Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship

by Stan Tatkin

Making the Pact The couple bubble is an agreement to put the

relationship before anything and everything else. It means putting your partner’s well-being, self-esteem, and distress relief first. And it means your partner does the same for you. You both agree to do it for each other. Therefore, you say to each other, “We come first.” In this way, you cement your relationship. It is like making a pact or taking a vow, or like reinforcing a vow you already took with one another. Sometimes people say, “I don’t want to commit until I can be sure this thing

that

Are We Ready? I’m not suggesting you try to create a couple bubble prematurely. Sometimes couples find a bubble has been created at

Exercise: The Bubble Trouble Meter After you and your partner have entered into a couple bubble agreement, the next step is to monitor it. Although an agreement has been made, maintaining the bubble is a process. It’s ongoing. You could say the bubble assumes a life of its

own. And as such, you should periodically take its pulse. In this exercise, you will

develop a bubble trouble meter. By that I mean you will identify the signs that tell you your couple bubble is not providing the safety and security it was designed to provide. Over the next week, observe the level of closeness you feel between yourself and your partner. Of course, closeness naturally will undergo a certain degree of ebb and flow. What you want t...

Pay special attention to those moments of trouble. What happens? What are you feeling, and what is your partner feeling? What kinds of things do you say to each other? For example, you might notice that you go off and leave your pa...

Make a list of the specific signs you identify. Share these with your partner. Discuss how you can recreate your bubble, and strengthen it to prevent further stressful incidents. Remember: the bubble protects you both! It’s yours, so keep it clean and polished every day. In l...

Here are some supporting principles to guide you: Devote yourself to your partner’s sense of safety and security and not simply to your idea about what that should be. What may make you feel safe and secure may not be what your partner requires from you. Your job is to know what matters to your partner and how to make him or her feel safe and secure. Don’t pop the bubble. Because the couple bubble has as its foundation a fundamental, implicit, and absolute sense of safety and security, neither of you should have to worry that the bubble is going to pop. Acting

in an ambivalent manner, or taking a stance that is partly in and partly out of the relationship, undermines the security you have created. If this is allowed to persist, one or both of you will be forced into an auditioning position and you will lose all the benefits of the bubble you have so carefully constructed. Make sure the bubble is mutually maintained and honored. Note, this is not codependency. Codependent partners live through or for each other, while ignoring their own needs and wants, thus leading to resentment and other emotional distress. In contrast, when partners form a couple bubble, both agree on the principles and comport themselves accordingly. For example, I can say my partner should be available to me whenever I need, but I must make myself available too, without expecting him or her to go first. Then, if my partner doesn’t comply with our agreed-upon principles, we have some talking to do. If either of us continues to renege on our principles, one of us surely will be fired.

Plan to use your couple bubble. It provides a safe place in which you and your partner can always ask each other for help, rely on one another, and share your vulnerabilities. It is your primary means of support and protection. For example, whenever you and your partner go into social situations, especially ones involving difficult people, you can make a plan ahead of time that insures you will both be protected by your bubble. As Greta and Bram did, work together so you can figuratively hold hands throughout the event. By holding hands I mean remaining in contact with one another, tracking one another, and being available at a moment’s notice. Rely on eye contact, physical contact, whispering, hand signals, smoke signals—whatever! Conspire together about how you will address difficult people. Perhaps you will literally hold hands or sit ne...

like to call these warring parts our “primitives.” You can think of your primitives as your beasts within. The primitives operate without your permission. They are first in the chain of command with respect to survival reflexes, and function to trump all your other needs and wants. They are agents of war (fighting and running away) and defeat (surrendering and playing dead).

We can legitimately say it has been wired for love. I like to think of this part of the brain as the “ambassadors.” Unlike the primitives, the ambassadors interact with other brains in a refined, civilized manner. You can think of your ambassadors as your diplomats within. In reality, some of our primitives function as ambassadors at times, and some of our ambassadors have primitive functions,

THE AFTERMATH Fighting can be very stressful for couples, no matter how long or short their relationship may be. Often the primitives remain in charge of one or both partners for a while, after the obvious battle is over. The day after their argument, Leia wants to talk to Franklin, to try to clear the air. Her ambassadors are ready to assert themselves. However, Franklin doesn’t phone or

stop by after work. She has learned that whenever they fight, he withdraws for several days. He goes home to his apartment after work and lounges around with the lights down low and his phone turned off, watching television until the wee hours. Leia doesn’t know how to reach out to him, and she feels abandoned. After a few days, he will pop out of his depression

and phone her...

