It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

If moving forward seems difficult, it’s not about you not trying hard enough; it’s about trying to heal while you remain in broken systems.

After time with a healthy person, you may find that you feel energized, inspired, happy, and clearheaded. After time with a narcissistic person, how do you feel? My guess is fatigued, frustrated, disgusted, or angry.

After a healthy encounter we often feel a little better about ourselves (I often say that we feel about two inches taller after we spend time with a good person). However, after time with unhealthy people, you may feel bad about yourself, self-doubting, depleted, or somehow “less than.”

Toxic relationships are so time-consuming that you may not be able to easily foster and cultivate healthy spaces while in them.

You can just phone it in to your toxic relationship and bring your A game to your safe spaces.

Get educated about narcissism, and if you are from a happy family system, you may be able to educate them as well so they can be a supportive space for you (though you do not want to do this in a narcissistic family system!).

about identifying unhealthy behaviors that are simply not good for you, and realizing that these patterns don’t really change.

simply recognize that you have the autonomy to make a choice, something that is often co-opted by trauma and by narcissistic family systems.

But once you can see your justifications clearly as justifications, you are in a better position to catch yourself.

old). You may notice patterns, such as using different justifications for family members compared to friends, or find that your justifications tend to be more self-gaslighting

But guilt is subjective, and you may feel guilt at setting a boundary, expecting other people to do their job, or not showing up to an event even though you know you will be treated badly there.

When you feel guilty, ask yourself, “What did I do wrong?”

“If someone else did this, would I feel they were doing something wrong?”

Identifying strengths may be one of the hardest things for a survivor to do,

But your backstory, vulnerabilities, and roles aren’t happening in a vacuum, and as you make shifts and draw boundaries within yourself, there will be resistance from others who may shame or doubt you.

not the version that was shaped to cater to the needs and preferences of the narcissistic people,

Pain reaches the heart with electrical speed, but truth moves to the heart as slowly as a glacier.

the narcissistic person will not change, and they will sting you.

It’s less about the “Why did they do that?” and more about the “They did that, it’s not good for me, and they are going to do it again.”

Radical acceptance is acknowledging the reality of the narcissistic relationship landscape and, above all else, that their behavior is not going to change. Radical acceptance gives you permission to heal, because you stop channeling your energy into trying to fix the relationship and instead focus on moving yourself forward. The alternative is to remain stuck in the unfounded hope that it could get better and stay in these invalidating cycles in perpetuity.

All roads are hazardous when navigating narcissistic territory, but only one pathway will get you to a better destination, and that’s the one of radical acceptance.

There is grief in having to accept that your relationship cannot improve, that there will be no phoenix rising from the ashes, and that the narcissistic person will never really attempt to see and understand you. This can be devastating and cement the loss you may have been trying to avoid mentally and emotionally.

You can ultimately let go of the erroneous belief that there is something you can do to “fix” the relationship, and then you can stop wasting time and invest those hours into yourself and the relationships and pursuits that are actually good for you.

We don’t want to expose ourselves to the grief about a situation not changing; we want to avoid conflict; there is relief at maintaining the status quo. Do you have to leave the relationship for radical acceptance to happen? No. But is meaningful healing in the absence of radical acceptance possible? Not really.

If, like Costa, you still believe the relationship can change, or that there is something different you can do to make things better, it means that the ongoing cycle of abuse, self-blame, and disappointment will persist eternally, and this is also a difficult way to live.

healing in the absence of radical acceptance is like trying to walk on a broken leg the day after you broke it.

However, radical acceptance is not a magic pill—you also need to accept that even if you do radically accept that they won’t change, their ongoing hurtful behavior, even if you are prepared for it, still hurts.

Having radical acceptance means you are less surprised and, in fact, would actually be surprised if these things didn’t happen.

being surprised doesn’t mean you are okay with it, or even that it doesn’t hurt, but rather that you knew it was coming, and you get better at being prepared for it and experiencing your feelings about their behavior without judgment.

it allows you to stop framing your assessment of your life based on how things are go...

The day you stop waiting for the narcissistic situation to change is the day you take back the psychological resources and time that you expended on hope, avoidance, trying to make sense of it, and trying to change yourself to make it work.

The greatest barrier to radical acceptance is hope. Hope for change. Hope that the promises will be kept. Hope that things will get better. Hope for the genuine apology or accountability. Hope for the happily ever after. Hope that it is actually a normal and healthy relationship. In a narcissistic relationship, hope takes a long time to fade. The challenge of acceptance is that it squelches that hope, and evokes grief, guilt, and helplessness.

because radical acceptance begs the question “If it is really this bad, and it is not going to change, I can’t really stay in it, can I?” It can also raise tremendous guilt, as though you are a bad person for having a “defeatist” mindset about someone you are supposed to love.

But radical acceptance isn’t necessarily a call to leave a relationship or situation. It is a shift in expectations regardless of what you choose to do. It means that if you stay in the situation, you see the relationship and the behavior within the relationship clearly.

this will not be a safe space or a relationship you can rely on.

But radical acceptance is not a disavowal of a narcissistic person; it’s a rejection of their behavior and a recognition that this unacceptable behavior will not shift.

Children with narcissistic family systems learn to justify and rationalize seamlessly.[1]

To break through those enduring patterns and finally see parents clearly in adulthood is no small task.

Seeing the narcissistic behavior doesn’t make you “bad” but rather quite courageous.

To clearly see and accept a pattern that is painful to acknowledge yet be willing to make realistic choices and protect yourself is the height of fearlessness and resilience.

She felt that she could accept that she wouldn’t have a perfect relationship with her mother, or that her marriage would be rocky. But accepting that it wouldn’t change felt like a loss of hope; she may not ever get a loving, patient partner or a safe, compassionate mother. Letting go of those hopes and narratives was like a funeral in her mind.

The vast majority of us stay in at least one narcissistic relationship. That is why advice that only encourages you to get out doesn’t help.

Radical acceptance does not mean you have to end the relationship; it simply means you must see it for what it is.

When you first accept the narcissistic person for who they are, it’s normal to grieve the relationship or situation you’d hoped for.

Radical acceptance requires you to rather surgically examine why you are staying in the narcissistic situation.

it trauma-bonded factors like gu...

You are no longer trying to scrimmage with, gain advantage over, outplay, or even win over the narcissistic person.

You may even be willing to flex your “No” muscle a bit more because you’re no longer playing their game.

Ultimately, radical acceptance can set you free even if you remain in a nar...

There can be a complicated relief that comes from no longer living in suspended hope and waiting for the future-faked better someday.