Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship

by Stan Tatkin

These principles are: Creating a couple bubble allows partners to keep each other safe and secure. Partners can make love and avoid war when the security-seeking parts of the brain are put at ease. Partners relate to one another primarily as anchors (securely attached), islands (insecurely avoidant), or waves (insecurely ambivalent). Partners who are experts on one another know how to please and soothe each other. Partners with busy lives should create and use bedtime and morning rituals, as well as reunion rituals, to stay connected. Partners should serve as the primary go-to people for one another. Partners should prevent each other from being a third wheel when relating to outsiders. Partners who want to stay together must learn to fight well.

Partners can rekindle their love at any time through eye contact. Partners can minimize each other’s stress and optimize each other’s health.

The couple bubble is a term I like to use to describe the mutually constructed membrane, cocoon, or womb that holds a couple together and protects each partner from outside elements. A couple bubble is an intimate environment that the partners create and sustain together and that implicitly guarantees such things as: “I will never leave you.” “I will never frighten you purposely.” “When you are in distress, I will relieve you, even if I’m the one who is causing the distress.” “Our relationship is more important than my need to be right, your performance, your appearance, what other people think or want, or any other competing value.” “You will be the first to hear about anything and not the second, third, or fourth person I tell.”

The couple bubble is an agreement to put the relationship before anything and everything else. It means putting your partner’s well-being, self-esteem, and distress relief first. And it means your partner does the same for you. You both agree to do it for each other. Therefore, you say to each other, “We come first.” In this way, you cement your relationship. It is like making a pact or taking a vow, or like reinforcing a vow you already took with one another.

Partners entering into a couple bubble agreement have to buy into it and own it to fully appreciate it. They have to be in all the way. When partners don’t honor the couple bubble and complain they aren’t being well cared for, often the reason is that they get exactly what they paid for. Pay for part of something, and you get part of something.

The first principle of this book is that creating a couple bubble allows partners to keep each other safe and secure. Together, you and your partner can create and maintain your bubble. You agree do things for one another that no other person would be willing to do, at least not without getting paid.

So, the couple bubble is something you work on together. But also keep in mind that you are responsible for your end of the deal. You keep it up because you believe in the principle, not merely because your partner is or isn’t willing to do the same. It works only when both partners operate on a principled level and not on the level of “You go first.” Here are some supporting principles to guide you: Devote yourself to your partner’s sense of safety and security and not simply to your idea about what that should be. What may make you feel safe and secure may not be what your partner requires from you. Your job is to know what matters to your partner and how to make him or her feel safe and secure. Don’t pop the bubble. Because the couple bubble has as its foundation a fundamental, implicit, and absolute sense of safety and security, neither of you should have to worry that the bubble is going to pop. Acting in an ambivalent manner, or taking a stance that is partly in and partly out of the relationship, undermines the security you have created. If this is allowed to persist, one or both of you will be forced into an auditioning position and you will lose all the benefits of the bubble you have so carefully constructed. Make sure the bubble is mutually maintained and honored. Note, this is not codependency. Codependent partners live through or for each other, while ignoring their own needs and wants, thus leading to resentment and other emotional distress. In contrast, when...

throughout the event. By holding hands I mean remaining in contact with one another, tracking one another, and being available at a moment’s notice. Rely on eye contact, physical contact, whispering, hand signals, smoke signals—whatever! Conspire together about how you will address difficult people. Perhaps you will literally hold hands or sit next to one another in their presence. We’ll further discuss how to protect your couple bubble in chapter 7. In the meantime, remember that splitting up to deal with difficult people or situations leaves you vulnerable. Together, you can be truly formidable.

