Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

by Charles Duhigg

Marsden didn’t mention other people, or relationships, except in a negative sense. When he felt depressed, rather than seek out companions, he went to his office and tried to use his legal practice to distract himself. When he argued with his wife or children, he stomped off and withdrew, rather than talking through issues until a resolution, or at least an understanding, emerged. “He was a very self-critical person,” said Waldinger, who currently leads the Harvard project. “He pushed himself hard and judged himself pretty harshly, and that...

“he developed a wariness of people and habitually negative ways of coping with the world. He had difficulty connecting with others, and when he en...

withdraw from the people closest to him. He married twice, and never felt th...

This central finding has been replicated in hundreds of other studies over the past few decades. “We now have robust evidence indicating that being socially connected has a powerful influence on longevity, such that having more and better relationships is associated with protection and, conversely, that having fewer and poorer relationships is associated with risk,” reads one paper published in 2018 in the Annual Review of Psychology. Another study, published in 2016, examined dozens of biomarkers of health, and found that “a higher degree of social integration was associated with lower risk” of illness and death at every stage of life. Social isolation, the researchers wrote, was more dangerous than diabetes and a host of other chronic diseases.

Put differently, connecting with others can make us healthier, happier, and more content. Conversations can change our brains, bodies, and how we experience the world.

So, one night—and I know this sounds a little strange—I sat down and scribbled out a list of all the times, over the last year, that I could remember screwing up a conversation.

Most of all, it has convinced me of the importance of having learning conversations, where my aim is to pay attention to what kind of conversation is occurring; to identify our goals for a dialogue; to ask about others’ emotions and share my own feelings; and to explore if our identities influence what we say and hear.

I try to ask more questions—both to determine what people want out of a conversation and to explore the deep, meaningful, and emotional parts of life where real connection occurs. I try to reciprocate others’ happiness and sadness, as well as their admissions and vulnerabilities, when I’m lucky enough to encounter them, and own up more freely to my own mistakes, feelings, and who I am. As a result, I feel closer to the people around me, more connected to my family, friends, colleagues—and, most

of all, more thankful for these relationships than ever before. (And I hope this only continues: If you send me an email at charles@charlesduhigg.com, I promise I’ll respond.) There is no

But what’s important is wanting to connect, wanting to understand someone, wanting to have a deep conversation, even when it is hard and scary, or when it would be so much easier to walk away.