then there is really no point dwelling on it.

Similarly, if you’re anxious about something happening in the future (either real or imagined), then ask if there is something you can do right now to prepare for it or avoid it. If not, then it is not under your control, and you’d be better off learning to ignore it, tolerate it, or accept it and move on.

Step 3 of practicing and applying the dichotomy of control seeks to answer the age-old question "Is this under my control?" If one's answer to this is "partially," Epictetus advises individuals to make the best of the situation and leave the rest to providence. This means that individuals should take responsibility for what they can control and influence to the best of their abilities, but also understand and accept that some aspects of a situation are beyond their control.

By focusing on what they can control and accepting what they cannot, individuals can approach life with a sense of peace and equanimity, even in the face of challenges and adversity.

Instead of asking whether something is or isn’t in your control, it may be useful to ask, “What parts of this situation are in my control right now?” You could ask what parts are not in your control, but there really isn’t much to do with that information except move on. Asking what can be done, however, leads to an obvious next step: taking deliberate action to improve your situation.

Nonjudgmental thinking is the act of observing and recognizing one’s thoughts without attaching any labels or opinions to them. This mental state is important in letting go because it allows people to view their experiences objectively and without bias. Without nonjudgmental thinking, they may hold on to negative thoughts or emotions, creating unnecessary stress and anxiety.

Nonjudgmental thinking also enables people to accept their thoughts and feelings without shame or guilt, allowing them to move forward and let go of any negative or limiting beliefs. By cultivating a nonjudgmental mindset, they can gain a deeper understanding of themselves and the world around them, ultimately leading them to a more peaceful and fulfilling life.

At times, judgmental thoughts can keep people stuck in a cycle of negative emotions and prevent them from moving forward. For instance, consider that an individual made a mistake at their job, and their boss criticized their work. Instead of judging themself by stating that they are a failure or that they are incompetent, they can try to observe their thoughts and emotions with kindness and understanding. Doing so can help them see the situation more objectively and move past the negative emotions, which can hinder their progress. In essence, nonjudgmental thinking helps people adopt a more compassionate and accepting attitude toward themselves and others, which is vital in the process of letting go.

The ultimate goal is to cultivate a nonjudgmental stance, which means that individuals learn to recognize and accept things as they are, without labeling them as good or bad. In essence, the focus is on understanding and accepting the facts, rather than applying subjective judgments or opinions.

While making decisions is a natural part of life, it is important to be aware of one’s own judgmental thoughts and learn how to think without judgment in order to reduce emotional reactivity. By becoming more mindful of our thoughts and avoiding hasty judgments, people can cultivate a more objective and balanced perspective on the world around them. This can lead to greater emotional regulation, increased self-awareness, and more fulfilling relationships with others.

Nonjudgmental doesn’t mean artificially positive or optimistic, however. It just means we take a more neutral attitude and refrain from making sweeping emotional appraisals of things, ranking them, interpreting them, or denouncing them on moral grounds. Examined closely, these judgments tend to contain a whole world or distortion of the plain facts. Try to remind yourself of this next time you’re feeling emotional. If you were a completely neutral third-party observer, what would you see? Describing things in this way will take a lot (sometimes all) of the sting out of a difficult situation.

By applying the exercise of addressing repetitive judgments, individuals can become more aware of their negative self-talk and learn to cultivate a more positive and compassionate mindset.

By describing the judgment objectively, identifying how it makes one feel, and imagining a different reality without it, people can begin to challenge their negative beliefs and behaviors and cultivate a greater sense of self-acceptance and confidence.

Psychological distancing, or more commonly known as self-distancing, refers to the ability to step back and create space between oneself and a source of strong emotions or conflict. It involves taking a more objective perspective on a situation and reflecting on one's course of action rather than being immediately dominated by emotions or impulses. The ability to engage in psychological distancing is an important skill that can help individuals regulate their emotions, let go of the past, improve decision-making, and reduce the negative impact of stress on mental health.

Healthy self-distancing involves taking an observer's perspective on one's own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to gain greater self-awareness and insight. By creating psychological distance between oneself and one's experiences, individuals can gain a more objective and reflective perspective on their own internal processes. This can facilitate greater self-awareness, help individuals identify patterns of behavior or thought that may be causing distress, and promote insight into one's own values, goals, and motivations.

Psychological distancing can also promote the ability to let go of negative experiences (Kross, 2012). By creating space between oneself and a source of conflict or strong emotions, individuals can gain a more reflective perspective on the situation and identify strategies for moving forward. This can involve reframing the situation in a more positive light, focusing on the aspects of the situation that are within one's control, or identifying new strategies for coping with difficult emotions or experiences. By letting go of negative experiences in this way, individuals can promote greater resilience, reduce the impact of stress on mental health, and cultivate a more positive outlook on life.

Remember, psychological distance is all about creating mental space between yourself and the problem by looking at it objectively rather than emotionally.

Being enmeshed with thoughts and feelings often comes with a sense of hurry and urgency. But resist this urge and slow down. You’ll cool off more quickly and be able to see more clearly.

