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This is why so many Fallback Girls try to ‘win’ their guy by trying to love, adapt, morph, shift, fix, heal and help their way to the relationship they want.
Just because it’s all he’s capable of doesn’t mean it’s enough for you, and just because he gives what he’s capable of doesn’t make him great.
As he’s a solo thinker that believes that he can take care of himself and that everyone is out for themselves, he assumes you’ll take care of yourself also
Perceiving any show of emotion that they don’t like as dramatic.
Having little faith in people so carrying trust issues into every relationship.
He’ll talk about how he has a ‘mess’ to fix. He’ll say he’s afraid of getting close to people. He may tell you that he sabotages his relationships.
He’ll tell you he drinks (or whatever) a lot to numb the pain.
You pursue because him pulling away triggers your flight or fight reflex and you’re too scared to walk away, so you fight for it instead, even if there’s not much to fight for.
You pursue because you believe that something you’ve said or done has triggered his pulling away, and to make things ‘right’, but instead show him that you don’t care enough about yourself. You pursue because you’re focused on the initial great behaviour rather than the reality of the majority of his behaviour. You believe the beginning is an indicator of the end.
You pursue because you’re heavily emotionally invested, even though there’s very little substance, because you want to justify your investment.
But most of all, you pursue him because you want to demonstrate that you’re the ‘right’ girl for him so that he can validate you and you can avoid rejection. You can just about cope with the ‘small’ rejections caused by each withdrawal but if you don’t win back some attention from him that would be total rejection.
More often than not, it becomes: I’ll love him unconditionally —> I’ll be there, stick to him like glue, accept boundary-busting behaviour ---> He’ll love me back unconditionally and because I turn a blind eye to his behaviour, he’ll turn a blind eye to my so-called flaws —> He doesn’t love me back unconditionally —> What’s wrong with me that someone so flawed, who has the option to behave as they like and still be loved, doesn’t love me? —> I must be a very unloveable person if I can’t even be loved by someone like that.
Your self-love is easily dented yet it takes a lot for you to shift how you feel about someone that you’re involved with. If you don’t love yourself first, you’ll look for people, things, and even substances to create feelings in you and do things that you should be doing for yourself and/or who have not shown themselves capable or willing.
Low self-esteem means you find it so much easier to focus on others as you don’t think you’re worthy of your own time and energy.
All men cheat. You assume you’re moments away from being screwed over while gravitating to men that reflect this mentality. This doesn’t mean all men cheat - it means the type of guy you’re attracted to cheats.
Everyone abandons me eventually. By forecasting their exits, no-one gets too close plus you’ll try to avoid conflict for fear of abandonment. You’ll either be with flaky men or sabotage relationships. There’s something unloveable about me. Believing you’re fatally flawed, you tend to try to get love from the worst of people. When they don’t, it confirms your beliefs.
He was communicative and demonstrative ... but only when expressing negativity.
He may have actually been a great provider but didn’t provide emotionally. He may have played you off your siblings or even your mother.
The healthy things that we should seek from our partners and relationships, are what we should ideally have had, albeit in a father/daughter dynamic. If you don't have a reasonably healthy relationship with your father to draw upon, you will be: Afraid of men leaving or withdrawing. Chasing similar partners. Trying to right the wrongs of the past. Trying to gain the validation that you failed to get from your father. Clinging to an image of the father that you'd like but didn't get and then projecting it onto your partners and tying them and yourself up in unrealistic expectations.
Good girls, from stable homes. Both parents still together, happily married for a gazillion years, loves Mr Unavailable - why? Their marriage is the stable future you want eventually but for now you need ‘excitement’. Of course you get hurt which can put you into an extended spin cycle. Women who date men who are highly educated, high achievers, but still Mr Unavailable. Some Fallback Girls prioritise the power they feel that their father didn’t have or exhibit. For example if the mother was the breadwinner and especially if your father lorded it up in spite of not contributing. You’ll be
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You mustn’t rely on men because they let you down and hurt you
If you were heartbroken and unable to understand why it happened, not only will you blame yourself, you’ll stop trusting, and will have reservations about your own judgment, especially if you feel like you really let down your guard.
Every time you enter into a relationship with unresolved hurt from previous relationships, you hinder your chances of success.
One of the biggest reasons why casual relationships are so prevalent is that men and women keep using one another to get over previous relationships. We’re not taking the time out to grieve the loss of the relationship so that we can heal and move on; instead we take refuge with new partners who are basically ‘rebounds’ that get used as emotional airbags to soften the blow of the fall from previous relationships. As a result of trying to have our cake and eat it too, we perpetuate the cycle of unavailability by yet again avoiding our feelings.
Too receptive to bullshit and operating an open door policy, by having little or no boundaries and being quick to get carried away with the possibilities of what his ‘boomeranging’ means, you focus on his returning instead of his leaving or what the nature of his absence was. In a number of respects, you have the hallmarks of the Other Woman but instead of being a lady-in-waiting to one attached man, you’re a lady-in-waiting to your past.
There’s lies, omission, manipulation, and for ongoing affairs, an element of being a confidence trickster. The advantage gained is having two relationships and the trappings that come with each without being committed to either.
