The Art of Letting Go: Stop Overthinking, Stop Negative Spirals, and Find Emotional Freedom (The Path to Calm Book 13)

by Nick Trenton

Here individuals need to ask themselves “What are some self-criticisms that you are aware of hearing yourself say? What self-criticisms are you aware of hearing yourself express?” By identifying these negative thoughts using the second-person perspective, people can begin to challenge their validity and develop a more positive and compassionate relationship with themselves.

Another self-criticism may be, "I always mess things up." This negative thought can lead to feelings of hopelessness and a sense of being stuck in a cycle of failure and disappointment.

instead of saying "I'm so stupid," she could say "You made a mistake, but everyone makes mistakes. It's okay to not be perfect." This way, Janine is speaking to herself in a kind and empathetic manner, rather than being harsh and critical. By practicing this type of self-talk, she can develop greater self-compassion and improve her emotional well-being. She may also find that she is better able to cope with setbacks and challenges, as she is not being held back by negative self-judgment.

Next, individuals need to connect with that sentiment. Fear is a natural emotion that can be triggered by any number of scenarios. Whether it's a fear of spiders, heights, or public speaking, there’s always something that sends shivers down one’s spine. But people seldom ever stop to consider what lies beyond the fear itself. When people experience fears or anxieties, it can often be accompanied by a host of other genuine emotions, such as sadness, frustration, or even anger. It's important to recognize these emotions as separate from any potential shame triggers, and to give oneself the space and understanding to work through them. By acknowledging and connecting with these emotions, people can better understand the root of their fears and take steps toward overcoming them and letting them go.

The nature of our negative core beliefs and fears is that they are protective and limiting. They are ossified, habitual ways of thinking that we adopted long ago in order to cope with life as best we knew—at the time, anyway. If negative core beliefs are there to protect us and help us cope, then we may never really want to learn about what it is that we are protecting ourselves from, right? The whole point of coping mechanisms is to avoid that negativity! That means, however, that we can become deeply unaware of the things we are constantly avoiding and escaping, and have serious blind spots we’re not willing to look at. The irony is that it’s these very blind spots that most need our attention. It's important to recognize that there are opposing feelings as well, and reactions to these self-criticisms. So, what do you say to that voice that tells you you're useless? It's time to start reframing those negative self-talk patterns and instead focus on more positive and uplifting thoughts. Hearing these self-criticisms may evoke negative emotions such as shame, guilt, or anger. By getting in touch with these feelings, someone can begin to explore what may be triggering their negative self-talk. They may be afraid of feeling vulnerable or exposed, or they may fear the consequences of not living up to their own or others' expectations. Some authentic feelings they may be having about this situation that aren't related to shame triggers might include frustration, disappoint...

Express your reaction. Finally, it is essential to recognize and address one's genuine needs.

Let's take the example of Jess, who has been struggling with anxiety and negative self-talk from her inner critic. Jess often feels overwhelmed and nervous, and her inner critic tends to tell her that she is not good enough, that she will fail, and that she should avoid taking risks. To start, Jess becomes aware of her negative self-talk and recognizes that it is coming from her inner critic. She begins to pay attention to her thoughts and feelings, noticing when the critical voice starts to chime in. She also takes note of the situations or triggers that tend to set off her inner critic, such as social situations or work-related tasks. Next, Jess takes a moment to connect with her emotions and determine her genuine feelings toward these situations. She recognizes that her fear of failure is a big driver behind her inner critic's negative self-talk. She also realizes that what she really needs is to feel more confident and supported, rather than constantly questioning herself and doubting her abilities. With this in mind, Jess begins to speak to her inner critic using third-person pronouns. She expresses empathy for her inner critic's fear and anxiety by saying something like, "I know you're feeling scared and unsure right now, but I'm here to tell you that I'm okay. I'm capable of handling whatever comes my way." She then expresses her reaction to the negative self-talk by saying something like, "Your critical voice is not helping me right now. It's preventing me ...

Individuals often find themselves stuck on a particular task or idea because of their perfectionist tendencies. Nobody is alone in experiencing this. Perfectionism can hold people back in many ways, but there's a healthy alternative: excellentism. Coined by psychology professor Patrick Gaudreau at the University of Ottawa, excellentism involves setting high standards for oneself, but not allowing those standards to become unattainable or detrimental to one’s well-being. Rather than beating oneself up for missing the mark, people can choose to be open to new experiences, employ creative problem-solving, and learn from their mistakes as they continue to strive for excellence. Letting go of perfectionism doesn't mean people settle for mediocrity; it simply means they acknowledge that progress, not perfection, is what matters most.

