Queenie

by Candice Carty-Williams

Why did they do this, this organising of forty viewings at a time so that everyone panics and throws money at these overpriced and under-kempt boxes masquerading as flats?

He opened one of three cupboards to show me a two-ring plug-in hob that looked back at me as though it knew it would never be enough.

We’re all outsiders. First Brexit, then Blaxit,’ he chuckled.

‘Both. Not that being funny weird is a bad thing.’ ‘No, I know. I think it’s my personal brand.’

He was the first man I’d met who seemed not to want to immediately push any weirdness out of me.

‘You’re too much, Queenie.’

Another chocolate reference, this time from ‘Sexy69’, whose age range of preference was a very discerning 18 to 99.

He eventually turned to me and said, “Cool laptop. My girlfriend has the same one”. It’s their way of telling themselves that a) they’re irresistible to women, and b) they’re in control of all of their interactions.’

We all know heartbreak. We just have to learn to live with it.’

vowing that today would genuinely be the day I stopped fucking about and got on with my job.

I answered, fear stripping my voice of any real volume.

‘Do you want the megaphone?’ Kyazike asked. ‘I wouldn’t go that far,’ I said, raising my right fist above my head.

Elspeth took the traitor’s seat at the desk and started tapping at the computer, as they’re so fond of doing when they could be making eye contact and engaging with me at a human level.

nobody ever describes their partner as gorgeous unless they’re trying to convince themselves of it.

Jamaicans don’t typically believe in mental health issues.

‘Food is love’ is my family’s unofficial motto. Pity the motto is also ‘Have you put on weight?’

hating someone is a vital stage when it comes to getting over them.’

‘I pushed him away. I didn’t know why I felt so bad, I didn’t know how to talk to him about how I felt, and by the time I knew what was wrong, it was too late,’

I whipped it over my head quickly and looked around to see who was staring at my big thighs. Nobody seemed to be looking.

Women should be free to have sex on date one, two, fifteen, without being judged or cast aside, but sadly, men aren’t as evolved as women.’

he tried to counter and manipulate all of my points and say, at the end of every other sentence, ‘but don’t listen to me, I just like to provoke’. ‘That’s the thing about people who love to play devil’s advocate!’ I shouted. ‘There’s no emotional involvement in it for you, there’s nothing at stake!’

Is this what growing into an adult woman is, having to predict and accordingly arrange for the avoidance of sexual harassment?

‘Craft beer, start-ups, sense of entitlement? Reads books by Alain de Botton, needs a girlfriend who doesn’t threaten their mediocrity?’