I'm a Fan: A Novel

by Sheena Patel

I fit into spaces which already exist and contort myself to fit a shape which has been allocated for me.

It is the only way to live a life, to regard anyone coming close as the enemy, as someone who is guaranteed to take from you, tokenise you, treat you as lesser because you are different.

I thought time stretched out forever, I thought I had the rest of my life to make this decision but I realise I am on a clock and it runs differently for me. I am female. There was never much time and I’ve wasted so much already.

What is the line between being vulnerable and prostrating yourself for a system that won’t recognise you?

Are the cravings for a fanbase an expression of how politically powerless we really feel? Or is it something else entirely?

We are saddened by the knowledge that nothing really collectively changes but reassured by the thought that it did for me on an individual level, as we backstroke across the vast placid sea of righteous superiority.

I want to be the cause of his loss of inhibition, I want to be the reason for his loss of control.