Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

by Charles Duhigg

As a conversation begins: First, establish guidelines. It is useful to make clear the norms—for instance, no one is allowed to blame, shame, or attack others. The goal is to share our feelings, not litigate who is at fault. It is also helpful to define if asking questions is okay, and if there are some kinds of inquiries—about, say, very personal topics, or particularly sensitive issues—that require some forethought. We should affirm that everyone is encouraged to speak, that everyone belongs in this discussion, and perhaps identify someone to serve as a moderator to make sure everyone is given space. Finally, it is useful to ask people to speak about their own experiences and describe their own stories. Don’t generalize. Don’t solve or diminish others’ problems, unless they ask for help. When a colleague describes something painful, listen, and tell them you’re sorry it happened. Acknowledge what they felt. Second, draw out everyone’s goals. You likely have some aims in mind. Share them. Then, ask others what they hope to get out of this discussion. Identify emotional goals (“I want to make sure we stay friends” or “I need to get something off my chest”); and practical goals (“I’d like to walk away from this with a plan”); as well as group goals (“It’s important to me that we all show compassion for each other”). Finally, acknowledge, and keep acknowledging, that discomfort is natural—and useful. We will misspeak. We will ask naïve questions. We will say things we didn’t ...