Magical Midlife Madness (Leveling Up, #1)

by K.F. Breene

“Oh, that. Well, your dad shot an elk last year, but it wasn’t big enough to warrant stuffing the head, so he took the skin. It struck me—what was that Native American tribe that scalped people?” I stared at her, struck mute. “All the white men at the time acted so superior about that, didn’t they? How barbarian to scalp a kill, they said. And look at this! He cuts off heads and hangs them on the wall, and when that isn’t glorious enough, he scalps their bodies. Who’s the barbarian now?” My mom pursed her lips and turned down the bed. “That’s…” Best to ignore. Except… “Why is it in the corner? In a pile?”

“Why do you use this closet? Why not your closet?” “There’s a bunch of old clothes I don’t wear in my closet.” She pushed a few things over, sparing a couple feet of hanging room. “There. That should do you. You mostly wear sweats anyway, right? You don’t need to put those in here. They can stay in your suitcase.”

“Ladies do not swear,” my father said in disapproval even though I hadn’t gotten to the swear word. “Fathers do not wander around the house without clothes on when their grown daughters are home, Dad! What are you doing?” My mother turned from the sink, only then turning off her music. “What’s the matter—oh for the love of… Pete, put some clothes on!”

“Jacinta Evans, when you speak to someone, you look them in the eye,” my father scolded. “Pete, you have your testicles out. Of course the girl is going to look away!”

“I am not your great uncle anything, but my name is Earl, yes. You may call me Tom.” “Tom,” I said, searching his face for a joke. If it was there, it was hidden behind the scowl. “Mr. Tom,” he said. I was pretty sure my eyebrows had gotten lost in my hairline. “Mr. Tom.” I squinted at him. “Are you kidding, or… I can’t tell if you’re kidding.” “I am a butler. I never kid.”

I glanced at the car, debating, then shifted my gaze to the deserted street. “What’s the crime rate around here? Probably pretty quiet, huh?” “Only if we’re not raided. Or hunted. The uncrowned alpha has been all the protection we need, though I fear we are adrift. Someday he won’t be enough, and then where will we be? Dead, that’s where. Dismembered, flayed, burned alive, what have you.” Was it just me, or was this guy completely bananas? “Okay. I’ll just take my purse with me.”

Mr. Tom took one step back. The rock landed precisely where he’d been standing—the distance incredible, the aim unbelievable, Mr. Tom’s nonchalance about having an old woman throw a rock at him disconcerting. This sort of thing clearly went on all the time.

“That’s good. Nice area, huh?” “Pure dumpster fire, this place.” I smiled at the joke, then realized it wasn’t a joke and looked down at my dry sandwich.

Of course, it wasn’t that Jacinta was old. Niamh herself was pushing four-hundred. Earl might as well just roll over and die. Edgar was as old as dirt. Literally. He was so old he didn’t even function right. The vampire had turned from a hunter into a gatherer. His clan had shrugged and waved goodbye.

“Super heroes were created by miserable Dicks who can live greatness only through the page. I live it through my life.” Oh super. He was delusional. I’d definitely be buried in the yard before all this was over.

Before I could pull my gaze away, Niamh said, “Lost it in the war.” “Wh-what’s that?” I struggled to say, clearly caught looking. So embarrassing. “The tit. Lost it in the war.” “Oh…the Vietnam War, you mean?” I’d almost said World War Two. “What do I look like, a yank? No, the war on breast cancer.

“Though what’s the deal with that cape? I’ve never seen someone wear a cape over an old tux. People don’t mysteriously go missing around him, do they?” “It’s never mysterious,” Niamh answered. “They leave so they don’t have to listen to him.” Some things you just couldn’t argue with.

“Thanks,” I said, taking the sweater. “But you didn’t have to come all the way down here…” “When ma’am cannot wait to receive an item, of course I must follow her to her destination, or how will she get it?” He straightened his arms at his sides and bowed. I couldn’t tell if that was a nice gesture, or severe disapproval. Probably both.

Niamh leaned toward me and murmured, “You didn’t think it was at all ridiculous, sure you didn’t.” “I was too busy drooling to think much of anything.”

“I’ll do it.” “Do what? Get lost or fall on your face?” he asked with a wry grin. “I never fall on my face. On my butt, yes. My side, sure. Down some steps and onto my back? That has happened, yes. But never on my face. I”—I raised my finger—“am a professional.”

“You’re right, I do not understand that. I am not going to call you by your full name, I’ll tell you that right now. The lot of you are crazy. I’m not climbing aboard that train.” “And yet, you just debated on the merits of slitting a perfect stranger from neck to navel versus navel to neck, and decided on stabbing and ripping any way you chose.” “Yeah. That’s just logic. Besides, we were in a battle.”

