Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl

by Natalie Lue

Afraid of leaving. Between thinking that his behaviour is down to some error on your part, fearing that you haven’t given it your all, fearing not having the purpose of fighting for the relationship and being left with yourself for company, and fear that if you do leave, you’ll have to fix another man, or that even worse, your current man will be a better man in a better relationship elsewhere, there’s a lot of negative reasons to stay. But if you’re going to stay, make it a positive decision. Remaining because you’re afraid of leaving is like imprisoning yourself in a relationship that you know isn’t working.

Characterised by short dalliances, long spells of singledom or very ambiguous ‘arrangements’ that can run into double-digit years, Miss Independent/Miss Self-Sufficient (MIMS) is resolutely single but “open” to dating. The most ‘similar’ to Mr Unavailable in habits, you also often overvalue your qualities and characteristics.

MIMS is also a floating role - when you do end up in a ‘relationship’, it tends to be as the Other Woman or The Buffer, and you share similarities with The Renovator.

Overvalue certain attributes - looks, intelligence, money, status, etc. May be cynical and jaded.

May spend a lot of time on dating sites. Secretly cry a lot. High achiever/workaholic. Financially independent. Likely to overvalue sex

Secretly yearn to be a mother or housewife. Want it ‘all’ but don’t know how. Get caught up in fantasy relationships, especially with online guys. Secretly never got over one guy.

The Guard - Highly defensive, you’re protecting your walls from being ‘breached’ and experiencing attraction can make you more aloof or even difficult. Waiting for the ‘catch’, you’re very distrusting.

Miss Keeping It Casual - While the Yo-Yo Girl version keeps it casual to get over someone, you avoid attachments claiming a lack of time or interest in one. You appear to want the fringe benefits without commitment but are actually too scared to risk from the outset. While you may not voice that your feelings have changed, it’s often unconsciously reflected in your behaviour plus you experience anxiety about what’s going on in his head while pretending you don’t care. If he reminds you that it’s ‘casual’, feeling upset will catch you off guard plus you may end up erupting if he calls things off or claims he’s in love with someone else. Afterwards you’ll berate yourself and be convinced you scared him off, even though he was never going to stay.

Shaggers - Claiming to be embracing your sexuality, sex with strangers on and offline and getting frisky quickly with dates are on the agenda. You often initiate casual arrangements, but when you start having ‘relationship needs’ or believing he’s The One, you’ll both be caught off guard.

you’re actually just collecting attention. You love the newness, feeling desirable, and being kept busy but you’re not actually genuinely looking to commit. It seems like fun and a means of trying people out, but in truth, you need the validation. By keeping up a steady stream of attention, it’s a distraction from the bigger issues you’re avoiding.

Having played it cool for a long time, you’ve taken to haranguing him periodically (or even ending it) about being with you ‘properly’ even though he’s repeatedly made it clear that he doesn’t want to. Likely reasoning that this must be ‘all you want’, he enables you to remain in your ‘comfort’ zone.

Create your life on your terms and ensure that you’re living the life that you want to lead. Many MIMS are being the person who they think ‘everyone’ expects them to be. You may be successful or liked but if you don’t like you or your life, it’s pointless.

Do have the DTR (Defining the relationship) talk. Don't be an eager beaver and do it too quickly, but by the 3-6 month mark, know where you are.

Spell out your needs

Stop worrying about him, worry about you.

If you're not being yourself, start now. You don't want to wake up one day and discover that not only do you not know who you are, but that you don't like yourself either. If you have to compromise the fundamental you in order to have a love life, something is very wrong.

Mr Unavailable was Mr Unavailable before you met him, when you were with him, and he’s highly likely to stay that way long after you’ve gone. You didn’t do something to trigger his distance; you can’t win! If you’d played it cool and been uninterested, he’d have chased you down. If you’d thrown yourself at him, he’d have run away. You can’t change him and I want you to stop blaming yourself for crap behaviour from the waifs and strays of the dating world and I want you to start living like someone who deserves to be here, that loves herself, and has positive love to give that is reflected from the great person within.