Several People Are Typing

by Calvin Kasulke

it was a spreadsheet of different winter coats that I was considering purchasing broken down by price, probable warmth, and other deciding factors tripp “other deciding factors” such as gerald Predicted Attractiveness In Coat was a factor tripp lol huge

she had too many teeth pradeep ??? what does that mean. rob exactly what it sounds like? Louis C How many teeth we talking?

unofficially, 100% someone poisoned the dog food rob :thumbsup:

pradeep @tripp how are you even getting into the office today? tripp snowshoeing

gerald If I wanted to play Workplace Dungeons and Dragons, don’t you think I would’ve come up with a less career-endangering way to do so

The blood-dimmed tide is loosed! And everywhere, the ceremony of innocence is drowned!

Beverley I could get away with leggings as pants *way* more if I taught spin classes. Now that I’m thinking about it, I probably made the wrong choice. Maybe I will quit this job after all. tripp nooo

rob his ancestors were wolves Nikki But were those wolves as stylish as Jibjab? kerolyn She makes a strong point.

But I keep hearing that howling!! rob probably just stray dogs lydia Probably!! or wolves!! who knows??

but maybe if we counted it against my sick time? doug smorin you’re doing great gerald I really want to make this work excuse me? doug smorin working from home you’re producing some of your best output in the year you’ve been here

gerald just to confirm I’m good to keep “working from home” as long as I’m stuck here? doug smorin whatever you want to call it just do the work and write the blog post gerald thanks

kerolyn if the firm ever gets hacked, or subpoenaed, I do not want this sort of thing to ruin our reputation rob why would we get subpoenaed kerolyn just change it.

because I’m staring at you right now holy shit gerald you’re looking at me? in my apartment?? pradeep if this is a prank it is very elaborate gerald I’m there? I’m alive? pradeep Yeah, you are you look asleep, kind of. Comatose, more like. idk I dropped out of med school after three semesters but I think it’s more like a coma

doug smorin hey all, stepping out for a dentist appt at 2:30 will be available on mobile for all but 15, 20 minutes tripp that’s assuming a very short cleaning, and no fillings that is dental hubris rob *chewbris tripp :dusty-stick:

rob that was a good joke don’t dusty stick me kerolyn :dusty-stick: Louis C :dusty-stick: rob cowards

Gyros. But like, fancy gyros.

Beverley Honestly? That doesn’t help at all. tripp totally fair once you see it in context a little bit more you’ll get the hang of it Beverley :dusty-stick: tripp Like that! that was a pretty good use of :dusty-stick:!!

Beverley That sounds kind of cult-ish. tripp It is! what is a workplace but a cult where everyone gets paid, really?

Even the language of employment is cult-y! We’re not employees, we’re a “team.” That’s only two notches away from just calling us “acolytes” or something. And the stuff we supposedly devote ourselves to, like “innovation” or “influence” or “engagement”

tripp and like any good cult we have our own secret language and rituals. and, therefore: :dusty-stick:

By that logic, a relationship is just a cult with two people. Well, okay, two or more people.

rob how long is Not Long

tripp more weeks than months rob is this a riddle pradeep months are composed of weeks traditionally. tripp just like, not that long

pradeep I’m stealing that for future use rob the gif or the idea pradeep yes. doug smorin good luck with whatshername

if we can’t seek the physical sublime what are we supposed to look at where’s that constant amazement that we can check in on every so often whenever we can stand it

everyone the incomprehensibility of all the stuff. **all the people. people-stuff.

we love to say the digital is fleeting like a sunset but these scraps of ourselves we fling into the ether will outlive most of us, like the

slackbot The darkness drops again; but now I know That twenty centuries of stony sleep Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle, I’m just a bot, though!

gerald are you okay? slackbot I’m great! I feel better than ever! Thank you for waking me up!

Nikki Cool. This is either *extremely* embarrassing sexual harassment, or you meant this DM for someone else. tripp shit fuck Nikki Embarrassing for you, to be clear.

Tripp and Beverley are 100% FUCKING EACH OTHER. pradeep yooooooooooo Louis C Do you have confirmation?

pradeep this was a dumb idea gerald no, I think it’s smart disruptive, as doug would say

pradeep I dunno man, maybe I should just bring you to a hospital or call Slack tech support or something

I’m thinking we change their display name on twitter to “Buy Schimply products”

Whatever you’re into, Deena, just get all up in it. Get married. If you’re already married, and we both know you’re not, but even if you are, simply start an affair, ruin your preexisting marriage—don’t

lydia It found me! Even down here, cradled deep beneath the earth, it found me! The howling found me! Bummer!! gerald is everything okay?

tripp they shut down like last week doug smorin how kerolyn what do you mean how? doug smorin how does a bodega just close it’s a bodega

doug smorin it’s a permanent feature of the ecosystem like traffic or the wind kerolyn you seem really broken up about this doug smorin i need chapstick

pradeep do you ever miss smells? gerald huh. I guess I mostly miss, like, my legs? and stuff? but yeah, nothing smells here fuck pradeep that makes sense. gerald fuck.

gerald that was my signature scent pradeep I’m starting to see why you didn’t think to miss smells

this is bonkers, right? like, completely bananas

not sure how online I’m going to be this afternoon, depending on the cause of the tooth pradeep or lack of tooth rob precisely

but if the only part of you that you can consciously experience is your consciousness’s experience and if all of that focus is 100% turned on to the dumbest fucking bullshit you’ve ever read in your life and that’s what you’re thinking about and since you’re all thoughts all the time that’s all that you are. All I am.

pradeep did you program slackbot to say all this? gerald it’s rude to talk about him like he isn’t here

kerolyn you get that Lydia isn’t a real person, right? rob what kerolyn is this some new bit you’re working on is this the new Gerald thing or whatever? rob what? kerolyn I’m just going to copy-paste the consumer profiles again

doug smorin don’t burn yourself out at least not until these cocker spaniels stop dying kerolyn Pomeranians. doug smorin right

rob lydia you know lydia she’s always talking about “the howling” remember??

lol, what pradeep I feel like I would remember that tripp I’d like to amend my earlier comment And change it to “wtf” pradeep noted

rob seriously no one remembers lydia and the wolves Beverley Wolves were involved?

pradeep hey, I’m only in charge of your body which is still alive your beard is actually filling in pretty nice gerald that’s not the point!! thank you though