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December 27, 2024 - January 13, 2025
Rescuers are people pleasers who fix, problem solve, and try to make things better.
You may even try to do what you wish had been done for you at a time of need, so the act of rescuing may be a working through of your own wounds.
Or you might try to gain a sense of control within the relationship by rescuing and doing more and more to make it work.
Rescuers are at risk not only for falling into these relationships but for remaining in them with the illusion that “If I do enough, then it will be okay.”
empathic folks may not always feel compelled to “fix,” as their empathy is usually a feeling that contributes to guilt and justification.
rescuers may feel empathy and be motivated by the need to please in order to stay safe, be connected, and feel useful.
if you are very optimistic and positive, it can be challenging to get your head around the idea that narcissistic people don’t change.
Optimistic people may also get stuck because of the chronic willingness to hold out hope that things can get better.
Forgiveness in and of itself is not a bad thing. It just doesn’t work with narcissistic people. If you are a committed forgiver, that raises tremendous vulnerability because instead of embracing forgiveness as a call to be better, narcissistic people view it as a sign that there will not be consequences for their behavior.
you are judged on the basis of what you can do for the narcissistic family member.
you learn to push down your own needs, enable the narcissistic family member, and become accustomed to being gaslighted, manipulated, and subjected to the silent treatment.
These family systems instill in you the idea that you need to “settle,” and that you have no right to hold standards for other people’s behavior.
Your happy family may believe in redemption, but as a result they may also unwittingly enable your narcissistic relationship situation and suggest loving the narcissistic person even more and sticking together.
If you have had a history of trauma, you may judge your reactions and gaslight yourself (I think I am overreacting to a person yelling at me) instead of recognizing that the way the body and mind hold trauma and emotional pain means that the rhythms of a narcissistic relationship can take an even more profound toll on you.
Your positivity may feed rescuing. Your narcissistic family and history of trauma may diminish discernment. You can’t change your backstory, but you can harness it to better understand when to slow down, pay attention, be kind to yourself, and let go of self-blame.
Fixers may often capitulate to what the narcissistic person wants and avoid setting boundaries, because of the tension and conflict that would come from those boundaries.
In narcissistic and invalidating family systems, the dynamic is often “see something, say nothing.” If you call out a narcissistic family member, you are viewed as the problem or are silenced, gaslighted, or ostracized.
If moving forward seems difficult, it’s not about you not trying hard enough; it’s about trying to heal while you remain in broken systems.
the first time something happens is a blip, the second time is a coincidence, the third time is a pattern.
Pay attention to how you feel after you spend time with narcissistic people in your life—emotionally, mentally, physically, even energetically. Do the same after you spend time with healthy people. After time with a healthy person, you may find that you feel energized, inspired, happy, and clearheaded. After time with a narcissistic person, how do you feel? My guess is fatigued, frustrated, disgusted, or angry. Then reflect on how you feel about yourself after an encounter with someone. After a healthy encounter we often feel a little better about ourselves (I often say that we feel about two
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you may feel guilt at setting a boundary, expecting other people to do their job, or not showing up to an event even though you know you will be treated badly there.
survivors spend a lot of time feeling guilty.
When you feel guilty, ask yourself, “What did I do wrong?” And then the follow-up question is, “If someone else did this, would I f...
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healing means that you continue the process of growing yourself outside of these narrowly defined toxic spaces while preparing for the other narcissistic and manipulative people you will inevitably meet as you move forward.
Radical acceptance is acknowledging this consistency and unchangeability to help you move forward.
Radical acceptance is acknowledging the reality of the narcissistic relationship landscape and, above all else, that their behavior is not going to change. Radical acceptance gives you permission to heal, because you stop channeling your energy into trying to fix the relationship and instead focus on moving yourself forward.
There is grief in having to accept that your relationship cannot improve, that there will be no phoenix rising from the ashes, and that the narcissistic person will never really attempt to see and understand you.
not only does acceptance open the gateway to healing and growth, but it can give you a sense of relief.
Having radical acceptance means you are less surprised and, in fact, would actually be surprised if these things didn’t happen.
When these toxic patterns unfold, not being surprised doesn’t mean you are okay with it, or even that it doesn’t hurt, but rather that you knew it was coming, and you get better at being prepared for it and experiencing your feelings about their behavior without judgment.
Many if not most of us who leave may find ourselves surprised by missing the narcissistic person, wondering if they would be “proud” or impressed if they saw all we were doing, and that healing is harder than you expected. Realistic expectations mean acknowledging that healing often looks like two steps forward, one step back.
In some ways, grieving the living is far more difficult than grieving the dead.
It’s grief for your life, the life you hoped to have, and moving through that takes time.
You may be grieving what you never received.
you may grieve that you never had a safe space, a sense of belonging, a soft place to land, or unconditional love.
ambiguous loss,[1] described as loss that is ongoing, unresolved, and unclear.
Leaving a narcissistic relationship may mean grieving the hopes you had for the relationship and the good days that were very real, as well as the time and parts of yourself you lost in the relationship.
disenfranchised grief,[2] which is grief that is not acknowledged by others or socially sanctioned and supported as a loss or grief experience.
holding space for multiple truths, painful as it is, is essential to moving through this process of grief.
narcissistic relationships can feel deeply unjust—you get hurt and psychologically wrecked, and they get to move on with their lives with little insight into the damage they wrought.
Healing in the absence of justice is difficult.
The key to healing is to grow and flex the psychological muscle that helps you recognize these toxic people and patterns as they come up, and instead of trying to change them, you manage them. You listen to your instincts and establish protective boundaries.
What does it mean to be narcissist resistant? It is to be knowledgeable, self-aware, self-forgiving, wise, courageous, discerning, rebellious, and realistic in your relationships.
To limit the narcissistic person’s impact, it also helps to not take responsibility for their bad behavior.
gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that involves the gaslighter denying reality and dismantling a person’s sense of self by denying their experiences, perceptions, emotions, and, ultimately, reality.
Over time, you will recognize that critiques at work are not the same as the cruel rejection of a narcissistic parent or partner, but since the SNS doesn’t know the difference, figuring out the actual threat can help you be more discerning.
The more present you can make yourself, the better you are at discerning unhealthy patterns and protecting yourself.
