Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

by Charles Duhigg

So how do we signal to others that we’re trying to connect? How do we show others we’re listening to their feelings, and not just mimicking what they say and how they act? The answer starts with a system that has evolved within our brains, a kind of quick-and-dirty method for gauging other people’s emotional temperature that we usually rely upon without consciously noticing it. This system comes alive whenever we encounter another person, and it functions by pushing us to pay attention to their “mood,” or what psychologists21 refer to as valence, and their “energy,” or arousal.fn1 When we see someone and they exhibit an emotional behavior—like a laugh, a scowl, or a smile—the first thing we usually notice is their mood (is this person feeling positive or negative?)22 and their energy level (are they high energy or low energy?). For instance, if you encounter someone who is frowning (negative) and quiet (low energy), you might assume they’re sad or frustrated, but you won’t assume they pose a threat. Your brain won’t start issuing warnings to flee. However, if they are frowning (negative) and shouting and glaring (high energy) you’ll infer they’re angry or violent, and you’ll become wary. Your brain will generate a mild anxiety that prepares you to scurry away. All we need to make a prediction is to notice someone’s mood and energy. That’s enough to quickly evaluate what they are feeling.