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we mature with damage, not with age.
I suppose watching the shitstorm that was my parents’ relationship unravel had put me off the prospect of teaming up with another human for life. If my parents’ relationship was a representation of love, then I wanted no part of it.
That’s a little too close to home 😑
Life, for me, was a bitter disappointment, and at the time, I had wanted no further part in it.
I didn’t feel better. I never felt better. I just couldn’t bear to watch my mother struggle. I despised being a financial burden on her, so I sucked it up, slapped on a smile, and continued to walk into hell every day.
Spending as much time as I did in my own company made it difficult for me to integrate back into normal teenage society.
I grew up very quickly, taking on the role of a man when I was little more than a boy, coached and pushed, pressured and championed. I didn’t have a social life and childhood.
“Jesus Christ,” he groaned so that only I could hear him. “I swear to god, lad, that girl drives me crazy.”
wasn’t shy. I could be as outspoken and verbose as anyone when I was with people I trusted. But I was cautious. I had good reason to be.
“What are you waiting for?” Gibsie called out, waving his hands in the air encouragingly. “Get going, Forrest.”
I hated humans. They were such a disappointment. And to think God switched dinosaurs for man.
“Hey—hey, relax.” I recognized the hint of a Dublin accent immediately. “Shh, relax. It’s just me.” Sagging in relief, I looked up at his face, registering the familiarity. “Oh god.” My words came out in a sharp gasp as I stared up at him, breathing hard and fast. “You almost gave me a heart attack.”
We both just stood there, a few feet apart, with him looking down at me, and me staring right back up at him. It was hard to explain what was happening, but it almost felt like he was rememorizing what I looked like.
wasn’t a fan of being outside in the dark, and I found myself sticking close to him. Concussion-giver or not, some part of my brain told me that I was safe with this boy.
“It’s no problem,” he replied. “I figure I still owe you for the broken head, huh?” “You didn’t break it,” I was quick to clear up. “You just knocked my brain around a little.” Johnny grimaced. “I kind of did, didn’t I?”
“Hey, Joe?” “Yeah?” “Can you do me a favor?” He tipped his chin up, letting me know he was listening. “Please don’t do to me what Darren did to us.” Folding my hands under my cheek, I whispered, “Don’t leave me.” “I won’t,” my brother vowed, tone laced with grit and sincerity. “I won’t ever leave you here with him.”
We’d been dealing with our father’s bullshit our entire lives.
Experience told me that boys were dogs. And fathers. Fathers were bastards and men couldn’t be trusted. Not all men, I begrudgingly admitted, but most were. Especially the athletic ones.
Too true
Or is everything I do wrong? Am I to blame for everything that goes wrong in this family?”
she truly believed that I didn’t know what it felt like to live in a war zone, then she was delusional as well as a neglectful mother.
“You are so concerned with fighting the bullies at school, Mam,” I sobbed, tears streaming down my cheeks, “when the biggest bully of them all lives under this roof.”
house. Knowing that I had no choice and would have to go back was a special form of hell. For once in my life, I wanted a safe place to run to instead of from. I felt like I was slowly dying in that house. In my home. Where I was supposed to lay my head. Where I was supposed to feel safe. The door opened behind me and every muscle in my body coiled tight with dreaded anticipation. He was up and I was done for.
I couldn’t keep doing this. I couldn’t keep living like this. I laid my heart out to my mother. And she was worried about a coat.
Invisibility was both a beautiful thing and a necessary survival tool sought out by people such as myself.
looked at my face. “What happened?” he demanded, glaring down at me. “Who the fuck made you cry?” “What?” I breathed, shaking my head. “I’m not crying.” “Your eyes are red and swollen,” he deadpanned. “You’ve been crying.” His eyes moved to my cheek. “The fuck happened to your face?”
“Give me a name,” Johnny growled, dropping his hands to his hips. “And I’ll take care of it.” “What—no! I’m grand,” I quickly replied. “I have allergies.” “Me too. To assholes and bullshit,” Johnny snarled. “Now, tell me who made you cry and I’ll fix it.”
before adding, “But I understand fear, which makes it easier for me to understand why you would feel the need to play through the pain.”
Back in the house of pain, I closed my bedroom door and then quickly stripped out of my wet clothes before throwing on my pajamas.
