He Who Fights with Monsters 10 (He Who Fights with Monsters, #10)

by Shirtaloon

“You look nervous, Vidal,” Jason said. “Unhappy.” “I’m an Adventure Society official,” he said. “It doesn’t sound like you intend to make my life any easier.” “Don’t forget what being an adventurer is about,” Rufus told him. “It’s not about the society and it’s not about us. It’s about helping people. Protecting people.” “I don’t think you all being at odds with the Adventure Society will help a lot of people,” Vidal pointed out. “And I think that excuses like that are how people who have corrupted the Adventure Society’s purpose get good adventurers to go along with bad intentions,” Rufus shot back. “All that accomplishes is getting people to stay quiet while the poison spreads.”

“For now,” Jason said, “we’re going to continue the contracts we signed up for.” “Because it’s about the people who need help,” Rufus reiterated. “They don’t care about the politics. They only care about the monsters threatening their homes and families.” “And we’re going to help them,” Humphrey said.

“Look at you, fighting authority,” Belinda told Humphrey. “You’re turning into Jason.” Humphrey looked at her for a long moment, then took a plate from his storage space and held it out for her. “Sandwich?” he asked in a deadpan voice and everyone but Vidal started laughing. “This is a very weird team,” Vidal said.

“I’ve got to stop saving the world,” he muttered. Although his words were snatched away on the wind, Shade heard them perfectly. “We both know that you won’t step away, Mr Asano. Perhaps you should simply enjoy the moment and leave tomorrow to tomorrow.” “You’re a wise man, Shade.”

“Ah,” Jason said. “It’s hard to be penitent when you feel no need for penance. I fear I will never be in your lady’s good graces.”

“You may. And if I may say, Mr Asano, you were far less difficult to deal with than the rumours have suggested.” “I’m a perfectly reasonable man.” “We just had such a good meeting, Mr Asano. Let us not start lying now.”

“No offence, bro, but your mum sounds kind of twisty.” “Yes,” Humphrey said with a weary sigh. “Yeah,” Jason said with a wistful sigh, getting a snort of laughter from Neil and a glare from Humphrey.

Jason tried to avoid thinking of Rufus’ mother—his own magical therapist—as a stern-but-sexy professor, and continued.

Faith is the bane of intellect. We use that.” “Jason, the gods can hear you,” Carlos said. “You may want to clarify that you’re speaking within this specific context.” Jason thought it over for a moment. “No, I’ll stand by it.” “How is it that the gods haven’t struck you down yet?” Carlos asked. “My working theory is that I’m too sexy.”

“I saw someone today that I first met as John Miller. She got to see Jason Asano, dimension-hopping superhero warlock ninja. It’s something I’ve done a bunch of times, but this felt different. Like I’d lost something. It used to be fun, you know? ‘Hey, I’ve died a bunch of times.’ ‘Yeah, there’s princesses everywhere and I got in a knife fight with a super god.’ Why isn’t it fun anymore?” “Because it was only fun when you were an ordinary person surrounded by ridiculousness. Now you are the ridiculousness. Ordinary people now have crazy stories about the time they met Jason Asano.” Jason turned and looked at her, not speaking for a long time. Eventually, he turned his gaze back out off the balcony. “Oh,” he said quietly.

“You’ll have to forgive my taking the chance to villain monologue,” he told her amiably. “I haven’t gone full chuuni like this in a while and it’s the little things that make life worth living, you know? So, please bear with me while I explain my evil plan. Oh, hold on. I need to set the scene.”

“Jason…” Arabelle said in a tone of long-suffering admonition. “What?” Jason asked, the image of boyish innocence. “What is this?” “What is what?” “This place?” “I have no idea. It was like this when I got here.” “Really?” “Yep. I think Gary might have set it up. Look at all that molten metal. He’s probably taking a stab at industrial smithing.” “You’re claiming Gary did this.” “Yeah, that kooky leonid. What will he get up to next?” “So, there aren’t iron sharks swimming around in that molten metal.” “Absolutely not.” “Or fire piranhas.” “I can, in all honesty, assure you that there are no piranhas of any kind.” “Lava crocodiles.” “Look, we can stand here listing off animals all day, but we’re here for a reason.”

“I’ve seen you working with Jason for years,” Sophie said to Arabelle. “I know what my mother is going through is worse, but you’ve helped Jason, and he turned out alright.” “Thank you,” Jason said brightly. “Even if he is insensitive, self-impressed, self-important and too busy being what he thinks is clever to consider how his actions hurt the people around him.” Jason opened his mouth to retort and then stopped himself. After a moment, he let her words stand and returned to the previous topic.