Self-distancing will engage individuals in cognitive reappraisal. This involves reinterpreting a situation in a more positive or neutral light, and can be particularly useful in situations where individuals are experiencing negative emotions or stress. For example, if an individual is facing a difficult challenge or setback, they may try to reinterpret the situation as an opportunity for growth or learning rather than a failure or setback. This can help them reframe the situation in a more positive and constructive manner and promote greater resilience and well-being.

Chapter Takeaways ● Letting go is often used in psychology to describe the process of releasing attachment to something or someone. It may refer to letting go of negative thoughts, emotions, or behaviors that hold an individual back from reaching their full potential. ● The dichotomy of control is a central concept in Stoic philosophy that emphasizes the importance of distinguishing between things that are within one’s control and things that are beyond one’s control. ● One essential component of the Stoic philosophy's dichotomy of control involves developing an unwavering concentration on the present moment. This involves instructing one's mind to remain wholly involved in the current experience, rather than being sidetracked by concerns or remorse about the past, or concerns or anticipation for the future. ● Nonjudgmental thinking is the practice of acknowledging and identifying one's thoughts without affixing any characterizations or viewpoints to them. This mindset is crucial when it comes to letting go, as it empowers individuals to look at their experiences objectively and without any partiality. ● Psychological distancing, also called self-distancing, pertains to the capability of creating distance between oneself and the cause of intense emotions or conflict. This involves adopting a more impartial outlook on a circumstance and thinking about one's choices instead of being swiftly swayed by emotions or urges.

critic and the negativity it breeds. Changing one’s mentality from perfectionism to “excellentism” can make all the difference in life. Additionally, practicing nonattachment and curating one’s media consumption are two other tools people can use to break free from negative thought patterns.

By learning to better understand and manage one's inner critic, people can cultivate greater self-compassion, let go of negative ruminations, and approach the world with a healthier mindset.

The concept of the inner critic is a widely recognized phenomenon in the field of psychology. It refers to the negative voice that many of us have in our heads that judges, shames, and criticizes us for our perceived flaws and shortcomings. This inner voice can be particularly loud during moments of vulnerability and can be a major barrier to personal growth and development.

Cultural norms often reinforce the belief that feedback given in the form of criticism and guilt-inducing comments will motivate behavior. However, the idea that negative reinforcement leads to positive change has been disputed by experts.

When someone is criticized, the result can often lead to increased feelings of shame, fear, and resentment (Baumeister, 1995) Although it can give individuals a sense of control, these types of comments can lead to a negative cycle of self-doubt and criticism. Even when people use these thoughts with themselves, it can further perpetuate their "inner critic" and leave them feeling stuck. It's important to recognize the detrimental effects of harsh criticism and instead strive for constructive feedback that leads to positive growth and development.

you might not literally hear the words “You’re not good enough” in your mind, but you may automatically, unconsciously “know” that there’s no point in you trying something new because it’s obvious that you won’t be good enough. Your unquestioning belief in this inferiority is evidence of just how long you’ve been telling yourself the same story.

When people receive communication from their brain that triggers feelings of shame and anxiety, their natural response is to avoid it. This avoidance may seem like a short-term solution to ease one’s discomfort and reduce anxiety. However, avoidant behavior does not lead to any positive change or motivation. Instead, it can manifest as procrastination, overeating, excessively watching TV, or constantly checking your phone. These behaviors can even go as far as avoiding the source of what is causing them discomfort, such as people, places, or activities. The key to moving past this avoidance cycle is to recognize it as a coping mechanism and to actively choose to engage with what makes us uncomfortable—only then can people truly motivate themselves to change.

One way to address the influence of the inner critic is to focus on the application of wisdom, strength, and love. This approach involves developing an awareness of the origins and impact of the inner critic and taking proactive steps to disengage from its negative influence. Wisdom refers to the ability to recognize the difference between the voice of the inner critic and one’s own true self. This involves developing the skill of mindfulness and learning to observe one’s thoughts without judgment. Through the practice of mindfulness, people can learn to recognize when the inner critic is present and begin to challenge its negative messages.

Instead of, “I’m an idiot and said something stupid,” they could gently reframe the thought as, “I fumbled a little there, but it’s not the end of the world. My communication skills are improving, and I’m proud of my efforts regardless.”

An important note here, however: becoming aware of your inner critic does not mean criticizing it! It may seem obvious, but you won’t challenge that judgmental inner voice by becoming judgmental of it in turn. Try to simply become aware, to notice, but not to judge or catch yourself out.

The next step is to identify the situation that may have triggered the inner critic. This could be a particular event, interaction with someone, or even a thought or memory. It is important to remember that the inner critic is often triggered by situations that are perceived as threatening or challenging. Once individuals have identified the situation, they can start to explore their authentic feelings about it.

Often, the inner critic is trying to protect people from feeling these vulnerable emotions, such as fear, shame, or rejection.

experience. By allowing themselves the space to feel these emotions, people can start to let go of the protective mechanisms of the inner critic and develop a more positive and compassionate relationship with themselves.

In summary, becoming aware of the presence and impact of the inner critic is the first step in overcoming its negative influence. By identifying the situations that trigger the inner critic and exploring one’s authentic feelings about them, people can begin to let go of the protective mechanisms of the inner critic and develop a more positive and compassionate relationship with themselves.