“It’s okay.” Johnny’s voice filled my ears as he rubbed soothing circles over my spine with his big hand. “Shh, you’re okay.”
I dry heaved for a solid two minutes longer before my stomach finally settled, and all the while he knelt beside me, holding my hair out of my vomit and rubbing my back.
“What’s this?” I heard him ask moments before his fingertips grazed my neck, right above the collar of my school shirt. “Your neck is bruised.”
You’re okay, I mentally coaxed myself as I washed my hands and splashed water on my face. Everything is going to be okay. I knew I wasn’t, though. No matter how much I tried to lie to myself, nothing was okay about my life.
felt helpless. I wanted to help her, but it was an impossible thing to do when I couldn’t see who she was up against.
She closed her eyes and bit down even harder on her lip, so hard that I reached over and pulled it free from her teeth. “Don’t,” I coaxed. Her eyes popped open. “Huh?” “You’ll hurt yourself,” I told her, retracting my hand even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.
“So, you’re on a feeding schedule?” Snickering, I added, “Like a baby.” Johnny flashed me an indulgent smile and took a deep swig of his diluted orange.
“My brother Joey told me about how they groom young boys like puppies.” Horrified, I asked, “Do they give you a list of banned foods and then punish you if you eat them?” “No,” Johnny drawled slowly, frowning now. “The fuck kind of place do you think the Academy is?” “If you’re not allowed to eat treats, then a terrible place,” I answered solemnly.
“Your loss,” I said with a shrug, then bit off a square of chocolate, moaning when the delicious chocolaty goodness hit my tongue. “Your gain,” he scoffed, as he swirled a clunk of ice around in his glass. “Wow,” I snorted, slipping the chocolate back into my pocket. “If I was a bigger girl, you could have seriously hurt my feelings.” “What?” Panic flashed across his face. “Fuck, no! It was a joke.” He leaned forward in his seat. “I didn’t mean… I wasn’t calling you fat… You’re the tiniest thing I’ve ever… Shite, you’re so small I could—” “Relax,” I snickered. “I’m not offended.”
“We’ll go when we’re ready to go,” he said in a voice so low and soft that it was barely audible. “Put your head up, Shannon like the river.” Moments later, he draped his arm over my shoulder and pulled me in to his side. “No one’s going to hurt you.”
I shrugged and ducked my chin, letting my hair fall forward, wishing I had Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak draped around my body so I could escape this situation without more pain. I couldn’t take anymore.
“Now,” I sneered, glaring down at their faces. “Who wants to call my girlfriend a whore to my face?”
I nodded and resisted the urge to lean across and kiss the shite out of those swollen lips. “I am absolutely sure.”
“Sorry about this,” Johnny muttered by way of explanation when he angled his big body sideways, causing his long legs to spill over into my space. “I’m, ah…” Shrugging sheepishly, he shook his head and grinned. “I’m a fair bit oversized.” No, he was perfect. God hadn’t made a single mistake with this particular boy. “It’s okay,” I hurried to say, folding my legs under myself to give him more space to stretch out. “I usually sit like this,” I added,
“Is that good for you?” “Yeah, Shan.” Offering me a small smile, he reached for his bottle of water and took a swig. “You’re good for me.” “Huh?” “It,” he correctly gruffly, and then roughly cleared his throat. “It’s good for me.”
Yeah, it was safe to say that I screwed up with the choice of film. My pint-sized companion was not a fan of horror.
But I did. I felt incredibly guilty. There was something about me that caused all this pain.
Mam took a beating from my father because of me. Because he hated me. I was the problem.
“I’m prettier to look at,” he announced with a wink and then proceeded to toss back shots like it was going out of fashion. I could always depend on this fucker. Hail, rain, or snow, Gibsie had my back.
What if I couldn’t get my shit together? What if my body didn’t heal? What the fuck was I supposed to do with my life?
This girl is different, my stupid fucking brain chanted. This one is for keeps.
You could love this girl your whole life, the crazy thought persisted inside my brain over and over, if you just let yourself.
“Ah, Christ.” I rubbed a hand over my face and groaned. “I almost feel sorry for you, Ryan, because you clearly have no idea of who you’re dealing with.”