Most Fallback Girls suffer with Women Who Give Too Much syndrome, a.k.a. being an Overgiver. With an excessive propensity to give because you believe it’s the only way to win people over, you’re desperate for love, desperate for a companion, and co-dependent. Bulldozed by your feelings and desire to be in a relationship, you lose sight of yourself, and tend to think you’re ‘giving’ as it’s what’s best for the ‘relationship’. Just as others compensate for weaker areas of the relationship with finances and sex, you make up for the excessive shortfall with excessive giving.
Don’t substitute taking an active role in your relationship and being emotionally available with doing stuff like cooking, cleaning, etc., because they’re not one and the same thing.
“But nobody’s perfect! We all have baggage!” True but not all baggage is conducive to a relationship. Don’t continue to bullshit yourself. You overempathise and reason that you’re not perfect and have baggage so it’s harsh to judge him for the same thing. Deal with your feelings about your so-called ‘imperfections’ instead of marking yourself down and deciding that you’re only deserving of a demi-relationship. This isn’t a ‘perfection’ and ‘baggage’ issue; it’s a willingness and mentality issue.
You’re too adaptable. Some people run from unfinished business but not you. Eager to be the next person he commits to, you adapt the crap out of yourself. To admit you’ve made a mistake and that it’s time to ‘fold’ is to admit you’ve sold yourself short and lost sight of you. Eventually you’ll recognise that you’ve been contorting yourself while he’s maintained his position.
You only feel like an entity in a couple. You don’t know how to meet your own needs and validate yourself plus you make men your focal point and source ...
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Get over your ex on your own time. The sooner you grieve the loss and the hurt, the sooner you kick the Mr Unavailable habit.
Renovators can pretty much date any Mr Unavailable or even a decent, available guy and try to fix and make him over, but you tend to be with Opportunists, guys who get involved because you serve the purpose of being useful. On the take, they have little or no regard for your feelings, and because of your renovating ways, they see it as their right to exploit the situation.
Good Girl Gone Bad – A real co-dependent, you can easily throw away your values in the name of love and will actually join him in his problems. Next thing you’re drinking, taking drugs, etc. because you believe that you’ll have his full attention if you can share in his problems and it might just numb the pain you already feel. Often he ends up leaving you with more than a broken heart.
The Flogger, the Fallback Girl most likely to talk about what you’ve invested and sacrificed. Unwilling to fold, you’ll see even the worst of commitments through to the bitter end. Often regarded as loyal, kind, a good listener, and undemanding, the same people will wonder why you’re not happier/settled down/or are with him. You likely met when you were young and not wise to the shenanigans of Mr Unavailables, or after being hurt, you latched on to what you thought were more commitment ready signs. Often obsessed with things being ‘right’, you still don’t leave when it’s wrong. As the bigger
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He actually believes that he’s entitled to have a woman at his side to put up with his crap and don’t be surprised if he’s a mother’s boy and/or a charming ladies’ man.
You don’t share the same core values.
Typical Flogger Base your life around him.
Think that you’re an all-round great catch and don’t see yourself in the same light as what you perceive as more ‘difficult’ women. Indecisive and non-committal about the simple and difficult. Consider yourself to be a great listener. Mastered the art of hiding your true feelings. Have lots of plans that you never follow through with.
Lost in his problems. Despite doing most or even all the talking, it’s rarely about you. Always trying to do the right thing. Scared of being perceived as not trying.
Consider them to be investments that you can’t walk away from unless something ‘really bad’ happens. Secret trust issues. Never or rarely listen to your own judgement. Feel weak because you ‘can’t’ leave / keep letting him back in.
Hardened by a bad breakup that may be from a long time ago.
May have a ‘reputation’ around town
Major Dripfeeder. You can be assured that you’re never getting the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
The Coaster - Mr “We’re [I’m] fine as we are”, he likes the stability and you may have been together since your teens or twenties. If he could pull off an entire ‘5 relationship’, he would. While he may love you, he’s not really stretching himself and he’s passing time and coasting. He’s ‘topped out’ and may even be quietly rolling things back. Treating you like an old pair of slippers, he takes you for granted. When you feel the disconnect and try to progress things or clarify his feelings, he Future Fakes and then backtracks, or just shuts down. Ambivalent and wanting the best of both
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The Loner - He has urges for the fringe benefits of a relationship but all without letting you in or changing his life in any way.
Flogging equals working at your relationship. Many of us have been raised to believe that ‘love’ is sticking through thick and thin … trying to love them into changing. There’s a cynicism that everyone eventually ends up miserable and that “nobody is perfect”. While the latter’s true, plenty of people navigate the rough and the smooth and ultimately have mutually fulfilling relationships. It’s not about forcing yourself to be happy with things that leave you hungry and hurt in the relationship.
Fear of making mistakes. Flogging feels like less of a mistake than admitting that it’s not worked out. It may
feel reflective of your worth, but whatever it is, admitting that you’ve got ‘this’ or ‘him’ wrong terrifies you, especially because you’ve stuck around for so long. Admitting that ‘this one’ isn’t going to work either will sting, if you have unresolved hurt from prior relationships. You may even hope he does something so awful, it makes the decision for you, or you pray someone will sweep you and your problems away.
Being loyal is a wonderful quality but it isn’t rewarded when you’re undervalued.