“There are some things you don’t do, Carlos, whatever the payoff. I could lure a few hundred people in here, break them down to their component parts and rummage through what’s left. I’d learn all I need to know about how bodies work in an afternoon, save myself all that trouble with avatars and the library. But I don’t do that. You have a bad habit of throwing ethics out the window the moment you think it can further your research, Carlos. That’s not a good look for a priest of the Healer.” “I know,” Carlos said softly. “It’s something my god and I talk about a lot.”

“I don’t suppose you could get me something to eat?” Emir asked. “I already have,” Jason told him. Emir lifted his hand to find it holding a sandwich. “I didn’t feel you put that there,” he said. “That’s a little disturbing.” “You don’t have to eat it.” “I didn’t say I wasn’t going to eat it.”

“No offence, Master Geller, but I think Mr Asano is affecting the way you think.” “Mr Ladiv,” Humphrey said, “Jason told the Builder to pack up and leave this planet—and he did. If that’s where his kind of thinking gets us, that’s exactly where I want to be.”

“And what does mercy get us?” “Mercy isn’t a means, Allayeth. It’s an end. Do you think killing these people would be some kind of justice?”

Trust but verify.

“I think that may be the first time I heard you say something good about your world,” Neil said. “Normally, you just say it’s terrible and there are flying wolves everywhere.” Jason groaned. “No, that’s not… look, Airwolf is⁠—” “Nobody cares,” Neil cut him off.

The gold-ranker’s face took on an increasingly savage sneer as Humphrey spoke, but he held his tongue. “You’ll pay for this, silver-ranker.” “Every action has a consequence,” Humphrey told him. “If you need to find me for that, my name is Humphrey Geller.” The gold-ranker paled slightly. “Geller?” “Yes.” “As in…?” “Yes. As I suggested before, if one anticipates a confrontation, it is best to learn in advance the manner of person one will be dealing with.”

Left to their own devices, Sophie sidled up to Humphrey. “That was incredibly sexy,” she whispered. “Agreed,” Clive said enthusiastically as he strolled back to the group with Belinda. “What?” Humphrey asked, wide-eyed.

The rest of you don’t have that background, and Jason somehow has the exact opposite of it. He has a knack for figuring out when he’s too important to dismiss and then swinging like a hammer in a glassworks.” “I only talked when Humphrey asked me to,” Jason complained. “Yes,” Rufus told him. “It must have been hard for you. Well done on persevering.” “I don’t just say whatever lunatic thing that pops into my… this is not convincing anyone, is it?” The rest of the team all shook their heads.

“Are you talking about the difference between weight and mass?” Jason asked. Clive turned to him with a curious expression, but before Jason could say anything, an overwhelming aura manifested. “No,” a female voice rumbled like thunder. “Oh, come on,” Jason complained to the sky. “I know this one. Kind of. More or less. Okay, fine. You’re not even saying anything and I can practically hear your raised eyebrow.” The aura vanished. “Ask Travis about it later,” Jason told Clive. “Did he ever tell you about gravity?” “Jason…” the voice rumbled, the aura returning. “Seriously?” he asked the sky, throwing his arms out. “I was just asking a question. Bloody hell, lady, don’t you have a precocious child to go inspire with a verve for learning? You’ve got to have better things to do than this.” Jason shook his head as the divine aura receded again. “Gods, am I right?” He looked around, seeing that everyone from both groups, the Yaresh convoy and the messenger servants, were all staring at him. “Oh, like you’ve never seen gods before,” Jason said loudly. “I know a bunch of you are priests; I can feel the divinity in your auras, so don’t give me those looks.” Jason wandered over to his cloud vehicle, muttering discontentedly as he did. “Bloody transcendent beings think they run the whole bloody cosmos…”

“We cannot take that guy anywhere,” Neil muttered.

“I don’t think my mum would like this,” Taika said as he gave all the people looking at them an awkward wave. “She’s pretty Christian.” “That’s one of the religions from your world?” Clive asked. “Yep. The god is kind of like the Builder, in that he’s more on a creating-the-universe level than the gods here. Also, he doesn’t like shellfish or mixed fabrics. I was never clear on why.” “Your mother didn’t tell you?” Sophie asked. “Well, there’s this book with all the rules in it, but it seemed a bit sketchy to me. Mum used to make me read it, but then I’d ask questions until she hit me with a spoon.”

“Just to be clear,” Rufus said, “you use a bunch of spirit coins to lift that skimmer under extreme load so you could sit more comfortably for the minutes it will take to get back to the city?” “More or less,” Jason said. “Wealth is ruining you.” “Yeah,” he agreed happily.

“You know there are a bunch of gold-rankers here, right?” she asked. “Why not get them to move this thing?” “To prove we don’t need them to,” Jason answered, not taking his gaze from the orb. Belinda thought about his response for a moment. “I can respect that,” she said.