The parts of the human brain that specialize in survival have been around for a long time—actually, since the dawn of our species. I like to call these warring parts our “primitives.” You can think of your primitives as your beasts within. The primitives operate without your permission. They are first in the chain of command with respect to survival reflexes, and function to trump all your other needs and wants. They are agents of war (fighting and running away) and defeat (surrendering and playing dead). Fortunately for us, we also have a more evolved, social part of our brain. In contrast to our warring brain, this functions as our loving brain. We can legitimately say it has been wired for love. I like to think of this part of the brain as the “ambassadors.” Unlike the primitives, the ambassadors interact with other brains in a refined, civilized manner. You can think of your ambassadors as your diplomats within. In reality, some of our primitives function as ambassadors at times, and some of our ambassadors have primitive functions, as well. But for our purposes in understanding couple behavior, it is useful to oversimplify a bit and view them as opposing camps.

The second principle of this book is that partners can make love and avoid war when their primitives are put at ease. In this chapter, we have taken a journey through the brain, so to speak, to familiarize you with those aspects that are wired for war and those wired for love. Getting a sense of how these aspects work in your relationship is the first step in keeping love alive. In the meantime, here are some supporting principles to guide you: Identifying your primitives in action helps to hold them in check. Now that you know who your primitives are and how they operate, see if you can catch them in the act. When a red alert is going off, for example, can you recognize it for what it is? I’m not suggesting you will automatically know how to instantly turn it off. First simply recognize that your amygdalae are sounding an alarm. This alarm may take the form of your heart racing, palms sweating, face burning, or muscles tightening, or you may notice yourself suddenly becoming weak, slouched, nauseous, faint, numb, or shut down. In later chapters, I will discuss more specific techniques you and your partner can use when your primitives are running the show. Of course, identifying your primitives can be accomplished only by none other than…your ambassadors; specifically, your hippocampus. By definition, if you are able to notice your primitives in action, they can’t have gained the upper hand. If they have, it’s too late; better luck next time. And you can be assured that th...

The third principle of this book is that partners relate to one another primarily as anchors, islands, or waves. You and your partner should become familiar with each others’ relationship styles. We get to know our partner fully in order to become competent as managers of our partners in the best way. By competent managers, I mean partners who are experts on one another and know how to move, shift, motivate, influence, soothe, and inspire one another. In contrast, partners who are not experts on one another tend to create a mutual sense of threat and insecurity. They don’t enjoy a couple bubble. These partners also tend to wish the other would change, listen to them, or do things the way they do, and ultimately believe they coupled with the wrong person. Sadly, these partners merely recreate the insensitivity, injustice, and insecurity of their childhood, never really knowing what is within their reach “if only … .” For many people, closeness brings both the promise of safety and security and a threat to safety and security. This raises the question, how do you get what you want and need from a relationship, while avoiding what you fear might happen? This quandary is similar to stealing honey without being stung by a bee. The degree to which we must work to get the honey, while avoiding getting stung, in intimate relationships is the degree to which we feel fundamentally insecure. But here’s the rub: if we feel insecure about close relationships, there is no way to become ...

Be unapologetically you. Our task in committed relationships is not to change or become a different person. Quite the contrary: our task is to be unapologetically ourselves. Home is not a place to feel chronically ashamed or to pretend we are someone we’re not. Rather, we can be ourselves while retaining our sense of responsibility to others and to ourselves. And just as we are unapologetically ourselves, we must encourage our partner to be unapologetically himself or herself. In this way, we offer each other unconditional acceptance. Of course, being unapologetically ourselves doesn’t mean we are reckless or uncaring about how we treat others, or that we can use this as an excuse to be our worst selves. For example, if your partner is unfaithful or otherwise hurtful to you, he or she can’t simply say, “Tough. This is who am. Just accept it.” No. This is a time when apology is definitely in order. In fact, whenever your partner voices hurt, you need to focus less on being unapologetically yourself and more on tending to your partner’s needs and concerns. Remember the first guiding principle: creating a couple bubble allows partners to keep each other safe and secure. Your mandate is to be unapologetically yourself as long as you also keep your partner safe. Don’t try to change your partner. You could say that we all change, and also that we never change. Both are true. And this is why acceptance is so important. We can and do change our attitudes, our behaviors, and even o...

