The Men Can't Be Saved

by Ben Purkert

“They think faith is about the future, when actually it’s about the present. Believing in what is. Not in a hundred years or a million years. Right now.”

“Jewish, not Jewish, either way. You’ll make your own decisions.”

But if you’re truly faithful, you’re not focused on what comes after. You’re too busy believing in what is. You look at every moment of every day as a tangible gift, something to hold in your arms. So when you die,” I continued, “you die from exhaustion. It’s hard to carry

every moment of every day. It begins to add up, all that weight. It’s much easier to be faithless. To carry nothing. To spend your days being carried along. But then, when it’s all over, you realize you’ve wasted your life. Because you never believed in it to begin with.

“Eulogies. That’s what we do.” He sped up in the hunt for his next opening. “Companies give us their shitty products, and we tell everyone why they’re the best.”

“All brands are lies,” she replied sharply. “Some just happen to be true.”

“Well, I’m done with secrets.” Her hand reappeared on my knee. “I’m too old for them now.”

“What do you mean? What words?” “Any words.” She chuckled, buttoned all the way up, then put her humming computer to sleep. “I’ll say whatever you want to hear.”

As a breeze blew hard and steady at my side, I considered letting myself drop. No jumping, nothing as dramatic as that, simply dropping. It was seven stories. It would’ve done the trick.

I’d never contemplated suicide before, not seriously at least. I knew Judaism forbids it, going so far as to deny suicides burial in Jewish cemeteries. Not that I cared where I’d be buried or concerned myself with following Jewish law, just that I didn’t want the Jewish people to suffer another casualty because of me. If a team’s shorthanded, you don’t quit midseason. You stick it out.

Now you will never forget the Holocaust. Or your keys.

“Pretty hot name. Ya-el! Like being named for an orgasm.”

“There had to be a good reason for all your lying. That’s what she kept telling me, telling herself.” He glared at me with suspicion. “Was she right?”

“Will you please spare me with the woe-is-me bullshit? It’s obvious why you lied to us. Why you kept lying over and over.”

“Maybe she never wanted your help. Maybe she wanted someone else to save her. From you.”