“You know,” Jason said, looking over at the cloud vehicle. “I’m very happy with what House de Varco managed to do in terms of designing upgrades for the cloud flask. Maybe I should finally talk to that diamond-rank friend of Emir’s.” Rufus let out an exasperated groan so uncharacteristic that the rest of the team all turned to stare. “Please do that,” Rufus told Jason. “Emir has been complaining to me constantly about asking you to do that because she’s constantly complaining to him. Emir called my father to have him complain at me over water link.” “Not your mother?” Sophie asked. “She’s right here where he can find her.” “Emir isn’t stupid enough to do that,” Rufus said. “He’s right here where she can find him.” The others laughed at Rufus’ thousand-yard stare.

“That did not go as well as I had hoped,” Marcus said. “At least they left us our meals,” Vidal said after swallowing. “He didn’t completely shut us out.” “How so? I feel shut out.” “He left us a pretext to talk with him again.” “And what’s that?” Marcus asked. “At some point, we have to return the plates.”

“I don’t think they understand how enthusiastic I am about the chance to eat them. I’m going to go for it with gusto because you rarely let me eat normal people. Monsters are fine, don’t get me wrong, but what I’d really like to do is devour every living thing on a planet. They’re not that, but they’re a start.” Jason let out a groan. “Colin, how many times do I have to say it? No blood apocalypses.”

“I’m also glad that you’re attempting this at all. Most people would dismiss these people as traitors.” “They are traitors,” Jason said. “But that doesn’t have to be the end. If we can redeem this lot, there’s hope for all of us.”

“I’ll leave that to your judgement,” Jason told her. A shadow extended out to engulf him, and when it shrank back, he and his chair were gone. “Yes,” Arabelle said to the empty room. “Because why bother with the basic courtesy of a goodbye when there’s a dramatic exit to make.”

“The comments on a trailer for an all-female movie reboot are better than anything your people can offer. But on the bright side, she may accomplish the task you can’t seem to manage.” Marek turned to look at Jason. “What task?” “Convincing me that your entire species is worth anything more than killing on sight.”

“That doesn’t help,” Marcus said. “I’m not really tracking the analogy anymore.” “Then stand there, be quiet and look like a total bad-arse,” Jason told him. “You’re super-good at it.” “Thank you?”

“Wait,” Marcus said. “Can we go back to the part about the great astral beings⁠—” “Nope,” Jason said. “Clive, what convinced her to sign up?” “I asked her to.” “That would do it, yeah,” Jason said. “That’s it?” Marcus asked. “You just asked?” “Do they not have friends where you come from, Mr Xenoria?” Clive asked. “You think it‘s strange that I don’t have a friend who is a specialist in something no one is a specialist of, and is willing to drop everything and follow me into the bowels of the planet to an unknown and extremely dangerous situation? Just because I asked?” “Yes,” Jason and Clive said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Wow,” Marcus said. “I may need to get better friends.” “I’m sure yours are fine.” “I have a friend who won’t let me forget about the time I took his slice of pie. That was three years ago.”

“At least your friends didn’t all sleep with your imaginary wife,” Clive grumbled. “What?” Marcus asked. “It doesn’t matter,” Clive said, looking defeated.

“It was up in the air,” Farrah repeated after being released. “Are you going?” “Gods, no,” Gary said. “You may have only semi-retired, but I’ve committed. I’ll get back to fighting monsters in the next monster surge.” “You’re not going?” Jason asked him. “No, thank you,” Gary said firmly. “I’m going to stick to my smithing.” “And where is your forge?” Jason asked. “Uh, you know that, obviously,” Gary said. “It’s in…” Jason grinned as realisation struck. “…your soul space,” Gary finished limply. “Welcome aboard,” Farrah said, reaching up to slap him on the shoulder.

Rufus groaned and slapped an exasperated hand to his forehead. “You’re burning through spirit coins, you idiot,” he muttered. “You know who that is?” Jason asked. “Yes,” Rufus grumbled. “Please let my mother know that my father is about to arrive.”

Gabriel grumbled under his breath as he placed a hand on Jason’s shoulder. “Never have kids,” he told Jason. “What was that?” Arabelle asked in the tone of a gun being cocked. “Nothing, dear. Love you.”

“Mr Asano,” Shade said. Jason sighed. “You know, Shade, we’re going underground in the morning. I can’t help but wonder how long it will be until I see the sky again. There’s a lot going on down there, and what little information we have is months out of date.” “It could only be a few days,” Shade pointed out. “Get down there, trigger the device and leave.” “Do you really think it’s going to be that simple?” “Of course not, Mr Asano. But a positive outlook is more likely to achieve positive results. The anticipation of negative results can be a self-fulfilling prophecy, something I believe you understand.” “I suppose I do.”

