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August 5 - August 8, 2024
When we set boundaries that interrupt a child’s intention to connect with us, it’s helpful to provide another avenue for connection. If they attempt to connect with you in a physical way that is a mismatch with your boundaries, then try to offer a physical avenue that’s a good match. For example: I won’t let you climb on my body. Would you like to sit in my lap to read a book?
As frustrating as it feels when we don’t do the right thing from the start, this is actually a great teaching moment. We get to model for children how to make mistakes and what to do next. Children will never have all the answers or move through the world perfectly—and neither will we.
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”
The most significant indicator that it’s a good time to talk about the behavior is that the child feels calm; your nervous system is disarmed and so is the child’s.
“I love you always, even when you make mistakes or have a hard time.”
We can’t say to children that they are allowed to make mistakes but then hold ourselves to a binary standard of perfection or failure. You aren’t failing if they make mistakes. You aren’t failing if you make mistakes.
Attention-seeking behavior is connection-seeking behavior.
“Are you trying to get my attention?” To which they would usually nod yes. “I want to pay attention to you when you need it. Here are some of the ways you can get my attention:
When determining an imposed consequence, make sure it’s something that you’d be okay with and/or able to follow through on.
Also, if you feel a hint of revenge or find yourself trying to think of a consequence that would make the biggest impact, you may actually be seeking a punishment.
If so, practice some responsive self-care to regulate your nervous system before you make that determination.
We often catch kiddos when they are doing something that is undesirable, but what if you acknowledge them when they are exhibiting pro-social behaviors?
Set yourself a goal of acknowledging one small moment in the morning and one small moment in the afternoon when you notice something they’re doing.
When we see that children aren’t giving us a hard time, but that they’re having a hard time, we can respond with compassion, curiosity, and connection.
We’d rather give them the respect of communicating what’s coming next even if we aren’t sure how much they understand. Talking to them and communicating with them helps build the skills to understand and communicate back to us.
We don’t use timers as threats. Louder for the people in the back: We don’t use timers as threats.
You can validate the feeling even if you don’t understand that feeling.
it’s possible you associate the expression of sadness or anger with shame and seek to “protect” a child from shame by trying to prevent them from expressing these feelings. When there are other kids around, this urge might be stronger than when it’s just the two of you. Maybe you fear that the other children will be confused or scared when one child expresses big emotions. Or perhaps you learned that it’s polite to mind your own business and not to burden anyone with your own concerns.
When we act on the urge to send other children away from one child’s big emotions, especially if our survival brain is in the driver’s seat, we send the message that emotions are meant to be handled in isolation. We send the message that they are not to be curious about other people’s emotions. We send the message that big expression is shameful and/or scary and separate from “what we are doing.” When instead we say to the curious or concerned child, “Yes, you’re welcome here, too,” we send the message that it’s normal to express emotions, that we can choose to be a peaceful witness of
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Even if the children are dysregulated in an excited way, it’s a good time to allow the feeling of excitement and then move through the phases, including coping strategies. Excitement is often perceived as a “good” emotion, something you want to be feeling, but for some people, this feeling is dysregulating or overwhelming in some way and they need help to experience it.
The feeling of is there enough of me to go around and constantly triaging who needs me more is so real. It’s okay not to have the capacity to respond to every child 1:1 in every moment.
Sometimes this season might look like you feeding a newborn while reading a toddler a book or a child watching Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood while you help an older sibling with their homework. Children will practice being bored, learning patience, building new skills for independence, and knowing that you will return to help them. It’s okay if it isn’t immediate or on the timeline they’d like it to be on. You aren’t failing if it feels hard. Raising children is hard.
Some children’s nervous systems react by going into fight mode (hitting, kicking, yelling, biting) while others flee (running away), fawn (apologize or people-please immediately), or freeze (disconnect, go quiet, and maybe even seem regulated when they are not). If a child who freezes is uncertain about their rights to the toy or how to get help, they might distract themselves quickly in order to avoid feeling uncomfortable. They might look perfectly fine, not complain, or get involved with something else.
When a child is pulling at their shirt and saying, “It’s scratchy. I don’t like it. I want a different shirt,” we can practice perspective taking by believing that their experience is true. “That shirt feels uncomfortable for you, and you want to change it.” It’s not my job to convince them that the shirt is perfectly comfortable and remind them that they’ve worn it before. It’s my job to step outside myself and be a witness to their experience.
The most powerful way to teach empathy is to model it.
Empathy is saying, “I get what that feels like.” Compassion is saying, “I’ll sit here with you while you’re feeling it.” Compassion builds on empathy as an action one person takes to help another person tolerate the discomforts of life. Sometimes it’s holding space and allowing the hard feeling, which might feel like doing nothing.
Rather than attempting to save them from all the hard stuff while they’re under our care and then sending them off into the wild without tools for resilience, we build these tools together. We build the skills to tolerate and get through life’s challenges collaboratively, and it starts with us modeling them for and with them.
