The Art of Husbandry (Mackenzie Country, #1)

by Jay Hogan

Second by second, Holden was forcing my body to remember, forcing it to break that dusty seal of grief. To bring me back to life without even trying, without even knowing what he was doing, and in a woolshed for fuck’s sake. I was coming alive in a smelly, dusty, cobweb-strewn woolshed. I was feeling something more than grief and anger for the first time in forever.

“And also—” He leaned in again, stopping just a breath away. “—that was the saddest first kiss of my entire life.” He brushed his nose against mine. “Like hello and goodbye all wrapped up in one.”

‘You have to see it, you have to feel it, before you can work on healing it.’

“I understood that grief and attraction and like and love don’t compete in some kind of linear race where only one can be in the lead at any one time. It’s more like a washing machine—everything present at the same time in a tangled, messy jumble. Sometimes one thing is on top, sometimes another. But paying attention to one doesn’t mean all the other stuff disappears.”

Was it a bad decision? Maybe. But at least it was a decision. I was done with standing still. Standing still was going to bury me, slowly, one grey day at a time. And I was done being scared to live again.

And since I ranked myself a pretty good shepherd, I figured I had experience to draw on. I just never imagined I’d be using it to muster myself up a boyfriend. Go figure.

I’d push him into whatever private space I could find and kiss him thoroughly until I guessed right what he’d been cooking.

I loved him in my house, in my space, in my life. I loved it all.

“You know, I’d forgotten what this feels like,” I shouted into the storm. “What?” he yelled back over his shoulder. “Happiness,” I answered, my tears mingling with the rain to be washed off my face.

And as he slept with his eyelashes laced over his cheek, his heart beating strong against my chest, and his arm still tight around my waist, I whispered, “I love you.”

“I’ve never felt this before and it scares the shit out of me as well, but not as much as not telling you does. I’d rather tell you and lose you than have you leave without knowing the place you’ve carved out in my heart.”

I’m talking about letting someone else have your back. Trusting your secrets and your doubts to another person. You were letting yourself lean on Holden, and he wasn’t taking any of your bullshit, not like I did.”