Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

by Charles Duhigg

We exhibit emotional intelligence by showing people that we’ve heard their emotions—and the way we do that is by noticing, and then matching, their mood and energy. Mood and energy are nonlinguistic tools for creating emotional connection. When we match someone’s mood and energy, we are showing them that we want to align. Sometimes we might want to match someone exactly: If you are laughing joyfully, I’ll laugh joyfully as well. At other moments, we might want to demonstrate that we see their emotions (“You seem sad”) and, rather than match them precisely, offer our help (“What will cheer you up?”). But in each case, we’re sending a message: I hear your feelings. This clear desire to connect is an essential step in helping us bond. This same pattern shows up in other nonverbal behaviors, as well. When we’re crying, or smiling, or scowling, we believe others hear us when they respond with a similar energy and mood. They don’t need to cry with us—but they need to match our arousal and valence. That’s what makes us believe they understand what we’re feeling. If they seem to be behaving similarly to us on the surface, but their mood and energy is different, something feels off. “Your facial expressions might be the same, and the words you are saying might be almost exactly the same—nearly everything might be the same—but if your valence is different, you’ll know you aren’t feeling the same thing,” said Elfenbein.

This is challenging when I’m in a room full of students all with different moods and energies.