Tears filled my eyes. “You’re a good man, Charlie Brown. Even if you do randomly flex for no reason.” His smile was soft. He gently removed my hand. “How about getting you home?” “Okay, but before we get there, let’s steal all of Niamh’s rocks. She’ll be so mad.”

Before I could feel too contented, I caught sight of Edgar walking across the grass, dragging a half-naked body behind him.

“Oh no, he’s fine. It was just three steps,” Edgar said. “He’s okay. When he wakes up in a couple of hours, he’ll be tired, maybe a little hungover, but nothing serious.” He said it with absolute confidence, like this wasn’t the first time he’d removed a man’s shirt and dragged him out of the yard by the ankle after he fell down three steps and somehow started bleeding from the neck.

“I can’t.” I shook my head, utterly defeated. “I can’t with any of this.” “Totally understandable. I get what you mean,” Edgar said, walking with me across the rocks. “I don’t think you do.” “No, I don’t, but I wanted to provide a united front.”

I sighed. “Did you take a class on being unhelpful or something? It feels like we’re having two different conversations.” “I did not, and we are.”

You’re so old, Father Time pities you.

“Young dudes being dragged across the lawn, hot middle-aged men talking about being the town alpha, the weirdest butler in the history of people, and now a room full of militarized dolls? What kind of Hades’s honkeytonk had I landed in? And here I am, in the middle of it all, looking around the closet for moving wooden carvings? This is bad. I’ve slid past a midlife crisis—I’m on a crash course toward insanity.” It didn’t help that I was full-on talking to myself.

The guy that held me pivoted and stomped on my phone. “No!” I yelled, balling my fists. “What do you think I am, made of money? Why would you do that? Just freaking turn it off.”

“I’m not with him, no,” Niamh said, motioning to Austin. “I’m with them.” She gestured behind us. Glancing back, I could just see Mr. Tom and Edgar walking down the middle of the street, Mr. Tom’s cape billowing out behind him. The first man laughed. “What a hilarious little town. The four of you geriatrics are its protectors?”

“I can make sure it will be me,” the man said, his tone silky. “I will make sure that it isn’t,” Austin replied, absolutely no bravado in his promise. It sounded like he was stating a fact, and his confidence made it absolutely believable. His confidence, and the rough viciousness of his voice.

He laughed again. “Felix, bring her—” “Sorry.” Niamh wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. “I should’ve introduced ya —this is Austin Steele.” A quiver ran through the two men. The smile dripped off of the first man’s face and his body froze. The man holding me squeezed harder in reflex. He jerked me around, directing his Jessie-shield at Austin. “Ah. Austin Steele,” the first man said, his voice tight.

She turned to Edgar, crawling out of the bushes, green shoots sticking out of his clothes. “And what the hell do you think you’re doing?” “I don’t know,” Edgar answered reflexively, quailing under everyone’s attention. He shrank back into the bushes. “Why’d you bite her then?” Niamh demanded. “I don’t know,” he repeated, eyes wide. The bushes shook around him. “He’s panicking,” Earl said, his comforting smile withering in the face of Austin Steele’s stare. “He’s a vampire—you know how they are. Bite first, ask questions later.

Earl involuntarily gulped and thought about joining Edgar in the bushes. Niamh was the only person in this whole town who would even think of butting heads with Austin Steele. She’d always been one joker shy of a full deck, but every so often she went a step further and pulled on the devil’s teats. No one in their right mind wanted to be in Austin Steele’s way when he lost himself to his beast. The woman was mad.

No one will bother an old Irish woman with one tit and a bad attitude. An illegal one, at that. There are many porches in the world. I can throw rocks at strangers from any one of them. But Edgar there won’t fare so well. At his age? He’ll be sold to an old rich man for a vampire hunting party. He’ll be the hunted, o’course. And Earl there will continue to be useless until he eventually goes insane running around the inside of those walls, spying on dust motes.” “Firstly, I am anything but useless—” Earl said. “Your old employer would beg to differ.” “—and second, there are no dust motes in that house. I am very exacting in my duties.” He finished by mumbling, “And it’s Mr. Tom, now. As so dubbed by the future chosen. I always wanted to be called Tom. No last name, either. Just Tom.”

“Can you stop saying that word?” Earl asked, pained. “Breast or mammary gland or—” “You think I’m going to walk around and call it a mammary gland, do you?” Niamh shot back, fire sparking in her eyes. “What am I, a doctor?” “Better than tit, like some backwoods goblin with a stone for brains,” he replied, his voice rising. “Though, I guess, if the shoe fits—”

“Someone paid attention in magical school.” Niamh grinned. “I didn’t go to school,” Edgar said. “I was a field hand before I was turned. They wanted to keep us uneducated and illiterate so we couldn’t think for ourselves.” “I didn’t mean… That’s not…” Niamh rubbed her eyes in annoyance. “We’ve all got problems, man.”

