Death Loot & Vampires (The Vampire Vincent #1)

by Benjamin Kerei

“You were summoned here by a cult of vampire wannabees?” “Yep.” “That must have sucked.” I smirked at him. “You know how I feel about puns, Son.” “The lowest circle of Hell is reserved for traitors and those who use puns.”

I glanced at his three female companions. “I knew letting you watch those harem anime wasn’t good for you.” He groaned. “I don’t have a harem, Dad.” “That’s exactly what a son with a harem would tell their father.”

No, don’t get up on my account. I can see you’re both tired.” The two women remained unconscious. “Does he think he’s funny?” Mara asked. “Yes,” Luke replied. “And this isn’t because he’s a vampire. He’s always had a terrible sense of humour.”

“A lady shouldn’t curse. Neither should a priest.” “I’m a cleric, and I’ve taken no vows barring me from swearing, so I’ll say whatever the fuck I like.”

“What just happened?” Luke grinned. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. No one here has the negotiate skill.” I groaned. “How high?” Sharani grinned. “Level 15. Would you like me to continue, or would you rather I leave you with 35% of the loot?”

“There’s nothing over here. What about your side?” “Can’t you smell gold,” Mara complained. “I don’t trust my nose.” “Why not?” “Because it’s telling me there’s no gold.”

“You seemed to have no problem breaking all those people’s legs.” “What people’s legs?” Mara growled, climbing to her feet. “Dark cultists,” I clarified. “Oh, I don’t care.” She sat back down and returned to her eggs.

“Wait, I just have to kill assholes?” “A lady shouldn’t swear. But yes.” She grinned. “I can kill assholes. I can kill a whole lot of assholes. You really should have led with that.” “Noted.” “Okay, you convinced me. What do we do now?”

‘The younger you start making sacrifices, the easier life is.’” “I told you that so you would share with your sister.” “It’s still true.” “Only if you add the word, ‘worthwhile,’ before sacrifice. There are many sacrifices you can make in your life that will eventually make it easier, but you need to make sure the sacrifices are worthwhile.” “Not this again. I’m not getting married.” “I want grandchildren.” Luke snorted.

“You need to flip that steak.” “Mara only eats it well-done.” “And she calls me a heathen.”

“She’s going to have hair everywhere.” “Self-care is soothing. It gives you a sense of control.” “There is nothing soothing about foot-long leg hair, Dad.” “Speaking from experience?” “I may not have read the label the first time I used them or the second time.”

“Your other steaks are leaving medium-rare territory and approaching medium-well.” “It’s intentional.” “Then I’ve failed as father.”

“This is etiquette training all over again.” “I’m glad you have experience to draw from.” “I hated etiquette training.”

“Dad, I’m starting to get concerned. I’m noticing a trend.” I had no idea what he was talking about. “What?” “Hero summoned to another world, followed around by a handful of cute teenage girls. You’re turning into an anime protagonist and building a harem.” I snorted. “As a vampire, I’m not a sexual being.” “Neither are most anime protagonists. It doesn’t stop them from having a harem.” He pointed two fingers at his eyes and then mine. “You’re walking a thin line, old man. Next thing you will be trying to do is justify this because one of them is several centuries old and only looks like a teenager.” His statement horrified me. “Oh, God, I am an anime protagonist.” His face lit up and he started to grin. “Wait, the new one is really a centuries-old woman trapped in a teenage body?” “No, it’s worse. She’s a centuries-old woman trapped in a teenage body with the life experience of a teenager.” Luke’s entire body shook as he roared with laughter. “You’re so cliché.”

If you want more money, you can take a few quests on your way back.” “I don’t have my armour.” I rolled my eyes. “You have a dracolich. It can eat most mid-tier quests for a snack.” She glanced up, watching the undead dragon circling above, and smiled. “I’m going to be rich.”

I want grandchildren.” “Sorry, I didn’t hear that last part.” “The grave calls me, Son. I’m old and weak, and my dying wish is to bounce a little you on my knee.” “I think I can arrange that with a shrinking potion.”

“I’ll never hold it against you if you have to put me down. I love you.” “I know. It doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

“We are going to have a long talk about this with your mother.” “But she gave him my sausage. It’s not fair.” “Wait, it wasn’t your sausage?” “It was mine. I claimed it.” “Whose plate was it on?” “Michael’s, but I claimed it, so it’s mine.” “You tried to feed your brother to a vampire, because he ate his own sausage.” “It was my sausage!”

“I’ve been asking around about you. Ancient vampire saving people is the kind of thing that doesn’t let you sleep until you get answers.” “You seem to be well rested.” He chuckled.

“You have an odd habit of holding to the letter of the law while crushing the spirit of it.” “Thank you.”

People are now saying, ‘Like father, like son’. Though they look on him more favourably because there isn’t such an age difference.” “You made that up.” Davina giggled. “Just seeing if you were paying attention. Your son told me to tell you that, ‘You have too many anime protagonist tendencies,’ whatever that means.” “It means he thinks he’s funny.”

“The princess is mine,” I growled. “Yes, sir. I fully understand, but if you ever need a princess sitter, I’m available.”

“Can I sleep in your treasury?” I paused, considering her request. “If you don’t break anything.” “I’m not a mindless beast.” “I’ll kill you if you steal anything.” “Common dragon rule for allowing another to sleep on your hoard.” “You can sleep in my treasury when it is built.” “Can I eat intruders?” “Yes.” “Can I leave the door open to encourage them to come in?” “No.” “Can I disseminate the knowledge of the size and value of your hoard in villages and towns to encourage the unscrupulous to come and try to steal it?” “No.” “Can I tell other dragons about your hoard, so I can steal their hoard while they try to claim your hoard?” I started to grin at the opportunity. “How are we dividing the loot?

“Thank you for flying air dragon. Please remember to tip your pilot as you leave.” I chuckled. I’d been wondering if she had spent time around Luke when she said, ‘meat bag.’ This confirmed it. I reached into my storage pouch and tossed her a gold bar. She started dancing from foot to foot. “It worked just like he said it would!”

“Save me, Angie!” the dracolich shouted as she fell from the air. “I’m too pretty to die!”