Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

by Charles Duhigg

The questions themselves didn’t ask about Epley’s emotions, but, inevitably, he became emotional as he responded to them. They pushed Epley to talk about his beliefs and values, how he felt, what he was anxious about, what he feared. He came home from each session exhausted and ashamed, scared and angry, and most of all confused, a complicated mix of feelings that usually took days to untangle. These were some of the most emotionally intense conversations of his life, even though the therapist never asked him to describe his feelings.

Hearing people describe their emotional lives is important because when we talk about our feelings, we’re describing not just what has happened to us, but why we made certain choices and how we make sense of the world. “When you describe how you feel, you’re giving someone a map of the things you care about,” Epley said. “That’s why I connected with my parents, because I finally understood what mattered to them. I understood they were scared and worried and just wanted me to be safe.”

crucial. Every discussion is shaped by our emotions, and when we bring those feelings to the surface—when we share them and ask others to share with us—we begin to see how we might align.

Perhaps, instead of perspective taking, we ought to be focused on perspective getting, on asking people to describe their inner lives, their values and beliefs and feelings, the things they care about most.

series of thirty-six questions that, as Elaine and Arthur Aron later wrote, elicited “sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personalistic self-disclosure.” These questions eventually became known as the Fast Friends Procedure, and grew famous among sociologists, psychologists, and readers of articles with headlines such as “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love.”[*1]

Eventually, the researchers figured out how to gauge if a question was likely to spark an emotional reply: Questions that asked about everyday experiences or uncontroversial opinions—such as “How did you celebrate last Halloween?” or “What is the best gift you ever received?”—tended to yield answers that were reliably unemotional.

questions that pushed people to describe their beliefs, values, or meaningful experiences tended to result in emotional replies, even if the questions themselves didn’t seem all that emotional. These kinds of questions were powerful because they often prompted people to reveal vulnerabilities.

the difference between a shallow question and one that sparks an opportunity for emotional connection is vulnerability. And vulnerability is what makes How Do We Feel? so powerful.

“The louder the emotion, the more likely that contagion will occur,” Amit Goldenberg, a Harvard psychology researcher, told me. “And vulnerability is one of our loudest emotions. We’re hardwired to notice it.”

There is a cycle: Asking deep questions about feelings, values, beliefs, and experiences creates vulnerability. That vulnerability triggers emotional contagion. And that, in turn, helps us connect.

“Reciprocity is critical,” Arthur Aron told me. “It’s one of the most powerful forces in the world. If you don’t have reciprocity, then people aren’t matching each other’s emotional ups and downs.”

“Women incur social and economic penalties for expressing masculine-typed emotions…. At the same time, when women express female-typed emotions, they are judged as overly emotional and lacking emotional control, which ultimately undermines women’s competence and professional legitimacy.”

emotions. If others describe a painful memory or a moment of joy, and we reveal our own disappointments or what makes us proud, it provides a chance to harness the neurochemicals that have evolved to help us feel closer. It creates an opportunity for emotional contagion.

during successful conversations, people tended to ask each other the kinds of questions that drew out replies where people expressed their “needs, goals, beliefs [and] emotions,”

grow or change. Those questions make emotional replies easier, and they practically beg the questioner to reciprocate—to divulge, in return, why they live in this neighborhood, what they enjoyed about college—until everyone is drawn in, asking and answering back and forth.

Follow-up questions are particularly powerful. “Follow-ups are a signal that you’re listening, that you want to know more,” one of the researchers, Michael Yeomans, told me. Follow-up questions make reciprocity easier

Ask someone how they feel about something, and then follow up with questions that reveal how you feel. It’s the same framework for emotional connection described before, but in a slightly different guise: If we ask questions that push people to think and talk about their values, beliefs, and experiences, and then reciprocate with emotions of our own, we can’t help but listen to one another. “The best listeners aren’t just listening,” said Margaret Clark, the Yale psychologist. “They’re triggering emotions by asking questions, expressing their own emotions, doing things that prompt the other person to say something real.”

partner: “If a crystal ball could tell you the future, would you want to know?” “For what do you feel most grateful?” And “Can you describe a time you cried in front of another person?”

wrong. He hypothesized that deep, vulnerable questions were easier to ask—and more enjoyable to answer—than most people realized. Now he had a chance to test his theory out.

From the wealthiest financiers to the most distant online strangers, “we all crave real connections,” Epley said. We all want to have meaningful conversations.

Asking deep questions is easier than most people realize, and more rewarding than we expect.

But that’s not enough to create a real, lasting bond. For that, we need emotional connection. Emotional dialogues are vital because they help us figure out who we’re talking to, what’s going on inside their heads, what they value most. A How Do We Feel? conversation can seem anxiety producing.

“It is easier to judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers,” the nineteenth-century thinker Pierre-Marc-Gaston de Lévis wrote, and yet he stayed silent on which questions, exactly, should be asked.

Ask others about their beliefs and values. Ask them about experiences and those moments that caused them to change. Ask how they feel, rather than about facts. Reframe your questions so they are deeper. Ask follow-ups. And as people expose their vulnerabilities, reveal something about yourself. It will be less uncomfortable than you imagine. It will be more fascinating than you think. And it might lead to a moment of true connection.