To an outside observer, it might seem as if we’re simply discussing who will pick up the kids and the groceries. But we—the people participating in this quiet negotiation—are aware of subtexts and undercurrents, the experiments under way. We’re asking open-ended questions (“Am I doing enough to help?”) and adding items to the table (“What if I do grocery pickup and wash the dishes, and you get the kids and fold the laundry?”) until the conversation has changed enough to make clear what everyone actually wants and the rules we’ve all agreed on: “I want to respect your time, and work is
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