No one is perfect, and expecting flawless performances every time is not only unsustainable but also damaging to one's mental health and self-esteem.

Perfectionism doesn’t make people better—it makes them more brittle and fragile.

It's important to recognize that progress is not always linear, and that celebrating small victories and learning from mistakes is essential for growth and self-improvement.

It's important to remember that perfection is not actually attainable, nor is it necessary for success. It’s an illusion, no matter how possible it seems or how desperately you feel you must achieve it. Instead, people should focus on doing their best and celebrating their achievements, no matter how big or small. This is the opposite of black-and-white thinking—it’s the ability to think in the nuanced grey areas, where life happens in increments, as a process, and in fits and starts.

Perfectionists may also struggle to handle failure, as the stakes are often so incredibly high in their minds. This can lead to procrastination and avoidance, which can ultimately impact their success.

Excellentism seems to be a more balanced approach to setting high standards for oneself without the detrimental effects of perfectionism. By focusing on excellence rather than perfection, one can still achieve their goals and maintain a positive outlook when things don't go according to plan. Embracing mistakes and learning from them can be a powerful tool for personal growth and development. It's important to keep in mind that excellence is a journey, not a destination, and that progress is more important than perfection.

In essence, excellentism is about focusing on the journey toward excellence, rather than being fixated on a perfect outcome. It's about setting realistic expectations for oneself, striving for improvement, and embracing mistakes as opportunities for growth.

Being an excellentist can actually be good for one’s mental health. It might sound counterintuitive, but individuals who strive for excellence often exhibit higher levels of healthy anxiety, conscientiousness, and intrinsic motivation. Not only do they make greater progress on their life goals, but they also report higher levels of positive well-being. What's even more intriguing is that they don't suffer from the negative effects of perfectionism commonly associated with high achievers, such as burnout, procrastination, and depression. So, perhaps it's worth striving for excellence after all (Stoeber & Otto,

Basically, it is perfectionism with some healthy boundaries and limits built in as a kind of pressure-valve.

Additionally, practicing self-compassion is key when it comes to overcoming perfectionism. People should treat themselves with kindness and understanding, and remember that it's okay to make mistakes or fall short of their own expectations. Celebrate small victories along the way and focus on making progress, rather than striving for absolute perfection.

Nonattachment is the practice of letting go of the need to control, cling, or possess things in life. It does not mean becoming detached or indifferent, but rather, accepting that everything in life is temporary and constantly changing. By letting go of attachment, we can experience greater freedom and less suffering. We can more easily adapt to change and find inner peace. It is important to remember that practicing nonattachment is a process and requires consistent effort. However, through this practice, people can gain a deeper understanding of themselves and the world around them.

Unhealthy attachment refers to the situation when individuals connect their entire sense of self or identity to things, relationships, and/or beliefs. The error is in believing and acting as if impermanent things were permanent. This is a lot like perfectionism—it is a way, in essence, to fight with reality and push against what is natural and real. Such attachment results in the fear of losing them or the desire to accumulate more, which ultimately leads to making choices based on external circumstances rather than one's inner values. It can also make the nature ebbs and flows of life seem so much more of a problem than they really are. The idea is not to detach and not care; the idea is to recognize that nothing lasts forever, and behave accordingly.

Material attachment involves defining oneself based on possessions, such as clothes, cars, electronics, or living in a certain way. Core beliefs behind this attachment can include a kind of mental fusion with the things we own—i.e., “If I own lots of luxurious, expensive things that are worth a lot, then I must be worth a lot, too.”

Personal attachment can be seen in people-pleasing, taking on too much work, not being able to say no, avoiding conflict, settling for negative relationships, and sacrificing one's well-being for others' demands. Individuals with personal attachment may also hold unrealistic expectations of themselves and others, define themselves through another person, and take others' behavior personally. Distorted thoughts can include things like “Unless everyone approves of me, I’m a bad person.”

