Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

by Charles Duhigg

“Is this discussion serious or playful?” “Should I offer a solution or just listen?” The What’s This Really About? conversation is integral to thinking about the future, negotiating options, discussing intellectual concepts, and determining what we want to discuss, our goals for this conversation, and how we should discuss

Instead, we have to learn to distinguish a decision-making conversation from an emotional conversation from a social conversation.

They found that during successful conversations, people tended to ask each other the kinds of questions that drew out replies where people expressed their “needs, goals, beliefs [and] emotions,” as the researchers later wrote. In

Dozens of other studies from the University of Utah, the University of Pennsylvania, Emory, and elsewhere have found that people who ask lots of questions during conversations—particularly questions that invite vulnerable responses—are more popular among their peers and more often seen as leaders. They have more social influence and are sought out more frequently for friendship and advice. Any of us can do this in nearly any setting or conversation, be it with a roommate, a coworker, or someone we just met. We simply need to ask people how they feel and reciprocate the vulnerability they share with us.

If you laugh loudly, and I merely smile, it won’t feel like I want to bond.

It’s a formula sometimes called looping for understanding.[*]