Destroy Me (Shatter Me, #1.5)

by Tahereh Mafi

Sometimes I wish I could step outside of myself for a while. I want to leave this worn body behind, but my chains are too many, my weights too heavy. This life is all that’s left of me. And I know I won’t be able to meet myself in the mirror for the rest of the day.

Delalieu is the only person here who does not hate me.

That reflects more on your personality than theirs sir.

“My opinions,” I say to him, quietly this time, “should not so easily break your own. Stand by your convictions. Form clear and logical arguments. Even if I disagree.”

She is a soft, deadly creature. Kind and timid and terrifying. She’s completely out of control and has no idea what she’s capable of. And even though she hates me, I can’t help but be fascinated by her. I’m enchanted by her pretend-innocence; jealous, even, of the power she wields so unwittingly. I want so much to be a part of her world. I want to know what it’s like to be in her mind, to feel what she feels. It seems a tremendous weight to carry.

So i need a man to be this in love with me.

His thoughts are so empty, so mindless; it’s like conversing with a desk lamp.

Thats just speaking with a male unfortunately

Torture is not torture when there’s any hope of relief.

4,572. I watched her count. To 4,572. It took five hours. Only afterward did I realize she was counting her breaths.

Her obsession with numbers. He paid attention . Am i becoming team warner instead of kent ?!

I knew she’d been pulled out of school at fourteen. I knew she’d been through severe testing and was forced to take various—and dangerous—experimental drugs, and had to undergo electroshock therapy. In two years she’d been in and out of nine different juvenile detention centers and had been examined by more than fifty different doctors. All of them described her as a monster. They called her a danger to society and a threat to humanity. A girl who would ruin our world and had already begun by murdering a small child. At sixteen, her parents suggested she be locked away. And so she was.

THE POOR BABY :(

It’s a strange thing, to never know peace. To know that no matter where you go, there is no sanctuary. That the threat of pain is always a whisper away.

This sums up how it feels to be trapped in your brain.

Because the truth is, I am nothing but a coward.

I’m standing in the main chamber. Facing myself. This is a very simple simulation. I didn’t change my clothes or my hair or even the room’s carpeted floors. I didn’t do anything at all except create a duplicate of myself and hand him a gun. He won’t stop staring at me. One. He cocks his head. “Are you ready?” A pause. “Are you scared?” My heart kicks into gear. He lifts his arm. Smiles a little. “Don’t worry,” he says. “It’s almost over now.” Two. “Just a little longer and I’ll leave,” he says, pointing the gun directly at my forehead. My palms are sweating. My pulse is racing. “You’ll be all right,” he lies. “I promise.” Three. Boom.

I FEEL TERRIBLE FOR HATING HIM NOW. I HOPE NOONE I KNOW EVER HAS TO EXPERIENCE THIS.

I’ve come to believe that the most dangerous man in the world is the one who feels no remorse. The one who never apologizes and therefore seeks no forgiveness. Because in the end it is our emotions that make us weak, not our actions.

People seldom realize that they tell lies with their lips and truths with their eyes all the time.

I could live here, I think. Live where gravity does not know my name. Here I am unbound, untethered by the chains of this life. I am a different body, a different shell, and my weight is carried by the hands of friends. So many nights I’ve wished I could fall asleep under this sheet.

Swallow the tears back often enough and they’ll start feeling like acid dripping down your throat.

real.

Love is a heartless bastard. I’m driving myself insane.

I fall backward onto my bed, fully dressed. Coat, boots, gloves. I’m too tired to take them off. These late-night shifts have left me very little time to sleep. I feel as though I’ve been existing in a constant state of exhaustion.

BRO IS IN LOVEEEEEEE LIKE I MEAN IN ITTTTTTT

And I can’t help but be amazed at the power such small, unassuming animals wield over us; they so easily break down our defenses.