Beliefs attachment is characterized by perfectionism, feeling attacked when others disagree, avoiding experiences that challenge one’s beliefs, refusing to consider alternatives, limiting oneself to like-minded relationships or environments, feeling intense anger when things happen outside of one’s beliefs, feeling the need to get others on one’s side, or holding on to stories of disempowerment. The person who believes “It’s me against them; the world and everyone else is my enemy” is someone who has become far too attached to their own opinions, worldview, and perceptions.

The path to nonattachment involves letting go of one's identity in relation to things outside oneself and coming back to one's true self. It is a journey of self-discovery and acceptance that requires awareness, mindfulness, and the ability to let go of desires, fears, and expectations. By practicing nonattachment, individuals can experience freedom from suffering, inner peace, and a deeper connection with themselves and the world around them.

“If we fearfully cling To what we have, We will never be able to discover Who we really are.”

The principle of nonattachment is often misunderstood as a practice of detaching oneself from the world. In reality, the core meaning of nonattachment is to detach oneself from the idea that the world defines who we are. People define their own world, and in order to do so, they need to begin with understanding themselves. This can be achieved through practices such as nonattachment meditation or yoga, or even by simply taking time throughout the day to observe where external factors are influencing one’s definition of self. As people consciously release these external labels, their inner barriers will begin to dissipate and their true self will have the opportunity to shine through and flourish. It is through this practice of nonattachment that people can truly discover and embrace their authentic selves. The concept of nonattachment is prevalent in many spiritual traditions, with the idea that attachment to things can lead to suffering. In Buddhism, this is one of the Four Noble Truths, highlighting the importance of letting go of one’s attachments. Similarly, Aparigraha is one of the fundamental ethical rules in yoga, emphasizing the need to practice non-greed and nonattachment. Even the Gospel of Luke in Christianity has teachings on not being attached to material possessions. While it may seem counterintuitive to not hold on to things people value, perhaps true freedom is found in releasing oneself from the things that weigh one down.

Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) is a therapeutic approach that emphasizes psychological flexibility. In ACT, attachment is a key concept that is closely tied to the ability to observe one's thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. This allows for a more flexible response to the present moment, rather than rigidly following the mind's rules, old schemas, or shoulds. ACT distinguishes between "self-as-content" and "self-as-context" to clarify the difference in perspective. When an individual is attached to self-as-content, they may believe that the stories their mind tells them about themselves are true and may not see the bigger picture. For example, someone might believe that they are good at math and bad at writing or that they are a good mother. However, this attachment to one's ego can be problematic when things don't go as expected or when change occurs. Being stuck in self-satisfaction may prevent someone from paying attention to important feedback that could help them grow. On the other hand, self-as-context is a way of looking at oneself that allows for more flexibility and options. Rather than being attached to the ego, self-as-context acknowledges that an individual is constantly changing. They may be good at math and bad at writing at one time, and the opposite at another time. They may be a good mother in some situations but not in others. Self-as-context encourages individuals to see themselves with an open mind, from different perspectives, and to understa...

Normal is overrated. People are constantly bombarded by societal standards that tell them how they should look, think, and behave. But what if we were to tell you that these expectations are entirely made up? According to Steven Hayes, there is no universal definition of "normal" when it comes to mental health or intelligence. Rather, each individual brings their own unique set of skills and strengths to the table. So instead of comparing oneself to some imaginary "normal" person, why not focus on one’s individual progress? Whether it's developing a new hobby or improving relationships, the important thing is to measure oneself against one’s own personal benchmarks. As writer Joseph Ciarrchi says, let's find a way to "do our life, our way" and embrace the wonderful quirks that make us who we are. After all, normal is just a setting on the washing machine.

In order to cultivate nonattachment and reduce attachment to ego, individuals can adopt a practice of "sometimes" thinking. The idea is to recognize when the mind is creating inflexible self-stories such as "I am" or "I can't," and instead add the disclaimer "sometimes" to such thoughts. This creates space and helps one to recognize the impermanence of the self. For example, someone who believes "I am anxious" can shift to "I am anxious sometimes." This practice can help people see themselves as more than the story their mind creates and be open to exploring options and taking risks.

Practicing nonattachment can be challenging, and fostering interdependence can trigger defensiveness, especially if one has been hyper-independent all their life. Therefore, one important aspect of nonattachment is being open to feedback. Often, individuals have rigid beliefs about themselves and are resistant to others' ideas. However, this can hinder growth and adaptation over time. Therefore, being open to feedback is crucial for personal and professional development.