When we recite our relationship vows, perhaps we should say, “I take you as my pain in the rear, with all your history and baggage, and I take responsibility for all prior injustices you endured at the hands of those I never knew, because you now are in my care.” Hmm. How many people would be willing to say those vows? And yet, in my practice and research, that is exactly what I see couples in secure relationships doing. It is a conscious choice they make. They agree to take each other on “as is,” and take responsibility for one another’s care. As experts who understand their partner, they do what’s necessary to relieve the other’s distress or to amplify his or her elation. To many partners who find themselves at the mercy of each other’s moods, this kind of expertise may indeed seem like a secret superpower they’d do almost anything to obtain. The role of primary partner is a big one: it entails taking good care of another human pain in the rear. And the only way for this to work is for it to be fully mutual. Both partners need to become experts on one another. With this kind of arrangement, nobody really loses and everybody truly wins. You can think of it as a kind of pay-to-play version of romance, and it is, make no mistake, an investment in your future.

It is important for you to know your own vulnerabilities, and it is even more important to know your partner’s. Knowing your partner’s three or four bad things takes the guesswork out of what distresses him or her. Not knowing these three or four things can weaken the relationship and make it a dangerous place for both of you.

Exercise: What Can Uplift Your Partner? Are you aware of what things you can say or do that have the power to relieve distress and uplift your partner? Take a minute and think about these now.

The fourth principle in this book is that partners who are experts on one another know how to please and soothe each other. This means becoming familiar with your partner’s primary vulnerabilities and knowing the antidotes that are effective for each. Table 4.2 summarizes some of the typical vulnerabilities for islands and waves we have seen in this chapter and offers suggestions for helping your partner minimize these when they make an appearance. Again, I haven’t included anchors because they tend to be secure and less in need of antidotes. Table 4.2 What You Can Do to Help Your Partner

Here are some supporting principles to guide you in soothing and pleasing your partner: Learn to rapidly repair damage. Being an expert on your partner means you are continually alert to his or her mood and feelings. If your partner is bothered, you know it immediately. It doesn’t matter whether your partner is bothered because of something occurring between the two of you or because of something outside the relationship. In either case, you are enough of an expert that you can speedily make an educated guess about which of his or her three or four bad things has been touched off. There is no reason to let any problems fester. Seeing your partner in distress should be the signal to “stop the presses” before continuing on with anything. For example, if you think you caused your partner pain, you might say, “That didn’t go well, did it?” or “I’m so sorry. Did that just hurt you?” The worst thing you can do is ignore what you see on your partner’s face or hear in your partner’s voice. Let your partner know he or she can count on you to step up and say or do whatever is needed to repair the damage. And the same applies to you. You can rely on your partner to be there for you, to know your vulnerabilities and soothe you when you’re upset. It’s as though when you formed your relationship, you took out a policy that would ensure your comfort, and now because you’ve kept up with your premiums (that is, by being there for your partner), you’re able to relax and cash in whenever som...

In my experience as a couple therapist, partners who routinely make plans to meet each other in bed at night or to put one another to bed (whether or not they cosleep) and who routinely wake together report much more relationship satisfaction than couples who do not. Let’s look at some examples of how this can work.

Exercise: The Welcome Home Ritual Today (or tomorrow) when your partner comes home from work, take the time to fully greet him or her. If you look into each other’s eyes, keep looking until each of you can see your partner’s eyes focus and soften. Don’t stop until you see that happen! If you embrace, don’t let go until you feel the other fully relax. No skimping permitted. It’s not a timed event. Notice how you feel after this brief ritual. Is your household more peaceful? I’ll be surprised if you don’t find everyone, not just the two of you, benefits: the kids, the dog, the cat, even the fish!