When we learn how to give ourselves compassion, it becomes easier to extend that to others.
No matter what comes their way in life, we want kids to have at least one person they can break down to, one person whose feelings they don’t feel responsible for. Your relationship with them is different than a peer relationship. It’s the foundation with which they will feel safe and secure in the world.
There is a difference between communicating to a child that they caused your feelings and communicating your feelings.
Communicating your feelings is different than making your child feel like he or she caused your feelings. Consider these statements: “It makes me happy when you clean up your toys”; “It makes me sad when you hit.” Phrases like these give tiny humans power over our feelings. What a big responsibility that is. What’s your goal here? Is it to get them to clean up their toys? Let’s try, “Thanks for cleaning up your toys. It’s comfortable to walk through the house without stepping on them.”
Myth 1: Lack of empathy is why children hurt other children. Instead, it’s underdeveloped executive function skills, emotion processing skills, and/or communication skills.
Requiring an apology before a child actually feels regret will teach them to lie rather than to experience empathy.
Normalize and welcome the feelings through your words and actions. Use visual aids to talk about the transition/change. Invite curiosity and allow questions, even uncomfortable ones. Plan for everything to take longer than usual. Pre-teach and tell stories and examples prior to the transition/change.
You can and should tell them about a big change up to two weeks in advance, but it will not be fair to expect that talking about it will help infants and young toddlers understand the transition or make it easier for any of you while it’s happening.
Expect things to be different during the transition period. The following are some details: Plan for everything to take longer than it usually does. Plan for big emotions to happen more often than usual. Eating, sleeping, and toileting are the three things children can control. Expect that at least one of these routines will be different. It’s normal to feel frustrated when this happens—allow and validate that for yourself.
Even if children are offered times to recharge their battery throughout the day, they can come home feeling depleted, especially during a transition time to a new school, classroom, or caregiver. Kids will often “let go” of all they are holding on to once they get home, in what’s called “restraint collapse.”
Take a moment to connect without distraction. Each child seeks connection differently and they rarely say, “I’d like to connect.” Instead, they might say, “Watch this” or “Play with me.” They might throw a ball, climb on your body, ask for a snuggle, hit a sibling, or whine or cry.
talk about how they were feeling while they were at school. Recognize and acknowledge those feelings.
Allow them time to unwind through play. Having a routine of uninterrupted time to play helps a child recharge from a busy day and brings them some autonomy. You might also notice them processing experiences from the day through their play.
For children who are in school five days a week, the transition period is generally about two weeks.
You have an opportunity to show and tell them that there is nothing they could do to make you love them less or more. They are loved for who they are, even as the family grows.
Include the older sibling. When a new sibling joins the family, the other child(ren) might wonder what their role is now. You can help them feel included and loved by bringing them into the new daily routines. Some ways to include an older sibling are reading a book to their younger sibling, feeding the baby a bottle, getting a diaper and wipes when it’s time to change the baby, humming or singing to their sibling, and narrating what the younger sibling is doing. You can model these behaviors and tell the big kid why you’re doing them. “Ohhh, your sister is learning how to move her body to try
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Use accurate information and vocabulary when you share information about the reasons someone is dying or has died.
In any case, in general, avoid saying someone died because they were “sick.” This is not specific enough and may cause a child to worry that the next time they are “sick” with a stomach bug, for instance, they will die, too. Same with using the phrase “They went to sleep” to explain death. This may cause the child to worry that the next time they go to sleep, they might die, too.
Start with what the child knows—what do they understand about death and dying? “Do you know what happens when somebody dies?” [Pause.] Maybe they don’t respond or maybe they do. “When someone dies, their body stops working.” [Put your hand on your heart.] “Their heart is not beating anymore.” [Put your hand by your mouth.] “They are not breathing anymore. They don’t eat or sleep or play or go to the bathroom. The really hard part is that when someone dies, we don’t see their body anymore. That’s why you might see people crying or feeling sad.”
“Each family has beliefs about what happens when someone dies. I wonder what your family believes?” If you want your child to know that other people’s beliefs might be different, you can let them know that, too.
If your family is agnostic about death, then you could invite your child to imagine what happens. When my four-year-old cousin asked me, “Where do people come from?” I started to explain that babies grow inside someone’s belly. She interrupted me, “No, like where did the first person come from?” I decided to ask her what she thought, and she replied, “I’m thinking they came from the ocean,” and she went back to playing. Sometimes you don’t have to know the answer.
If you are looking ahead at a milestone, such as recognizing when their body is dysregulated, you can start with a ministone, such as noticing when someone else is dysregulated.
When you can get a break, some time to breathe, and focus on yourself as an individual, children can learn the value of taking space and taking care of oneself. You can also have the head space to be a more regulated version of yourself when you do this.
