Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

by Charles Duhigg

Some schools have trained teachers to ask students questions designed to elicit their goals, because it helps everyone communicate what they want and need. When a student comes to a teacher upset, for instance, the teacher might ask: “Do you want to be helped, hugged, or heard?” Different needs require different types of communication, and those different kinds of interaction—helping, hugging, hearing—each correspond to a different kind of conversation.

When a teacher—or anyone—asks a question like “Do you want to be helped, hugged, or heard?,” what they are actually asking is: “What kind of conversation are you looking for?” Simply by asking someone what they need, we encourage a learning conversation, a dialogue that helps us discover what everyone most wants.