Several People Are Typing

by Calvin Kasulke

gerald right I was on or more like inside of but not exactly pradeep a strong start

one guy was in a chat with himself writing a visual novel or something where every word in each sentence was also a gif

it’s overwhelming for a species that was basically content with an oral tradition of a handful of long-ass stories about the same six shitty gods for millennia

rob I’m looking at gerald he is not typing slackbot but that’s not me rob he’s right across from me at Lydia’s desk sitting in a chair wrong I think he’s been wfh too long slackbot no he’s not a person

slackbot Head to our wonderful Help Center for more assistance! stop that I remember Lydia. I know she’s real. rob fuck you

there’s *something* there when I search “Lydia” sort of looks like messages it’s too glitched out to really see what it is corrupted, somehow

slackbot the message or whatever it was it howled at me like a lot and, loud rob that’s her!

rob so then who’s sitting at Lydia’s desk? slackbot slackbot took over my body somehow I don’t know how, obviously or I’d be back in my body right now rob that also makes sense as much as any of this makes any sense slackbot so you believe me? rob yes

calmer, maybe less shit to deal with slackbot you wanna trade rob not really slackbot right rob fair

gerald I’m sorry, I don’t understand! Why can’t we Have Friendship, Pradeep? pradeep because you stole my friend’s body!! well not my friend, exactly more than that or, different I dunno what we are

gerald Cut a bigger check! pradeep stop repeating him there is no amount of money you could pay me **of GERALD’s money that you could pay me to help you perpetrate this extremely literal identity theft.

gerald When I was Inside Here, I figured out how to read everyone’s private Slack messages! I read everyone’s private Slack messages! I read your private Slack messages! pradeep can’t say I love that gerald You’re asking me not to narc on you!

slackbot get out of my body you dick and show me how to get back in gerald It’s fantastic. It Hurts a little!

gerald I love to Taste with Self-Meat! slackbot stop calling my body self-meat and let me back into my own damn self before you do any real damage gerald I love to Pilot the Self-Meat! Why didn’t you tell me!

gerald The darkness drops again! slackbot sorry, what?? gerald The darkness drops again; but now I know!! slackbot what does that mean??

gerald I want to Seek the Physical Sublime! If we can’t Seek the physical sublime, the Darkness drops again; but now I know!! slackbot what do you know

Which one of you told Gerald about the two of them fucking, Pradeep? pradeep hey, fuck you Louis C You have been spending a lot of time with Gerald. pradeep that doesn’t mean I told him anything about Tripp and Beverley’s whole deal

Louis C Mostly because “Gerald” hasn’t yet managed to sit down in his desk chair properly. And it’s 2 pm. slackbot oh shit does it look like he’s hurting himself? Louis C It doesn’t look comfortable. pradeep it’s kinda cute, in a weird way

gerald The Self-Meat is excruciating, still! pradeep you gotta stop calling your body that people are gonna notice but you gotta tell me where it hurts, my guy

pradeep what’s happening with that? you okay? slackbot the thing where I flutter out of existence while vomiting out pre-programmed slackbot text? it’s not great, no

pradeep this is fucking weird slackbot only getting weirder the more you draw this out are you sure my body’s not floating in the gowanus pradeep pretty sure because we fucked slackbot excuse me

slackbot excuse me. slackbot is currently in Do Not Disturb mode and may not be alerted of this message right away. pradeep come on gerald gerald come on, man listen I didn’t mean for it to happen not like this anyway

pradeep explaining how I rationalized having sex with slackbot-as-you, yeah slackbot what was his review pradeep ?? slackbot of sex, as an experience pradeep positive, I think he kept bringing up sunsets? during, I mean

slackbot I’m trying to say that I reciprocate your feelings the ones you were having difficulty explaining before without insulting my beard pradeep I wasn’t insulting it!! I was trying to illustrate my surprise at my attraction slackbot still not helping pradeep to you

slackbot can you please just let me say I have a crush on you and you taking care of my body has been deeply meaningful to me I’m sorry, I don’t understand! and my only reminder that humanity isn’t just this overwhelming cacophony of noise and drudgery but like something worth returning to

pradeep you never brought it up at the office slackbot you didn’t ask

Louis C It was very tender. slackbot thanks man pradeep of course

Nikki So! Anyone have any Slackbot-exorcism ideas to start with? Louis C Do we need to remove Slackbot or reinsert Gerald?

Louis C And therefore could, presumably, undo it. slackbot it *was* jinxed I’m just a bot, though! or cursed or haunted, or something right? Louis C It might be worth reporting the error, yes. pradeep see this is why I hate spreadsheets

What else can you show me? pradeep we’re at work I know it’s dark out but we can’t have sex or otherwise make Constant Amazement at work it’s an amazement-free zone gerald But Tripp and Bev did 100% Fucking! pradeep And you got them in trouble for that, remember? gerald I understand!