The primitive dictating Franklin’s response is the so-called dumb vagus. In scientific parlance, it is known as the dorsal motor vagal complex, but scientists sometimes refer to it as the dumb vagus because it isn’t discerning or subtle in its response to threat. If we get cut, stabbed, or otherwise physically wounded, the dumb vagus protects us by lowering our heart rate and blood pressure and signaling the hypothalamus to dump pain relievers (beta endorphins, our natural opiates) into our bloodstream. When you have blood drawn, do you become queasy or light-headed? If so, that’s your dumb vagus protecting you from bleeding out. Of course, you are...

Consult table 2.1 to identify which of the primitives you have caught in action.

Later (when things have cooled down), talk with your partner about each other’s primitives. If you feel a

Table 2.2 Your Ambassadors in Action

Exercise: How Do You Sound? Most of the time, we don’t stop to listen to the sound our voices make as we talk to our partner. We don’t pay attention to the rate of our breathing. We just run on automatic pilot. But when you slow down and engage your ambassadors, you gain a wide range of options. Next time you and your partner are talking in a relaxed setting, experiment and play with this. See what happens when you: modulate your voice (louder and softer; slower and faster);

whisper to one another (can you do that?); take a deep breath each time before you speak; ask one another which tones you like and which trigger your primitives.

REMAINING EMPATHIC—THE INSULA A special nod must be given to the insula. This ambassador gives us the ability

pick up our own body sensations, gut feelings, and heart beat. It is responsible for our ability to attach to another person, to have an orgasm, and to feel disgust. For our purposes, the insula is a vital contributor to feeling empathy. Thus, it is an especially important ambassador in the grand scheme of love.

The right brain carries our imagination, artfulness, and overarching sense of things. It is speechless, yet elegantly communicative in other ways. A great deal of our humanity, our empathy, and our ability to connect comes from this ambassador. It is by far the expert on all things social, including reading facial expressions, vocal tones, and body language.

Had either Leia’s or Franklin’s right brains been fully engaged, they probably

wouldn’t have ended up at war in the first place. One or the other might have suggested they pull the car over and talk face-to-face and eye-to-eye, or perhaps used a well-placed touch to signal friendliness and affection. The skillful use of vocal tone, direct eye contact, and touch are all the workings of the right brain. This ambassador is superior at picking up social cues of distress and responding to them effectively, particularly through nonverba...

Talking It Out—The Left Brain Nonverbal connection can go a long way toward keeping love alive. But it alone is insufficient. For this reason, our right brain has a colleague: the left hemisphere of our brain, or simply our left brain. The left brain understands the importance of detail and precision. Its ability to speak its mind is legendary. In fact, it has the gift of gab and can be qui...

made creative and meaningful statements that, if not leading to an immediate solution, might have given them a sense of possibility, newness, and relief. Either could have avoided war by saying things such as “I realize this makes you crazy but…” or “I know we can work this out…” or “I realize this is important to you, so what if we…?” Their words would have conveyed friendliness, consideration, and thoughtfulness, potent...

You may have heard or read in the popular press about the distinction between right-brain people and left-brain people. Usually this refers to a tendency to be either more nonverbal and intuitive, or more verbal and logical. In fact, some partners have a stronger right brain and weaker left brain. These partners tend to communicate and process threat with less emphasis on talk and more emphasis on feeling and expression. Other partners have a stronger left brain and a weaker right brain; their emphasis is more likely on log...

As ambassadors go, no other is as powerful and influential. Connected with almost every part of our brain, the orbitofrontal cortex is responsible for setting the stage for love. It is because of the orbitofrontal cortex that we are able to be curious about our mind and the minds of others. The orbitofrontal cortex is our moral and empathic center, and most importantly, can communicate with ambassadors and primitives alike. At times of impending war, it falls primarily to the orbitofrontal cortex to talk our primitives down. And the orbitofrontal cortex does this not so much by presenting a logical, debate-winning argument, as by providing feedback that enables the primitives to chill. It also allows us to feel empathy.