The fifth principle of this book is that partners with busy lives should create and use bedtime and morning rituals, as well as reunion rituals, to stay connected. As I’ve stated, this book is less about helping yourself and more about helping your partner. Of course, in a truly mutual relationship, your needs will be met, as well, because both of you will take care of one another. However, the burden for finding opportunities to take care of your partner rests upon you. Two such opportunities are available each day: one at bedtime and the other upon rising in the morning. Here are some supporting principles to guide you as you develop launching and landing rituals: You both benefit when you put your partner to bed. Although going to sleep together every night would be nice, that isn’t always feasible. One or the other of you may have work to do on a given night. Or, as we discussed, one of you may be a night owl. Nevertheless, you can find the time to put your partner to bed. Make this a habit. And take turns on different nights so both of you have the experience of being put to bed. Variety is the spice of ritual. Create lots of bedtime and morning rituals for yourselves. For example, sometimes you may like to watch a TV program or movie together, as a way to wind down from the day. Of course, this easily can become an isolating activity (islands, I’m talking to you). Don’t let that happen. Be sure to make contact at regular intervals during the program or movie. Talk ab...

playful and fun. It can also be relaxing. Read to your partner. When was the last time someone read to you or you read to someone? Caution: reading to your partner can put him or her to sleep, so if that’s not your intent, consider choosing something else to do. Tickle your partner’s back, draw pictures on your partner’s back, or play the “guess what word I’m writing on your back” game. Do this in the dark so it’s a bedtime transition. Give your partner an orgasm. It’s good for health and for the relationship. Your partner having an orgasm can give you a contact high. Endorphins, oxytocin, and vasopressin flow into both partners’ bloodstreams, making you feel connected. Orgasms also are a great muscle relaxant and antianxiety remedy. Suggestions for morning rituals include: Make breakfast (in bed, or not) for your partner. Alternatively, you can go out for breakfast or to a favorite coffee or tea shop. Lie in bed together and gaze into your partner’s eyes. Greet your partner with a loving “Good morning!” Quietly talk with your partner about the day and what each of you will be doing, facing, or accomplishing. Use this time to remind one another of tasks, appointments, or agreements concerning this day only. Make plans for the nighttime. Agree to meet in bed at a certain time. Give each other orgasms. This can work especially well as part of your morning and evening rituals if you and your partner have opposing sexual arousal patterns (“I want sex at night, and he wants it ...

In a secure relationship, maintaining private compartments—whether having

to do with money, sexuality, shameful events, or even any conceivable threat to one’s partner—is counterproductive. Partners in a relationship based on mutuality agree they will feel safer and more secure if they fully know each other. Their goal is for both to be themselves within the relationship. Even if this is not possible in the outside world, they can be who they truly are with each other. They completely avail themselves to one another and grant permission to share whatever is on their mind, without reservation. In this sense, they have in each other a mind to know mine. And they agree to be go-to people for each other.

As we discussed in Chapter 1, partners who create a couple bubble enter into an agreement to put the relationship before anything and everything else. They agree to abide by the principle “We come first.” One of the specific agreements they can make to carry this out is to serve as the go-to person for one another. A related agreement is that each will be available to the other 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

When I say 24/7, I mean it literally. Each partner must enjoy a 24/7 hotline to the other. In other words, if one partner wants to call the other in the middle of the day simply to report an itch on the nose, his or her partner is expected to answer cheerfully—as in “It’s great to hear from you!” This privilege can be enjoyed by both partners at any time. So, for example, if you are my partner, and we’re in bed, and I can’t sleep because I’m anxious about the day, I can wake you up, and you will be there to help me without any feeling of resentment. Why? Because I must do the very same for you, if not in that situation, then in other circumstances when it likely will be inconvenient for me. That is our agreement. It is our assurance to one another that we aren’t alone, that we have a tether to one another. We do this for each other because we want to. We do it because we can. And because we appreciate how loved and secure it makes us feel. We wouldn’t ask it of anyone else, and nobody else would want to do it for us. Now, does this mean everybody should expect to be able to instantly contact his or her partner each and every time? Of course not. If you have that itch on your nose and your partner is high over the Atlantic on a business trip, you’re unlikely to phone the airline. However, the point is that couples should feel secure in knowing they can reach out to their partner at any time, anywhere, and their partner will be receptive. Moreover, this availability works bo...

