Tethered Love

by Kimberly Brown

“She knew I wanted children when she met me, man. She knew it when we started dating, she knew it when I proposed, and she knows it now. I’m thirty-seven years old. I want to experience fatherhood while I’m still young enough to run after my seed. I love Easton. I’ll always treat him like he’s my own, but a child that came from me has always been a desire.”

“I get it, man. Looking into the face of a baby you created is a different type of love. You realize you know true, unconditional love with your child. That’s one of the few people in the world you give and take a bullet for, no questions asked. It’s the deepest shit you’ll ever feel.”

“If I knew being in the hospital would bring you back to me, I would have gotten admitted a long time ago,” Porchea jested when Eliana walked into the room. “Now is not the time to joke like this, Porchea,” Eliana said, pulling up a chair beside her. “What’s going on?” Her eyes finally settled on the bump in her best friend’s stomach. “You’re pregnant?” Eliana’s heart filled with emotion. Had she loss the baby too? Though they shared everything, this was one thing she didn’t want to share with her. “I am. Six months.” “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I knew you were going through a hard time. I didn’t want to salt an already open wound. I’m so sorry, Ellie. I hate to burden you when you are dealing with so much, but I need you.” Eliana grabbed her hands. “I’m here.” “I need to tell you something… I have heart disease, Ellie.” “Heart disease? Since when?” “A few years now. I’ve tried everything to change the trajectory but it’s so aggressive. I’m pregnant and this baby is putting so much strain on my heart. There’s a chance...” She swallowed hard, forcing herself to say the words. “There’s a chance I won’t make it out of delivery.”

“Don’t say that!” “It’s the truth. I’m telling you this because I need you. My parents are gone. I don’t have any family I’d trust enough for what I’m about to ask you.” Eliana sat up straight. “What are you talking about? What are you saying?” “If the time comes where the choice has to be made between saving me and saving my child, I want you to save my baby, Ellie. Give my baby a fighting chance. Love them the...

“Where is the father? Why isn’t he here with you?” “He doesn’t know I’m pregnant.” “Oh, Porchea…” “It was a summer fling. We shared two of the most beautiful months together. I got the final update on my diagnosis the last week I was with him. It was after the first night he made love to me. I made him wait almost the whole summer before I let him touch me, Elle. It was beautiful and perfect. Then I left the next day to fly home for an appointment and go...

couldn’t tell him, Ellie. I loved him and I couldn’t tell him I was dying. He would have dropped everything to be with me and I couldn’t live with ruining his life. I didn’t even find out I was pregnant until two months ago.” “He deserves to know, Porchea.” “I know he does, but it’s too late. Maybe it’s best this way. Please…” She squeezed Eliana’s hands. “Please tell me you’ll take care of my baby. Tell me you’ll love an...

“So she’ll always carry a part of me with her.” Tears streamed down Eliana’s face. She had the hardest time processing the revelation and the request. For hours, they’d sat in silence, basking in the somber news. She’d been heartbroken, but with that same heavy heart, she agre...

“Where to, Miss?” the older gentleman asked as she settled into the back seat.

“Grand Hills University,” she answered. “Carson Hall.”

“I’m going to meet my father. He’s a professor there.” “He let you travel all this way alone?” “It’s a surprise.” “Well, I’m sure it’ll be a very happy surprise.” Violet smiled. “I hope so.”

She looked at him in disgust. “You know what I think this is, Malachi? I think this is regurgitated grief over your ex-lover. She reminds you of that woman. That and the fact that you are so desperate to have a child, you’ll believe this shit without any real, hard, factual evidence. You want her to be yours. I’m starting to believe that’s the only reason you wanted to marry me. That’ll finally fulfill your desperate need to be a father.”

“You know, you’ve been saying a lot of questionable shit, Z. But that right there… that was hitting below the belt. I’d never throw something like that in your face. I’d never say some shit like that to intentionally hurt you. The way you moving right now is speaking volumes. Get your shit together or you won’t have to worry about me, Violet, or a fucking paternity test because you won’t be in this house to deal with it.”

“You heard exactly what I said.”

“Your fiancée since she wants to talk out the side of her fucking neck to my child. I don’t know who the hell she thinks she is, but I don’t play about that little girl. Bring her ass to the door because that’s the first thing I’m addressing.”

“Make sure you hear this, bitch,” Eliana said. “Adults address adults. You don’t address my child about a muthafucking thing the way you did yesterday. If you have a problem with her, you address me. I answer for her. I’m telling you right now, should this man turn out to be her father and she’s around, I’m beating your ass on sight every fucking time if you even breathe on her the wrong way.”

“Porchea was more than my best friend. She was my sister. When she died… it hit me hard.

“She wrote these to you. I thought maybe you’d like to have them. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to give them to you, but they’re personal. You should know what she thought of you.”

I felt her for years after she left. Back then, I was sure it was me not getting over her, but now I believe it was because we created that beautiful little girl. For so long… so fucking long, I’ve wanted nothing more than to be a father.”

“I know the feeling. Before Violet, I had six miscarriages. I’d just accepted I could never give my husband a child when Porchea asked us to take her. Then when I lost him, Violet saved my life. I was at a point where I wanted to just end it all. I looked at that little girl and remembered I had someone to live for. I remembered that, without me, she had no one else who could love her like I love her. None of my blood runs through her veins, but she made me a mother. If what I feel… if what you feel is right… she makes you a father.”

“Can you stay until tomorrow? I know she has school on Monday, but I just want to spend some time with her.” “I can do that. I’ll just have to find a hotel—”

“You have a little cockiness to you, Baby Girl,” Malachi said, chuckling. “I ain’t mad at you, though.”