As long as Leia and Franklin—one or both—are unable to see, understand, and appreciate their partner’s concerns or viewpoint, they will not be able to create a couple bubble. It will be difficult if

not impossible for them to keep their love alive. However, if Leia’s and Franklin’s orbitofrontal cortices can operate properly, they will rein in their amygdalas and hypothalami at critical moments. Their smart vagi will remain engaged, and their right and left brains will act out of friendliness.

One solution to the problem of an offline orbitofrontal cortex is for partners to wait until they have calmed down enough to be able to make even the slightest gesture to help one another. Learning to remember to summon the help of the smart vagus and take a few deep breaths can help. Then, for instance, with even a modicum of calm, Franklin could have led with a sign of friendliness by saying something like “Honey, I love you and I understand where you’re coming from. You’re worried I’ll never ask you to marry me. I understand, and I don’t blame you for worrying.” Such an act of friendliness and love disarms the primitiv...

Most if not all of the recommendations in this book rest on the principle that you, as partners, need one another to keep love and avoid war. Initially, it can take time and some false starts. But eventually both of you must learn how to do this in a snap, without too much thought or talk. And that’s easier, as we will see in the next chapter, if you ...

Examples of situations you might use include selecting from a menu at a restaurant (table 2.3), taking the dog for a walk, hanging a picture in the living room.

Table 2.3 Sample Dialogues: What’s on the Menu?

In the meantime, here are some supporting principles to guide you:

Identifying your primitives in action helps to hold them in check. Now that you know who your primitives are and how they operate, see if you can catch them in the act. When a red alert is going off, for example, can you recognize it for what it is? I’m not suggesting you will automatically know how to instantly turn it off. First simply recognize that your amygdalae are sounding an alarm. This alarm may take the form of your heart racing, palms sweating, face burning, or muscles tightening, or you may notice yourself suddenly becoming weak, slouched, nauseous, faint, numb, or shut down. In later chapters, I will discuss more specific techniques you and your partner can use when your primitives are running the show. Of course, identifying your primitives can be accomplished only by none other than…your ambassadors;

specifically, your hippocampus. By definition, if you are able to notice your primitives in action, they can’t have gained the upper hand. If they have, it’s too late; better luck next time. And you can...

It’s always helpful to recognize what works well, in addition to what does not. For this reason, I also recommend identifying your ambassadors. Notice when they step up to the plate in support of your relationship; give them credit where credit is due. And invite them to step forward whenever their warmth, wisdom, and calm are needed. If your primitives are allowed to have their way—as sometimes happens—there will be no lollygagging around when danger’s afoot. Life will be filled with one crisis after another, as you continually fire blind without thinking ...

Identify your partner’s primitives and ambassadors in action. At times, especially if your partner’s primitives are large and in charge, you may be able to do this before your partner can. Likewise, your partner sometimes may be able to do it for you before you can yourself. Find nonthreatening ways to let each other know what you...

During the initial phase of a relationship, partners may give clues about their basic predilections with regard to physical proximity, emotional intimacy, and concerns regarding safety and security. But it is only when the relationship becomes permanent in either or both partners’ mind that these predilections really come to life.

Because we operate largely on automatic pilot, we remain oblivious to this entire dimension of our interactions. Moreover, we handle physical proximity differently during courtship than in more committed phases of relationship. For example, many couples touch constantly while they’re dating, but the frequency with which they touch drops off dramatically after they make a commitment. This can be very confusing, and can lead partners

to wonder, “Do I even know who you are anymore?” “Who Are You?”

A key premise of this book is that partners can benefit from having an owner’s manual for one another and for their relationship. An important function of this manual is that it allows you to define, describe, and ultimately label your partner’s predilections and relationship style. If you can recognize and understand each other’s styles, it is much easier to work together and to resolve issues as they arise. Having the sense that “I know who you are” makes

easier to be forgiving and to be sincerely supportive.

How We Develop Our Style of Relating

A secure relationship is characterized by playfulness, interaction, flexibility, and sensitivity. Good feelings predominate because any bad feelings are quickly soothed. It’s a great place to be! It’s a place where we can expect fun and excitement and novelty, but also relief and comfort and shelter. When we experience this kind of secure foundation as a child, we carry it forth into adulthood. We become what I’m calling an anchor.