Destroy Me (Shatter Me, #1.5)

by Tahereh Mafi

Boots. Socks. Slacks. Sweater. My military jacket with its many buttons. The many buttons she ripped open. It’s a small reminder, but it’s enough to spear me.

I knew she was terrified, horrified, even, but I never thought those feelings were directed toward me. I’d seen her evolve as we spent time together; she seemed more comfortable as the weeks passed. Happier. At ease. I allowed myself to believe she’d seen a future for us; that she wanted to be with me and simply thought it impossible.

I run my good hand down the length of my face; cover my mouth. The things I said to her. A tight breath. The way I touched her. My jaw tenses.

Sometimes I wish I could step outside of myself for a while. I want to leave this worn body behind, but my chains are too many, my weights too heavy. This life is all that’s left of me. And I know I won’t be able to meet myself in the mirror for the rest of the day.

I should not trust him. And yet, I do.

Friendship is not a thing I have ever experienced. Not as a child, and not as I am now. Except. One month ago, I met the exception to this rule. There has been one person who’s ever looked me directly in the eye. The same person who’s spoken to me with no filter; someone who’s been unafraid to show anger and real, raw feeling in my presence; the only one who’s ever dared to challenge me, to raise her voice to me—

She is a soft, deadly creature. Kind and timid and terrifying. She’s completely out of control and has no idea what she’s capable of. And even though she hates me, I can’t help but be fascinated by her. I’m enchanted by her pretend-innocence; jealous, even, of the power she wields so unwittingly. I want so much to be a part of her world. I want to know what it’s like to be in her mind, to feel what she feels. It seems a tremendous weight to carry. And now she’s out there, somewhere, unleashed on society. What a beautiful disaster.

All this for a kiss. It’s almost unbearable.

Torture is not torture when there’s any hope of relief.

Utilizing her as a weapon was a story I fed to my father; I needed an excuse to have access to her, to gain the necessary clearance to study her files. It was a charade I was forced to maintain in front of my soldiers and the hundreds of cameras that monitor my existence. I did not bring her on base to exploit her ability. And I certainly did not expect to fall for her in the process. But these truths and my real motivations will be buried with me.

I was jealous. Ridiculous. I wanted her to know me; I wanted her to talk to me. And I felt it then: this strange, inexplicable sense that she might be the only person in the world I could really care about. I force myself to sit up. I hazard a glance at the notebook still clutched in my hand. I lost her. She hates me. She hates me and I repulse her and I might never see her again, and it is entirely my own doing.

And suddenly this small, battered notebook means more to me than anything I’ve ever owned.

She put my hand in the fire once. Just to see if it would burn, she said. Just to check if it was a regular hand, she said. I was 6 years old then. I remember because it was my birthday.

This girl is destroying me. A girl who has spent the last year in an insane asylum. A girl who would try to shoot me dead for kissing her. A girl who ran off with another man just to get away from me. Of course this is the girl I would fall for. I close a hand over my mouth. I am losing my mind.

“God, Juliette,” I gasp. And fall to my knees.

grieve nothing. I take everything.

But this is all very deceiving. Because the truth is, I am nothing but a coward.

And some days I wonder why I insist on keeping myself alive.

I could live here, I think. Live where gravity does not know my name. Here I am unbound, untethered by the chains of this life. I am a different body, a different shell, and my weight is carried by the hands of friends. So many nights I’ve wished I could fall asleep under this sheet. I sink deeper. In one week my entire life has changed.

I take a deep breath. Take another sip of this coffee. I’m surprised to discover how much I enjoy the bitter taste of it.

fall back against the wall. And crumble to the floor.

Swallow the tears back often enough and they’ll start feeling like acid dripping down your throat.

Light a candle for me, I used to whisper to no one. Someone Anyone If you’re out there Please tell me you can feel this fire.

I almost forget that she still hates me, despite how hard I’ve fallen for her. And I’ve fallen. So hard.

Love is a heartless bastard. I’m driving myself insane.

I can’t remember a reason why this can’t be right or real. I can’t focus on anything but the fact that she’s sitting on my lap, touching my chest, staring into my eyes like she might really love me.

Something barrels into the backs of my legs. I hear a strange, labored sort of panting; I turn around. It’s a dog. A tired, starving dog, so thin and frail it looks like it could be knocked over by the wind. But it’s staring at me. Unafraid. Mouth open. Tongue lolling. I want to laugh out loud. I glance around quickly before scooping the dog into my arms. I don’t need to give my father any more reasons to castrate me, and I don’t trust my soldiers not to report something like this. That I would play with a dog.

I nearly collapse. Juliette. She’s staring at me. She’s actually here, staring at me, her eyes wide and panicked. My legs are suddenly made of lead. I’m rooted to the ground, unable to form words. I don’t even know where to start. There’s so much I want to say to her, so much I’ve never told her, and I’m just so happy to see her—God, I’m so relieved— She’s disappeared. I spin around, frantic, wondering whether I’ve actually begun to lose my grip on reality. My eyes land on the little dog still sitting there, waiting for me, and I stare at it, dumbfounded, wondering what on earth just happened. I keep looking back at the place I thought I saw her, but I see nothing. Nothing. I run a hand through my hair, so confused, so horrified and angry with myself that I’m tempted to rip it out of my head. What is happening to me.