It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

If you try to exert your wants, aspirations, or needs in one of these relationships, those attempts will not be tolerated by the narcissistic person, and over time, you will no longer feel that you are a meaningful player in your own life.

Narcissistic relationships are often not just about you—they may affect your children, jobs, friendships, or relationships with other family members. Your sense of powerlessness within

You may experience some (or many) of the patterns observed in depression, including sadness, irritability, changes in appetite, problems sleeping, feelings of worthlessness, being distracted and unable to concentrate, tearfulness, and social withdrawal.

Experiencing narcissistic abuse can be very lonely. Until you recognize that your situation is not unique, it is like living in an alternate universe where the world

you may grow to believe that asking anybody for help will result in disappointment or anger.

is an expectable reaction to the stress of a toxic relationship.

Mental health issues such as panic, anxiety, and depression may co-occur with the fallout of narcissistic abuse.

Your body is a more honest scorekeeper of the toll of narcissistic abuse than your mind.

while your body feels and holds pain, grief, trauma, and loss with less censorship.

I’ve also witnessed many of these health problems begin to remit once a person distances themselves fro...

In so many ways, narcissistic relationships take years off your life.

As difficult as this is, I have observed many people come out the other side of these relationships wiser, more courageous, and infused with meaning and purpose.

We can’t change our backstories but we can move forward.

simply hearing the term narcissistic abuse is the first time your pain received a name.

This is no ordinary broken heart, and for many it is a shattered spirit that began in childhood or a series of invalidating relationships that shaped you, wounded you, changed you, and stole reality and your sense of self from you.

Others of you may have felt shamed for being “estranged” from family members.

Sadly, we don’t always get justice and accountability, or even an apology.

Healing isn’t just about crying it out. It is about grieving and clearing out space, and in the new space, building a new life, finding your voice, and feeling empowered to articulate your needs, wants, and hopes, and finally feel safe. This is a process of evolving from surviving and coping to growing and thriving.

It means wisdom, discernment, and a willingness to step away from toxic people, even when other people are shaming you about forgiveness.

It is about radical acceptance and living with the painful realization that narcissistic patterns do not change.

Once you push back on the rumination and regret, protect and liberate the trauma-bonded child within yourself, and switch up your self-talk and stop gaslighting yourself, you will shift to unpacking your true self, as well as the goals and aspirations you silenced, and allow yourself to live into them.

Narcissistic people are noisy storytellers, and they tend to infect you with their limiting narratives for you. Ultimately, healing is about taking yourself back, revising the stories you were told, and rewriting them on your own terms.

Similarly, to heal from the fallout of narcissistic abuse and help prevent future abuse, we must first know our whole selves, including our vulnerabilities, belief systems, and histories.

Managing these vulnerabilities means understanding our backstories but also understanding what narcissism looks like, being clear on unhealthy interpersonal behaviors, catching yourself in the justifications and reflexive behaviors, and being aware of when reality is hijacked.

Healing means acknowledging all parts of yourself but also giving yourself permission to be discerning, self-protective, and aware. Empathy

Empathic people give second chances, forgive, and always attempt to see the other person’s point of view.

On the other hand, rescuers may feel empathy and be motivated by the need to please in order to stay safe, be connected, and feel useful.

Clinically, I have found that healing work with optimistic and temperamentally positive survivors initially takes longer, because there is such resistance to the concept of unchangeability.

When it was finally clear that the narcissistic person’s behavior really won’t change, that was a moment of devastation and depression.

If you are a committed forgiver, that raises tremendous vulnerability because instead of embracing forgiveness as a call to be better, narcissistic people view it as a sign that there will not be consequences for their behavior.

Children in these families find themselves in different roles that are designed to benefit the narcissistic parent(s) and keep the children limited and defined by the function they serve in the family.

With this as your origin, you may have a hard time believing that people can be invalidating, manipulative, dismissive, and cruel.

The upside is that if you did grow up in a happy family, the social support and resilience that derive from coming from a place of secure attachment and having a soft place to land can fortify you once you start to make sense of your narcissistic relationship.

that children in these systems are defined and cast in roles that work for the narcissistic parent with little regard for who the children are and what they need.

you may be the golden child when you are young, only to be replaced by a younger sibling or be dethroned because you are no longer cute enough or aren’t bringing adequate narcissistic supply to your parent.

she still has the overwhelming anxiety of facing her mother’s rage and disappointment if she attempts to pursue her own interests.

the favored child, the narcissistic parent’s favorite familial source of supply.

golden children get their attachment and affiliation needs met by being what the parent wants.

But the golden child lives on a conditional and perilous pedestal, knowing that if they no longer perform or deliver, their stock may drop.

Empathic golden children may feel a sense of guilt, grief, or even shame about being the “chosen one” instead of their siblings.

Also be mindful that you do not perpetuate this intergenerational cycle by anointing one of your own children as a golden child.

always trying to mediate and find a solution. You may also be conflict averse, a pattern we often see as part of trauma bonding. Fixers may often capitulate to what the narcissistic person wants and avoid setting boundaries, because of the tension and conflict that would come from those boundaries.

Find your way of being seen that is authentic to you.

Stop sharing your achievements, joys, and experiences with your family of origin; it dampens the joy of these experiences to have them unacknowledged and risks replaying that cycle of wanting to be noticed by people who can’t see you.

While the narcissistic parent will often attempt to silence your truth telling, they can’t stop you from seeing what is happening.

But as you get older, you may become the proverbial “black sheep” who sees the family dynamic with clarity

You may lack the self-confidence or sense of self-worth to activate your plan to get out, or you may feel guilty about leaving siblings or your non-narcissistic parent behind. You may also struggle with a permanent sense of grief because you recognize that you did not have a safe space or family who loved you unconditionally.

which is when therapy to manage these feelings as well as cultivating healthier sources of social support (a “chosen family”) becomes essential.

If you call out a narcissistic family member, you are viewed as the problem or are silenced, gaslighted, or ostracized.

All of this has taken this narcissism problem and blown it up, with these cycles repeating intergenerationally and intersocietally.