Conflicts don’t usually resolve quickly. “It’s hard to metabolize another person’s perspective in just one conversation,” Sheila Heen told me. “It takes a while, and so we usually have to revisit the conversation, again and again, until we can hear everything each person is saying.” But this iterative process can easily go off the rails if we feel unsafe, or if it seems other people aren’t listening, or if they’re trying to control what we’re allowed to say. That’s when hurt and anger seep in, resentment builds, the conflict starts to spiral. But when we look for things we can control
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