It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

it is a basic human right to be seen and to have your own and separate identity, needs, wants, and aspirations expressed and recognized.

you were never going to be able to change another person’s behavior.

This is not a book about how they tick but rather how you heal.

This is the beginning of your story, of stepping out of the invalidating shadow and finally allowing yourself to be you.

Narcissism is about a deep insecurity and fragility offset by maneuvers like domination, manipulation, and gaslighting, which allow the narcissistic person to stay in control. The variable empathy and lack of self-awareness mean that they do not stop to consider the harm their behavior is creating for other people. The traits aren’t really the issue, but rather how these traits translate into consistently harmful behaviors.

Narcissistic people need validation and admiration, and this need motivates much of their behavior. They seek out status, compliments, excessive recognition, and attention, and this may happen through ostentatious wealth, physical appearance, friends who fawn over them, or social media likes and follows.

Their moods can turn rather dark, and they can become irritable, resentful, sullen, and aggrieved when they do not get the validation or supply they feel entitled to.

a narcissistic person’s needs will always come first in any relationship.

When the narcissistic person is well regulated, feels they are in control, and has sufficient narcissistic supply—for instance, work is going well, they are getting compliments, they are in a fun new relationship, or they just got a new car—they may be less antagonistic and more pleasant. Unfortunately, the narcissistic supply gets stale for them quickly, so they always need more, new, better.

grandiosity, which shows up as exaggerated beliefs about the person’s importance in the world, fantastical beliefs about ideal love stories and their current or future success, a sense of superiority over other people and of a uniqueness and specialness about themselves not observed in others. Grandiosity also means that the person believes they are better than others. It

The confusion comes from the narcissistic person going between charming, fun, and charismatic, or at least normal and regulated, to abusive, sullen, and enraged.

If they have to follow the rules, then they aren’t so special.

Narcissism is not about high self-esteem or low self-esteem as much as it is about inaccurate, inflated, and variable self-appraisal.

Narcissistic folks can dish it out but they cannot take it. When you give them even the mildest critique or feedback, you must be prepared for rapid, rageful, and disproportionate reactions, and it can be doubly confusing because they will frequently retaliate by criticizing you in far harsher terms.

Narcissistic people cannot manage their emotions.

Thus they are always going to need to have the upper hand in any relationship. This means if your relationship motivation is deep emotional connection or intimacy, the two of you are dancing very different steps. Relationships exist largely for the narcissistic person’s benefit and pleasure. They aren’t interested in the give-and-take that a healthy relationship requires, or in the needs of others.

Narcissistic people project the shameful parts of their personalities and behavior onto others to maintain their grandiose ideal of themselves and to shelter themselves from the discomfort of shame.

They have an uncanny ability to camouflage themselves, get close, and then behave badly.

The moderate narcissist offers enough good days to keep you invested and enough bad days that hurt you and leave you utterly confused.

Moderate narcissists have just enough insight to know that their behavior is not okay—but not enough regulation, mindfulness, or empathy to stop themselves.

Because they are aware enough to know that their behavior is inappropriate, they do it out of sight of others, which can leave you with no support.

As a result, they are often a devil at home and an an...

They also struggle with abandonment and rejection sensitivity and may burn you out through their constantly victimized anger.

Narcissistic people can manage their behavior. They may lose it in front of others they’re close to (e.g., family members), but generally not in front of “high-status” people or new people whose validation they desire.

didn’t like the idea that people would hear her rageful behavior, so she knew rage was not a good look.

Narcissistic people know what looks good and bad, and how to choose their audience to maintain a public image while privately using those closest to them as punching bags and pacifiers.

While you experience hurtful patterns within the relationship, the world may still be seeing the charismatic mask, which leaves you feeling confused and conflicted.

separate behavioral repertoires by the narcissistic person (prosocial and gregarious in public while behaving in an antagonistic and manipulative manner in private, unobserved settings with partners, family, or others from whom validation is less valued).

In other words, narcissistic people make you feel small so they can feel safe.

“What does the narcissistic person need?” The answer is control, domination, power, admiration, and validation. How they go about getting that is where the narcissistic abuse comes in.

moderate narcissistic abuse: systematic invalidation, minimization, manipulation, rage, betrayal, and gaslighting with periods of “normal” and “good” thrown into the mix. To the world your relationship may look fine, while you live in a confused and uncomfortable haze.

Gaslighting is a centerpiece of narcissistic abuse and operates through a systematic pattern of generating doubt about your experiences, memory, perception, judgment, and emotions.

gaslighting can mean that experiences of abuse within the household were denied and bullying by siblings was glossed over. Adding insult to injury, when people from gaslighted families grow up, their difficult experiences of childhood are denied even when they inquire about them in adulthood. To grow up in a gaslighted family is to not only have endured emotional abuse but also to have the experiences of your childhood fictionalized.

Narcissistic people feel entitled to their volatile and reactive rage, which is often activated by shame. If you trigger their feelings of inadequacy, they will often target you with either overt aggression (yelling and screaming) or passive-aggression (stonewalling, giving you the silent treatment, showing resentment).[4]

They might then feel shame about their show of rage because they actually do know it’s not a good look, so they’ll blame you for it, and the whole cycle begins again.

Narcissistic rage plays out in every possible communication platform—text messages, voicemails, emails, DMs, phone calls, in person—and through behaviors like road rage. Rage is the clearest behavioral manifestation of narcissistic abuse, and one that takes a tremendous toll on you.

Narcissistic abuse is about domination, which counterbalances the inadequacy and insecurity that are at the core of the narcissistic personality.

Narcissistic folks love a fight, debate, argument, or any form of conflict.

Unfortunately, if you don’t take the bait, they just keep upping the ante and will bring up issues that matter more dearly to you. Once you take the bait and get frothed up, they then calmly step back and paint you as the dysregulated and volatile one.

Narcissistic abuse always entails blame shifting. Nothing is ever their responsibility or their fault because for a narcissistic person to take responsibility or accept blame means having to accept that they are accountable and imperfect.

To be authentic is to be genuine, honest, and comfortable in who you are and what you are about.

for them, relationships are about control, supply, and regulation. Narcissistic people hoover to get back your supply, which may now seem fresh and new, especially if you called it quits for a minute or you are the one who disengaged.

The abusive behavior makes you want to swim away from the riptide, but the guilt and fear of leaving, the practical issues raised by leaving (financial, safety, cultural, family), as well as the natural drive toward attachment, connection, and love are what keep you stuck in the riptide’s pull.

The good moments are what draw you in and what you want to sustain; the bad moments are confusing and unsettling.

the bad days become a signal that perhaps the good day is coming, and so even the bad days get paired with a sense of anticipation, keeping you even more stuck and less likely to see the bad days more clearly as alarm bells. Unfortunately, that also means that the good days are paired with a sense of dread, knowing that it is a matter of time before the other shoe drops.

similar things: maybe they are right; maybe this is my fault; maybe it is me. It’s not you.

Is it possible to heal even if the narcissistic person doesn’t face any consequences?

Healing isn’t just about crying it out. It is about grieving and clearing out space, and in the new space, building a new life, finding your voice, and feeling empowered to articulate your needs, wants, and hopes, and finally feel safe. This is a process of evolving from surviving and coping to growing and thriving.

It means wisdom, discernment, and a willingness to step away from toxic people, even when other people are shaming you about forgiveness.

It is about no longer blaming yourself and wondering if you are enough. It is about finding meaning and purpose and learning to breathe after years or a lifetime of walking a tightrope of appeasing and validating them while censoring yourself.