“Jason,” Humphrey said. “I think you’ll find that perhaps your type had shifted somewhat.” “Shifted where?” Jason asked. “Upward,” Humphrey told him. “Flying women? I hope you’re not talking about messengers because while they do have more startlingly attractive people who look twenty-five than a teen drama, they are off the table on principle.” “No, Jason,” Humphrey said. “I’m saying that it’s all princesses and diamond-rankers for you these days.” “It’s not my fault they’re the only ones around. I have to flirt with someone. I’m a magical being, Humphrey; I live on raw magic and repartee, and the astral only supplies me with one of those.” “Jason, you do not live on banter.”

“This expedition being full of our people is the source of the problem,” Humphrey said. “People think you’ve been put in charge because of the important events you keep getting caught up in. They don’t think you earned your command of this expedition through adventuring.” “And they’re right,” Jason told him. “I’m a silver-ranker, Humphrey. The best silver-ranker in the world doesn’t get put in charge of gold-rankers unless there’s some extremely extenuating circumstances. And I went off to kill those elementals alone because you suggested it, but it all felt very performative. I’m not the same guy who faced off with Rick and his team in the mirage chamber way back when. I’m an adventurer to do the job, not to show off.” Jason’s teammates shared a glance, even Clive dropping his attention from driving to crane his neck around. “What?” Jason asked. A coughing sound came from Jason’s shadow. “Is everything alright, Shade?” Jason asked. “Of course, Mr Asano. I just had something caught in my throat.” “Shade, you don’t have a throat.”

Jason floated in the air, watching in awe. “Holy crap, that looked awesome.” “Jason!” Humphrey scolded again. “Sorry.”

Neil opened a voice channel to Rick Geller. “Rick, I know your team already has a healer, but would you be open to recruiting a second?” “Are you seriously contacting me to CRACK A DAMN JOKE right now?” Rick roared back. “Sorry,” Neil said contritely and closed the channel. “Can we please demonstrate at least a little discipline?” Humphrey growled. “Sorry, Dad,” Belinda said meekly. “Belinda…” Humphrey admonished. “Are we not meant to call you Daddy?” she asked. “Because Sophie said⁠—” “LINDY!” Humphrey bellowed, not through voice chat but out loud, audible even amongst the pounding of explosions and the sizzling zap of spells going off.

“How do I have a headache?” he asked wearily. “My head doesn’t have any of the things that can give you a headache in it.” “It’s possibly psychosomatic,” Shade suggested. “Would you like me to do your beard as well?” “You should, bro,” Taika said. “It’s bad?” Jason asked. “It’s basically a soul patch, plus a line running along your jaw. You look like an old child actor that hasn’t gotten acting work since the nineties, was on drugs for a while but kicked it about ten years ago and is now super wholesome and in a Christian rock group.” “That sounds extremely specific,” Jason said. “Just a generalisation, bro. It would be weird if there wasn’t someone like that.” “I’ll take your word for it.

Jason sensed some nervousness in Taika’s aura. “You’re uncertain about continuing on?” Taika nodded. “It’s starting to feel like one of those movies where the expedition to do the important thing starts shedding people until the last, desperate survivors finally succeed at the cost of their own lives. Are we stealing the Death Star plans, bro?” “I don’t know, Taika. If you want to go back, I won’t judge.” “Nah, bro. I’m in it as long as everyone else is.

“I know,” Jason assured him. “Back to Earth, where you can take care of your mum. Don’t worry, brother; I’ll get you there or die trying. Or both. Probably both.”

Jason narrowed his eyes, peering at them thoughtfully for a moment, then grinned. “What?” Belinda asked him. “I think Danielle is looking forward to grandkids,” Jason said.

“That will stop them from regenerating too fast,” she said. “Bro,” Taika said to Rufus. “Your mum is kind of hardcore.” Jason nudged Gary on the arm. “You knew she could do this stuff, right?” Jason asked. “Yep,” Gary said. “Then how am I the guy with the evil powers?” “She’s prettier than you.” “Thank you, Gareth,” Arabelle said. “That’s very sweet of you.” “Gary,” Rufus said through gritted teeth. “That’s my mother.”

“Yeah,” Jason said, “but it doesn’t matter whose mother she is, or how prettily her dark chocolate hair tumbles down over her shoulders; that is a classic evil power right there.” Rufus glared at Jason. “Dark chocolate hair?” he growled. He was about to continue when Humphrey placed a commiserating hand on his shoulder. “Don’t,” Humphrey said in a hollow, trembling voice. “Engaging only makes it worse. It doesn’t stop them, it doesn’t help. Nothing helps.”