“Then what did you sign up for? Because I thought when you’re about to enter a marriage, you sign up for better or worse, sickness and in health. What would you have me do? What would it look like me accepting your son and you can’t accept my kid? That’s crazy to me, Ziva.”

“Look, I’m sorry if me bringing her here made you feel some type of way. I didn’t know what else to do in the heat of the moment. I’m not trying to fight with you, Z. And I’m not cool with us talking to each other all crazy and shit. You’re my woman and I love you, but, baby, you been trippin’ hard.”

“I am. She had heart disease. She was in the final stages and died during childbirth. Her best friend and her husband took Violet. She’s been in Virginia all this time.”

“I just wanna know if she’s mine. I feel like she is, but I need to see it in black and white. I bought one of those at-home paternity tests. I need you to run it for me.” Malachi handed him the bag with the test.

“I did. She seems like a good kid. Very mature and well-spoken for her age. Smart as hell. Loving. When she hugged me… man, all I could think was, this is my kid. Ain’t no other way to describe the feeling I felt in that moment. You know how long I’ve waited for a moment like that, dawg.”

“I know. I hope the results are what you want, bruh. I know you are going to spoil that little girl.”

“If I have to leave her to have a relationship with my kid, I’ll do that. I love Z. Before this, we didn’t have the perfect relationship but she never acted like this, Jace. I’m beginning to think she either doesn’t want to have a baby or she just doesn’t want to take care of a child that isn’t hers.”

“That’s the crazy shit. It doesn’t make sense, but that is the mindset of some of these women. You got some of them that expect you to treat all of their children like they’re yours, yet they will neglect your child with someone else. I’ve never been on that type of time. What would I gain from mistreating a child based on whether they are mine? She literally had nothing nice to say to Violet. I couldn’t blame her or her mother for clapping back at her.”

“And that is understandable. Listen, man. You know Clint and I got you. We’ll accept lil mama as our niece with no hesitation. You know Uncle Jace love the kids.”

“I know you do. I appreciate that. I’ma let you get back to work. I came here to clear my head.” “I feel you. Maybe after this, you, me, and Clint can head over to Barcode for a few beers and a game or two.” “I’m down with that. I’ma holla at you.”

“I do. I watched them together. Just from the little time we spent with him, I can tell they share similarities. There are little things, like she has his smile. There are certain faces she makes that are identical to his and you wouldn’t notice it unless you are familiar with either of them. I think she gets her smarts from him too. The man is a professor and biomedical scientist. He has his own lab fully funded by the university he works at and it happens to be one of her top school choices. I know having him there is going to make her want to go even more. I can’t help but feel like she may just want to leave me one day, Ma.”

“They all have to leave one day, baby, but she won’t go before it’s time for her to branch out. Violet loves you more than anything. You chose to love her when you didn’t have to. That’s a special kind of love that nothing can come between. If he’s her father, just think of it as a blessing. He could have pushed her away. He could have said he didn’t want anything to do with her after being kid free for thirteen years. He could have done anything but what he did. Give him the chance you were given.”

She didn’t ask to be here. She didn’t ask for any of this. As the mother she was chosen to be, Eliana knew she had to right the wrong done to Malachi. She at least owed him that much.

How could I be blessed to find my soulmate and not have the chance to really love him?

“Eat your pussy from the back, then long stroke your shit until you’re having back-to-back orgasms?” Aries finished for her.

“I mean, they make some pretty realistic strap-ons these days,” Aries said, laughing. “I’m not eating your coochie, though. I don’t do that anymore.”

“I know the truth. She was fine with me playing daddy to her son. She was fine with me taking him to basketball games, football games, or spending time with him or money on him. She was fine with me being at his awards shows and high school graduation. She was fine with me packing him up and driving eight fucking hours to move him into an apartment off campus that I pay for. She didn’t have a problem with any of that!

“I did that out of love. I did that because when I took on his mother, I took him on too. I didn’t do that shit for recognition or a thank you. I did it because even though he was sixteen when I met him, he was still a child that needed the love of a father. I did that shit because in spite of the fact I didn’t have a hand in his birth, I saw him as a son because I loved his mother.”

“I can’t do this shit, Ziva. Whether Violet is or isn’t mine, I’m afraid this relationship between you and me has run its course.”

“I won’t let you leave me, Malachi. I can do better, I can be better. You want me to play step mommy, fine—”

“I don’t want you to play anything, Z. I’m walking out of here with a clear mind and a clear heart when it comes to you. I’m going home, I’m gonna pack my suitcase, and I’m going to start my fall break by going to see my daughter.”

His heart didn’t allow him to feel sorry for her. She had dug this grave, and now, she had to lie in it.

“She actually talked about that once,” Malachi interjected. “She didn’t say your name, but she told me she always felt like she disappointed you by not continuing. She said her heart just wasn’t in it anymore.” “If only I knew then she meant that literally.”

“I get it. This emotional rollercoaster isn’t a walk in the park for me, either. I only knew her for two months, but what I felt for her was real. I never got closure from her departure.”

“I bet. Is that… is that part of the reason you ended your engagement?”

“No. Ziva wasn’t the woman I thought she was. She would never be okay with me having a relationship with Violet and I wasn’t okay with that. It was like she felt it was going to take something from her. I’m falling in love with that little girl. There was no way I could consistent...

“Well, I’m sorry you’re dealing with heartbreak, but eventually, I would have had to lay hands on her and I’...

I take Violet to the beach on her birthday and we sprinkle a few of her ashes into the ocean.” “She would have loved that.” “She requested it. There aren’t many ashes left. Next year will probably be the last year we can do it.”