Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

by Charles Duhigg

When someone describes a personal problem by telling a story, they are signaling they want our compassion rather than a solution. When they lay out all the facts analytically, they are signaling they are more interested in a rational conversation than an emotional one.

When we discuss our feelings, something magical happens: Other people can’t help but listen to us. And then they start divulging emotions of their own, which causes us to listen closely in return.

“The best listeners aren’t just listening,” said Margaret Clark, the Yale psychologist. “They’re triggering emotions by asking questions, expressing their own emotions, doing things that prompt the other person to say something real.”

So how do we signal to others that we’re trying to connect? How do we show others we’re listening to their feelings, and not just mimicking what they say and how they act? The answer starts with a system that has evolved within our brains, a kind of quick-and-dirty method for gauging other people’s emotional temperature that we usually rely upon without consciously noticing it. This system comes alive whenever we encounter another person, and it functions by pushing us to pay attention to their “mood,” or what psychologists21 refer to as valence, and their “energy,” or arousal.fn1 When we see someone and they exhibit an emotional behavior—like a laugh, a scowl, or a smile—the first thing we usually notice is their mood (is this person feeling positive or negative?)22 and their energy level (are they high energy or low energy?). For instance, if you encounter someone who is frowning (negative) and quiet (low energy), you might assume they’re sad or frustrated, but you won’t assume they pose a threat. Your brain won’t start issuing warnings to flee. However, if they are frowning (negative) and shouting and glaring (high energy) you’ll infer they’re angry or violent, and you’ll become wary. Your brain will generate a mild anxiety that prepares you to scurry away. All we need to make a prediction is to notice someone’s mood and energy. That’s enough to quickly evaluate what they are feeling.

We exhibit emotional intelligence by showing people that we’ve heard their emotions—and the way we do that is by noticing, and then matching, their mood and energy. Mood and energy are nonlinguistic tools for creating emotional connection. When we match someone’s mood24 and energy, we are showing them that we want to align. Sometimes we might want to match someone exactly: If you are laughing joyfully, I’ll laugh joyfully as well. At other moments, we might want to demonstrate that we see their emotions (“You seem sad”) and, rather than match them precisely, offer our help (“What will cheer you up?”). But in each case, we’re sending a message: I hear your feelings. This clear desire to connect is an essential step in helping us bond.

if a listener wants to prove they’re listening, they need to demonstrate it after the speaker finishes talking. If we want to show someone we’re paying attention, we need to prove, once that person has stopped speaking, that we have absorbed what they said. And the best way to do that is by repeating, in our own words, what we just heard them say—and then asking if we got it right.

Deep questions are particularly good at creating intimacy because they ask people to describe their beliefs, values, feelings, and experiences in ways that can reveal something vulnerable. And vulnerability sparks emotional contagion, which makes us more aligned.

We reciprocate vulnerability by … • Looping for understanding, until you understand what someone is feeling. • Looking for what someone needs: Do they want comfort? Empathy? Advice? Tough love? (If you don’t know the answer, loop more.) • Asking permission. “Would it be okay if I told you how your words affect me?” or “Would you mind if I shared something from my own life?” or “Can I share how I’ve seen others handle this?” • Giving something in return. This can be as simple as describing how you feel: “It makes me sad to hear you’re in pain,” or “I’m so happy for you,” or “I’m proud to be your friend.”

When we are in conflict with someone … • First, acknowledge understanding. We do this through looping and statements such as “Let me make sure I understand.” • Second, find specific points of agreement. Look for places where you can say “I agree with you” or “I think you’re right that …” These remind everyone that, though we may have differences, we want to be aligned. • Finally, temper your claims. Don’t make sweeping statements such as “Everyone knows that’s not true” or “Your side always gets this wrong.” Rather, use words like somewhat or “It might be …” and speak about specific experiences (“I want to talk about why you left dishes in the sink last night”) rather than broad generalities (“I want to talk about how you never do your part around the house”).

The desire for belonging is at the core of the Who Are We? conversation, which occurs whenever we talk10 about our connections within society. When we discuss the latest organizational gossip (“I hear everyone in accounting is going to get laid off”) or signal an affiliation (“We’re Knicks fans in this family”) or figure out social linkages (“You went to Berkeley? Do you know Troy?”) or emphasize social dissimilarities (“As a Black woman, I see this differently than you”), we’re engaging in a Who Are We? conversation.

It’s crucial, in a Who Are We? conversation, to remind ourselves that we all possess multiple identities: We are parents but also siblings; experts in some topics and novices in others; friends and coworkers and people who love dogs but hate to jog. We are all of these simultaneously, so no one stereotype describes us fully. We all contain multitudes that are just waiting to be expressed. This means that a Who Are We? discussion might need to be more meandering and exploratory. Or it might need to go deep and invite others to talk about where they come from, how they see themselves, how the prejudices they confront—racism, sexism, the expectations of parents and communities—have impacted their lives. “When my son goes to school, I tell him, remember, that test may be hard today, but think about who else you are,” said Gresky, the researcher at Texas Christian University. “We can make the bad voices in our head less powerful by remembering all the other voices in there, too.” The process for drawing out those voices is relatively straightforward: In a Who Are We? conversation, invite people to talk about their backgrounds, allegiances, how their communities have shaped them. (“Where are you from? Oh, really? What was it like growing up there?”) Then, reciprocate by describing how you see yourself. (“You know, as a southerner, I think that …”) Finally, avoid the trap of one-dimensionality by evoking all the many identities we all possess as a conversation unfolds: “I hear yo...

Many of these groups had already spent years studying vaccine hesitancy and had concluded that the most effective approach was something known as motivational interviewing,39 a method originally developed in the 1980s to help problem drinkers. In motivational interviewing, a 2012 paper explains, “counselors rarely attempt to convince or persuade. Instead, the counselor subtly guides the client to think about and verbally express their own reasons for and against change.”40 Motivational interviewing seeks to draw out a person’s beliefs, values, and social identities, in the hopes that, once all these complexities and complicated beliefs are on the table, unexpected opportunities for change might appear.