It’s Okay to Be High Maintenance Partners in a couple bubble who agree to be available go-to people for each other benefit in ways nobody outside the bubble can. To be sure, maintenance of this agreement can feel burdensome at times, but the effort is well worth the trouble. Partners who expect one another to be available 24/7 are and should be considered high maintenance. In our culture, being labeled high maintenance usually is considered a pejorative. Typically, men speak about a woman as high maintenance if they see her as demanding attention, overly concerned about her appearance, or hard to please. This is not what I mean here. I am speaking about two people who are willing to go the extra mile for each other. They are willi...

they expect their partner to be at their beck and call. If I seem to be belaboring the point, it is only because I’m aware that what I’m describing runs counter to some of our basic as...

The sixth principle in this book is that partners should serve as the primary go-to people for one another. I have observed that partners who create and maintain a tether to one another experience more personal safety and security, have more energy, take more risks, and experience overall less stress than couples who do not. When you commit to serving as a go-to person for your partner, you open the door for your partner to do the same for you. Then you both can enjoy free and unencumbered access to one another in terms of time and of mind. In this way, you build synergy in your relationship, such that you are able to operate together in ways that are greater than if you each lived as essentially separate individuals. If you recall, this notion of “two can be better than one” was our descriptor of an anchor in Chapter 3. Our sample anchor couple, Mary and Pierce, acted as go-to people for each other and explicitly stated that they could tell each other everything. Similarly, by agreeing to become go-to people for each other, you and your partner can take a giant step toward ensuring that you become anchors for one another. Here are some supporting principles to guide you: Make a formal agreement to be available to each other 24/7. Couples often find that formally stating their agreement gives it added oomph. It is easier to hold to an agreement later, in the heat of the moment, when it has been explicitly made and both of you have bought in. This also gives you a chance to...

It may seem that way. But don’t be fooled. Yes, of course, no other relationship comes with the same burdens of expectation, dependency, and needfulness you experience with your primary partner. But herein lies the saving grace. The expectations you and your partner have of each other may be higher, but so are the potential rewards. Often, I think, we don’t take the time to get clear about our expectations of one another. We don’t get specific about what we need from our partner. Yes, you want him or her to make you feel safe and secure, loved and cared for. But how? What do you actually want and need from your primary go-to person? This is a question I can’t and wouldn’t want to answer for you. You must do that yourself, or with your partner, for the answer to be meaningful. However, I can report what I have observed among happily tethered couples. These partners are there for each other’s deep emotional needs. This means being able to share and discuss all their feelings, worries, concerns, and doubts, as well as all the joys and emotional highs. It means sharing old secrets and memories. It means revealing crushes and infatuations and fantasies. At the same time, these partners are available 24/7 for things that to anyone else outside the relationship might seem trivial or not worth a moment’s time: anything from the way your toenail is growing in, to the sound the ice maker in your refrigerator makes, to the latest joke someone sent you in an e-mail.

I’d like you to consider fidelity in terms of what it means to your couple bubble. Because both your and your partner’s safety and security—your very survival—depend on mutual conservatorship, you can view fidelity as synonymous with couple bubble. Sexual infidelity is an obvious breach of fidelity. But so, for example, are the following: Emotional closeness with a third that leaves you or your partner out in the cold Sharing of one partner’s secrets with a third Flirting online or sexting with a third Office romances or over-the-top flirting Use of pornography that excludes the other partner

The seventh principle in this book is that partners should prevent each other from being a third wheel when relating to outsiders. Every couple will find themselves engaging with outsiders, so your best bet is to rely on a strong and intact couple bubble. When you are solid with each other, the presence of thirds can actually amplify the positive aspects of your relationship. We saw how Landa and Perry have done this. Here are some supporting principles to guide you: Always make your partner number one. And say and do things—little ones and big ones—that remind your partner this is so. If your partner feels confident he or she is number one in your eyes, it will be much harder for thirds to pose a threat. The problem is that we often assume our partner already knows they’re number one and doesn’t need reminders. But you know what they say happens when people ass-u-me something, right? They make an ass out of you and me! Don’t shy away from thirds. It might be tempting to reason that if thirds can cause trouble in a twosome relationship, it would be best to stay clear of them. Obviously, this wouldn’t work in the case of children and in-laws. But it doesn’t work for other outsiders, either. Our friends and other activities greatly enrich our lives. The key is not to avoid them or minimize contact, but to find healthy ways to bring them into your twosome. You might wonder, what if my partner and I don’t share the same level of interest in a particular third? In fact, this is...