Overall, practicing nonattachment involves letting go of attachment to being right, being open to feedback, recognizing one's interdependence, and adopting a "sometimes" mindset. By taking actionable steps toward nonattachment, individuals can lead more fulfilling and adaptive lives.

To practice nonattachment and hold multiple perspectives, it can be helpful to ask oneself reflective questions. For example, one can ask what stories they tell themselves that stop them from moving forward, what roles they hold in their family or workplace that may be limiting them, and what would become possible if they let go of those roles. By challenging and expanding one's perspective in this way, they can begin to see their experience from many different angles.

Reflective Questioning: What specific thoughts and feelings are you experiencing about this situation? What underlying assumptions are you making about your friend's intentions and actions? What evidence do you have to support these assumptions? Is there any evidence to contradict them? Are there any personal biases or past experiences that may be influencing your perspective on this situation? How would you feel if you were in your friend's shoes? How might they be experiencing this situation? What is your ultimate goal in this situation? Is holding on to your anger and frustration helping you achieve that goal? Are there any alternative ways to view this situation or approach it that might be more constructive? What actions can you take to address this situation in a way that aligns with your values and goals, and that takes into account the perspectives and feelings of both yourself and your friend?

Conscious media consumption describes the practice of being mindful and intentional about what media people consume and how they consume it.

In essence, conscious media consumption means being present and intentional with one’s media usage, allowing people to reap the benefits of positive media while minimizing the negative effects on their mental health.

In conclusion, media consumption plays a significant role in one’s mental health and well-being. The chain of negativity can be broken by being cautious and conscious of the media people consume, prioritizing positivity in one’s feeds, and setting time limits on apps.

Chapter Takeaways ● The notion of the inner critic is a well-known concept in psychology that pertains to the pessimistic voice that often exists within our minds. This voice evaluates, disapproves, and rebukes us for our perceived deficiencies and limitations. ● Patrick Gaudreau, a psychology professor at the University of Ottawa, introduced the concept of excellentism. It entails establishing lofty benchmarks for oneself, but not letting those standards become unrealistic or harmful to one's health. Instead of self-criticism when falling short, individuals can opt to embrace novel experiences, utilize innovative approaches to problem-solving, and learn from their errors as they persistently aim for excellence. ● Nonattachment is a technique of relinquishing the urge to manage, cling to, or possess things in life. It does not imply becoming disconnected or apathetic, but rather accepting that everything in life is transient and in a constant state of flux. By releasing attachment, individuals can encounter greater independence and less distress. ● The expression conscious media consumption pertains to the practice of being attentive and purposeful about the media that individuals choose to consume and how they consume it. Stephanie Harrison suggests that this requires individuals to pay attention to both the content of what they consume and their manner of consumption.

There is a powerful connection between having a growth mindset and being able to let go. When people cultivate a growth mindset, they believe that their abilities and intelligence can be developed through effort and persistence, rather than being fixed traits. This perspective empowers them to see failures and setbacks as opportunities for growth and learning. By embracing a growth mindset, they are more likely to let go of limiting beliefs and self-doubt, and instead focus on their ability to learn and improve. They become less attached to their mistakes and more willing to take risks, which can lead to greater success and fulfilment in all areas of their lives. Letting go becomes easier when they trust in their own abilities and know that they can continue to grow and improve over time.

Change is an inevitable part of life, and individuals who embrace it are more likely to adapt to new situations, learn new skills, and grow as individuals. Without a growth mindset, change is a threat and something to be avoided. If we understand learning as a kind of change, then you can see how having a fixed mindset makes it impossible to learn, to grow, and to develop. Change often brings challenges, and individuals who approach those challenges with a growth mindset are more likely to learn from them and find solutions to overcome them.

Fear of change is a common human emotion, and it can be driven by a variety of psychological factors. Zaval, Markowitz, and Weber (2015) conducted a study to investigate people's preferences for maintaining the status quo versus taking a risk and making a change. They found that individuals tend to be loss averse, meaning they are more sensitive to losses than gains. This loss aversion leads people to overvalue the costs of changing and undervalue the potential benefits. In the study, participants were presented with different scenarios and asked to make a choice. The researchers found that people were more likely to take risks when the choice was framed as a loss, rather than a gain. This suggests that people are more motivated by the fear of losing something they already have than by the potential benefits of change. Overall, the study highlights the importance of understanding the psychological factors that underlie people's fear of change and refusing to let go of what is familiar.