“Are we in danger?” I asked, tensing. “Because of Earl?” He shook his head, now clearly incredulous. “No. That’s part of his nature. Gargoyles are extremely protective of those in their charge. He has clearly decided you are in his charge, and even though I’m all the protection you need, he’s providing fairly odd and obvious backup. I think being fired from that butler job addled his brain. I really do. I don’t think age can take all the blame for this one. He’s gone fruit loops.”

“I don’t usually talk about this,” he said with resolution, “but given this is a unique situation, and if you invite people into this town I’ll have to combat…” “I mean, it’s not like I’m going to send out save the dates or anything. None of this is my idea.”

“Just checking in, miss,” Mr. Tom said, popping his head through the door, his hat, trench coat, and glasses removed. His expression was wary. He must’ve seen the change in Austin. “Everything okay? Day going well, I trust? How’s the wine? Good enough to attract all these infernal tourists?”

He nodded, closed the door, reapplied his coat and accessories in full sight of everyone, and resumed his post in the window. “What would he even do if I did need help?” I asked as I ran my hand down my face. “Niamh at least throws rocks.”

“You belong in that house. You’re just as cracked as your butler,” he wheezed. “You were having a touching, tear-soaked moment. I wanted to ruin it for you.”

I knew what Destiny from his past must’ve been thinking. How exciting it would be to have a man who was ferocious and lethal to everyone else melt against you in the small hours of the night. To know your man would keep you in a cocoon of safety, protected from all of life’s demons, and would tear down the world to keep you there. Something about that spoke to the parts of me that were distinctly feminine. But that man was a menace, as Austin had found out the hard way. And even if he wasn’t, life with that guy would get dull. You’d have to stand around and wait while he crushed heads, yet again.

“Anyway,” he said. “I read people in order to know who might make a play for power. Who might get out of line, and how much work will be required to make them submit.” “So that you stay on the top of the food chain?” “Yes.” “You’ll be really handy when I start dating again, then,” I said. His head snapped toward me. A small crease formed in his brow before he turned back to his wine. “Yes,” he said, the word almost like a growl, then took a sip. “Very.”

“I think being left alone in that big house for so long has been very bad for him. I wish I’d known. I would’ve…I don’t know…sent someone to terrorize him or something.”

He laid out a little blanket, gave us a couple of pillows, and set about opening the wine. With everything out, he closed up the enormous canvas bag he’d transported everything in. “How…” I looked at all this stuff, which one person shouldn’t have been able to carry, and certainly not so quickly. “I’ll be close, miss, in case…you need anything.” He bowed. As he turned away, I heard, “Like mace.”

“Well if you’re going to hang with Mr. Tom, you’d better have enough cash for odd disguises.” I bent over, laughing. “Didn’t you hear? He said I could call him Tom now. I’m in.” “Unlucky you,” Austin said. Mr. Tom’s disembodied voice came out of the growing darkness. “I can hear everything you are saying. I am not amused, just so we are clear.” I laughed harder.

“I mean, I could, but I have a series to binge on Netflix, and it’s a couple of miles out of my way…” He chuckled and took his hands away. “Of course I’ll escort you home.” “Don’t worry, I’ll have Mr. Tom fly you home after.” “I take my joke back. It was in poor taste. Please don’t ever suggest that again. That’s not a man I want to share a space bubble with.” “You don’t want to kiss that friend, huh?” “I am still in hearing distance,” Mr. Tom called. “And I find this chatter highly insensitive. Like a bunch of crude barbarians carrying on.”

I felt like I was in my own twisted sort of fairy tale, only instead of the handsome prince, I had a geriatric gargoyle.

“As weird as it is…yes. I do. I feel at home there. For the first time, I feel like I’ve found a place I’d be happy to stay.” “Then fight for it. Claim the future you want.” “But the battle part, and the danger…” “I’ll handle the battle and the danger. I said I’d guard you, remember? I’ll be your armor. Nothing will hurt you while I am at your back. Nothing will get to you.” His last words were said on a growl. His eyes burned brightly.

“Okay. What are you, again? Bigger than your brother, right? What’s your brother? A donkey, maybe, and you’re a war horse?” “I’m much more effective than a war horse. And my brother is a tiger. He inherited the sexier animal.” Austin winked. Bigger than a tiger?

Outside was worse. My four allies had created their own carnage. I wasn’t complaining, because they’d saved my bacon, but good lord was it gross. Not to mention morally ambiguous.

“Well.” The front cop looked around a bit more. The one in back kept his eyes trained to me. “Okay. Just keep the noise down.” “Yes, sir. Of course, sir. Sorry, sir!” “Don’t grovel to them, we haven’t done anything wrong,” Niamh said. “Would you shut up, woman? We just buried—” I kicked Mr. Tom. The two of them needed to be separated at all times. That was utterly clear.