your partner. This means being there at that less-than-thrilling annual office party. It means going to the movie you consider sappy or boring or a bit too violent. Or to that baseball or football or soccer or basketball or hockey game. Why? Because—at the risk of sounding like that proverbial broken record—you’re doing it for your partner. And your partner does the same for you. And if you still can’t find it in you to enjoy the friend or party or movie or game, concentrate on your partner, and on enjoying your partner’s enjoyment. Realize that you as a couple hold power. In fairy tales, it is always said that if the King and Queen are living happily, then all is well across the land. If they’re at odds, suffering is inevitable in their land. The same principle holds true in your household. If you and your partner are unified and secure with one another, your children, extended family, guests, and even pets will naturally attune to you. How you are with each other will rub off on them. It will be the two of you, and not any thirds, who set the tone when you’re all together. Everyone benefits from a couple who are secure in their bubble.

One of the key elements to fighting well is being able to read your partner, to know in any given moment what he or she is feeling, thinking, and intending. We may not be consciously aware when something is amiss, but we often can feel it in our bodies. We just don’t quite feel right somehow. Probably the most reliable way to read a partner, however, is to use our visual acuity. When we look at our partner, our eyes rapidly and continuously take in information: moistness in his or her eyes, a slight flinch, the hint of a smile, a curling of the lips.

Couples in distress often look away from one another. This is a big mistake. The loss of continuous eye contact pulls each partner out of real-time tracking of one another and shifts each into a more internal, static, and historical perspective. Averting their eyes deprives the ambassadors of vital information and allows the primitives to take over. When this happens, each partner in effect moves away from the other—even if it’s not a physical move—and into a state of high alert. At other times, the mistake is simply due to poor physical positioning. When partners aren’t face to face in relatively close proximity (no more than about three feet apart), it is more difficult to accurately read one another. A minor issue can escalate quickly into a major problem when partners talk while driving or while walking side by side. (We saw this with Leia and Franklin, who fought in the car in chapter 2.) For this reason, I recommend against couples talking about important or emotional matters unless they can maintain eye contact and read each other’s cues. Why give the amygdalae unnecessary power? Of course, it can be tempting to pick up the phone when you want to work something out with your partner. You don’t want to have to wait until you meet again in person. I can’t stress enough: This is a bad idea! Hearing your partner’s voice without the benefit of eyesight can be very misleading. If your or your partner’s primitives go on high alert, there could be an early rush to war that ...

The Perils of Digital Fighting An even worse idea is e-mailing or text messaging. Many couples rely on these technologies, and of course they have great value when it comes to maintaining a 24/7 agreement, as we noted in chapter 6. But beware when a disagreement or potential disagreement is in the air. I have seen countless couples get into trouble texting about sensitive issues because they can’t read each other’s tone, intention, or feeling.

If one person is having a bad day, the other steps up. And vice versa. You track each other’s moods. In a heated dispute, you pay attention to how much is too much and how long is too long. You know when to quit or when to change the subject or distract one another. Sometimes it’s best to give things a rest so you both have a chance to cool off. However, don’t just leave the room, hang up, or turn away. If you do that, your partner may interpret your actions as dismissive. Rather, make sure the time out is mutually acceptable—say, twenty to thirty minutes to cool off—and not unilateral. Taking responsibility in this way is what I call smart fighting. Smart fighting is of the ambassadors, by the ambassadors, and for the ambassadors. It ensures that they will still be standing at the end. Remember, only ambassadors can be influenced, persuaded, cajoled, or seduced. Primitives aren’t concerned with maintaining relationships; all they care about is not being killed. Therefore, your and your partner’s primitives better not be the only ones left standing at the end of a fight. Couples who fight smart seek an outcome that allows both partners to be winners. They aim for a win-win solution. They say to each other, “We both have to feel good about this,” or “I’ll be happy only if you’re happy, too,” or “We’re in this together.” At the same time, they aren’t afraid to tell each other: “We are okay, but what just happened is not,” or “You’re a dear, but I’m going to get my way on thi...

