Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

by Charles Duhigg

Supercommunicators know how to evoke synchronization by encouraging people to match how they’re communicating. Psychologists who study married couples, for instance, have found that the happiest spouses frequently mirror each other’s speaking styles. “The underlying mechanism that maintains closeness in marriage is symmetry,” one prominent researcher, John Gottman, wrote in the Journal of Communication. Happy couples “communicate agreement not with the speaker’s point of view or content, but with the speaker’s affect.” Happy couples ask each other more questions, repeat what the other person said, make tension-easing jokes, get serious together. The next time you feel yourself edging toward an argument, try asking your partner: “Do you want to talk about our emotions? Or do we need to make a decision together? Or is this about something else?”