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Oh sweet Jesus. Sweet mother fucking fuckery of fucks.
We both look at Gavin’s shirt that boldly states, “They shake me.”
but at least it won’t also include ruining a man’s self esteem by pointing and laughing at his junk.
“Sorry, the answering machine doesn’t have a battery either,” I joke. “Probably because you took the batteries out of every single major appliance in a five-mile-radius and put them in your phone,” Carter replies with a sneer.
I stop swaying to beat of Kenny G and shut off the BIC Lighter App on my phone, noticing that Carter is still looking at me funny. It’s like he’s never met me. I'm trying to get Gavin’s mind off of fertilization and bees fucking pigeons!
But she isn’t done yet, oh no. Next out of her bag of tricks: penis-shaped pasta. Seriously? What the fuck do we need with a bag of penis-shaped pasta on a limo bus? We’re not going to fill a pan with some water from the tiny bathroom at the back of the bus and stick it on the engine to boil it so we can make macaweenie and cheese. She hands Jenny a box of penis gummies that Drew tells her to open up immediately because he wants to hear her say, “This penis tastes so good.” Last but not least, she hands everyone different colored rubber penis pen caps. Because you know, at some point
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“Mmmmm. You don’t taste like vomit and desperation anymore,”
I stop in my tracks in the kitchen doorway at the sight before me, unable to even formulate a reply to Jenny about how making Carter shit his brains out most likely would not stop his snoring.
“Jesus Christ, do it already before she starts talking about wedding favors and I grow a vagina,”
I leave Drew with Jenny so I can go in search of Claire. Jenny isn’t going to stop crying until she sees Claire with her own eyes and realizes she hasn’t been eaten. Only in MY life would those words make perfect sense.
“This is just going to be an informal type of interview,” Lisa explains. “I just want to ask some questions and chit chat. Just pretend like I’m one of your girlfriends.” She has a huge smile on her face like I totally understand what she's talking about. She obviously has never met my girlfriends. We don’t sit around in dresses, sipping daintily from glasses of champagne while we politely discuss politics. We chug beers, do shots, and call each other thunder cunts.
“How about I ask you some questions now? Would that be okay?” “Sure,” he says with a shrug. “Do you have a nickname? Can I call you Gav?” Lisa asks. “Can I punch you in the face?” he asks. “Gavin!” I scold. “What’s your favorite color?” Lisa asks, both of them ignoring me. “I like green. Green is green. I fart green.” Oh wonderful. This is turning out to be a stellar interview. “What’s your favorite food?” “Skabetti and meat balls. Balls are delicious!” Gavin exclaims. Lisa and I both share a snicker over that one. “If Phineas and Ferb and Spongebob got into a fight, who would win?” Lisa
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“Gavin is quite obviously fond of both of his parents. When asked what his favorite thing about his father was he replied, ‘He tucks me in at night and tells me that if I eat my green beans my wiener will grow big and strong just like his,’” Carter reads with a laugh.
“You’re proposing to Claire?” she asks with her hands on her hips and a mixture of awe and anger on her face “Well, I was trying to until I was rudely interrupted,” I tell her, putting my hands on my hips and staring her down. She is small and feisty, but I have cocks on my side. Hundreds of them I can fling at her and then flee in the other direction when she attacks.
“What are you talking about?” Liz sighs. “YOU. ARE. STUPID,” Liz repeats, enunciating each word and making up random hand gestures to go with each one so it looked like she was using sign language. Except I’m pretty sure the sign for “stupid” isn’t a middle finger.
Nothing could make me happier right now.” Gavin suddenly comes bursting through the doorway. “Dad, woke up dis morning, got myself a gun’ is on!” he says excitedly. “And my wiener feels funny again. It won’t stop being tall.” “Oh my God. I take that back. THIS is the happiest moment of my life. My son just got a boner for Sopranos,” Carter whispers.
When I see Drew whisper in his ear right before Gavin runs up to me and yells, “I have tiger blood running through my veins!”
I know it's time to take the kid-crack away from him
“I think we should celebrate this momentous occasion by me sticking my penis in you,” he says with a smile.
Carter sighs and I try to calm myself by NOT thinking about how much I want a slush. Instead, I think about how I want to stick my fist up Carter’s ass and give him a prostate massage with my fist.
“This is a pure bread Great Pyrenees,”
“I want to call him Bud,” Gavin states as he runs around us in circles with the dog right on his heels. “That’s a good name,” Carter tells him. “I know. I’m naming him after the daddy juice you drink.”
Maybe I do want a black hole for a vagina. How bad could it be? I wouldn’t need to carry a purse anymore. I could just shove things up my twat.