The eighth principle in this book is that partners who want to stay together must learn to fight well. When you and your partner are relating within a strong and secure couple bubble, fights don’t threaten your partnership. You are able to pick up on each other’s distress cues and manage them posthaste. You don’t ignore problems and let them fester. Rather, you quickly error correct, repair, or wave the flag of friendliness. Here are some supporting principles to guide you: Losing is not allowed. Of course, no one wants to lose. I’m sure you and your partner are no exceptions. At times, it may be tempting to assert your will, to try to pick up a few wins for yourself. But honestly, what value will your pro-self interests have if a fight results in your partner being knocked out, on tilt, or otherwise non–compos mentis? Not much. That would be a Pyrrhic victory. So, you have to retrain yourselves. You have to rewire your ways of fighting. Think in terms of defusing conflict that turns ugly, rather than necessarily resolving it entirely. Most importantly, when you fight, both of you have to win…or you will both lose. And that’s not an acceptable outcome. Giving up isn’t allowed, either. Let me be clear: smart fighting is not about abdicating your position or giving up your self-interests. It’s about wrestling with your partner, engaging without hesitation or avoidance, and at the same time being willing to relax your own position. You go back and forth with each other, until...

Exercise: From Near to Far and Back Try this exercise with your partner. You will need a large room or a large outdoor area where you can be alone together. I suggest doing this exercise when you meet each other at the end of the day, but you can do it at any time that’s convenient to both of you. Stand or sit in close proximity, no more than two feet apart. Ask your partner how his or her day was. As you listen and ask questions for clarification, pay attention to your partner’s eyes. What cues do you glean from them? See if you can listen and attend to the eyes at the same time. Don’t stare! Keep scanning your partner’s eyes for information. After a few minutes, before your partner has finished talking, move apart from each other. If possible, have at least twenty feet between you. Again, attend to your partner’s eyes. Do you feel as connected as before? Finally, conclude the conversation back in close proximity. This time, however, keep your eyes closed and use only your other near senses, such as smell and touch, and of course hearing. Switch roles, and repeat steps 1 through 3 with your partner asking you about your day. Compare notes. How did the experiences of relating close up (with eyes open and closed) and at a distance differ? At what moment did you feel most connected?

The ninth principle in this book is that partners can rekindle their love at any time through eye contact. You do this by calling on your and your partner’s primitives and ambassadors to intentionally engage in the same ways as when you were first enamored. This may sound deceptively simple, yet the results can be profound. What you are doing is tantamount to short-circuiting your brain’s predisposition to war. If you haven’t already attempted to rewire in this way, I suggest you reserve judgment until you have given it a fair try. In the meantime, here are some supporting principles to guide you: Don’t be shy. Some people are naturally bashful when it comes to someone—even a loved one—looking freely into their eyes. This is especially true of islands, but some anchors and waves also are unaccustomed to extensive eye contact. I encourage you to push your limits with this. At the same time, allow yourselves to ease into it if one or both of you feels shy. If the discomfort persists, investigate what is keeping you from feeling safe and secure with each other. Vary your approach. I stress eye contact because of its great potential to rekindle love. But the other near senses are powerful, as well. You may want to turn the I See You exercise into I Touch You, or even try it with the senses of smell and taste. Don’t wait. If you wait to try rekindling love through eye contact until a fight has erupted with your partner, it may be too late, at least for that instance. You want t...

Be Annoying but Never Threatening I often tell couples that within their couple bubble they can do or say things that are annoying, but they can never be threatening in the eyes of their partner. You can be annoying with a smile on your face, and laugh about it later. But threats undercut your very security. Moreover, it doesn’t really matter what you consider threatening; if your behavior is perceived as threatening by your partner, then you have a problem. That said, here are some behaviors that typically are considered threatening: Raging Hitting or other forms of violence Threats against the relationship Threats against the person Threats against others important to your partner Holding on for too long and not letting go Refusing to repair or make right a wrong

Withdrawing for periods longer than an hour or two Being consistently unapologetic Behaving habitually in an unfair or unjust manner Putting self-serving interests ahead of the relationship too much of the time Expressing contempt (devaluation; e.g., “you’re a moron”) Expressing disgust (loathing or repulsion; e.g., “you make me sick”)

If any of the behaviors listed apply to your relationship, then you or your partner are a threat to live with, and ultimately destructive to your collective wish to remain safe and secure. Remember, partners are wired together: where one goes, so goes the other. If you are threatening or if your partner feels threatened, or vice versa, it can’t be good for you, either. You owe it to your relationship to immediately eliminate all threatening behavior.

Exercise: Be Medicine for Each Other How much time do you and your partner spend in close physical contact? I don’t mean just making love; that’s part of it, of course, but there’s much more: hugging, holding each other, cuddling, holding hands, kissing, giving a massage, and so on. Contact in these ways is not only enjoyable, it serves as actual medicine for both of you—to help your body heal, and as a preventive means to

If you haven’t already, I suggest you add this to your daily routine over the next week. Find a time when you can be alone together for a minimum of ten minutes every day. It can be before you go to sleep, or any other time that’s convenient. Spend this time in close physical contact. No sex! You can cuddle, caress, or even cradle one another as you would a baby. If you are someone who feels uneasy with physical contact, do this anyway and talk about it with your partner. Chances are high that you have always been touch aversive. But that doesn’t mean you need to stay this way. Right? We’re talking about your health here. Notice the effect this time has on your level of stress and on your physical health. Although you may want to continue beyond one week to realize the full effect, I’d be surprised if you don’t notice any benefits even within these first few days.

Tenth Guiding Principle The tenth principle is that partners can minimize each other’s stress and optimize each other’s health. I find this fitting for the closing of this book because it in effect ties together what we have already discussed. Bottom line, by adhering to the principles presented in the previous chapters—for example, a couple bubble based in true mutuality, well-trained ambassadors that keep your primitives in check, an up-to-date owner’s manual for your relationship—you avoid causing stress to yourself and your partner. In so doing, you actively foster physical and emotional health and well-being for both of you. Here are some supporting principles to guide you: Manage each other’s stress. In recent decades, techniques for stress reduction have become increasingly popular. You may already be familiar with these—time management, eating regular meals, getting enough sleep, exercising, relaxation, to name a few. However, what’s missing in most approaches to stress management is the key role partners can play. I’m suggesting that, as experts on one another who understand something about how your brains function, you can add the dimension of stress reduction to your owner’s manual. Knowing the three or four things that make your partner feel bad gives you an advantage when it comes to detecting stress and even anticipating it. You and your partner can support one another in reducing stress by making sure you engage in healthy activities and achieve balance in y...

partner’s stress, keep in mind that everyone experiences stress in a different way. For example, a tax audit that causes you to lose sleep could be seen by your partner as a minor blip on the radar. In this case, you each bring a different history and set of feelings about financial matters. So be careful not to impose your own evaluation of stress on your partner. Remember, you are an expert on him or her. So when you help your partner reduce stress, you do so on his or her terms. And, of course, your partner will reciprocate in kind. As you age… . Not all illness is caused by stress, but stress can aggravate any illness and make it worse. As you and your partner age, you inevitably will encounter the natural challenges all our bodies face as the years advance. Know, however, that by loving one another fully, learning how to defuse conflict and make choices that are pro-relationship rather than pro-self, and wiring yourselves for love, you stand the best chance of enjoying a happy, healthy, and ultimately satisfying union.