Tiny Humans, Big Emotions: How to Navigate Tantrums, Meltdowns, and Defiance to Raise Emotionally Intelligent Children

by Alyssa Blask Campbell

So when I really pause to consider what I want for my child, for your child, and for the children all around us, I want them to have the tools to navigate and process the inevitable hard stuff so they’re able to live a life that feels connected, compassionate, and curious. I want them to understand their emotions and develop the skills and know-how to navigate their feelings in a healthy and secure way. In other words, I want them to be emotionally intelligent.

Attachment is specific to the relationship between a child and their primary caregiver(s).3 This relationship is different from, but serves as the foundation for, other relationships, such as those with peers, siblings, and future partners.

Attachment is rooted in safety—a human child is dependent on a caregiver for survival and that means being lovable so someone will be there to care for you. In each interaction, children are unknowingly asking, “Am I lovable? When? Am I safe? How do I stay/get safe?” They are constantly researching, through trial and error, noticing our reactions and adjusting their behavior accordingly. Over time, these patterns of interaction and adjustment form an attachment style:

Secure attachment. In a secure attachment, a child feels safe, seen, secure, and soothed. The caregiver is emotionally available for the child’s experiences. Secure attachment relationships include rupture (mistakes, challenges, disconnections) and repair. (Remember, this does not require perfection on the part of the caregiver. More on this later.) In a secure attachment relationship, the adult takes responsibility for their own regulation.

As Tina Payne Bryson, author of The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired, shares, “One of the reasons I love attachment science is that the research indicates that there is quite a bit of room for parents to be flawed and that we can make a lot of mistakes, but as long as we help our kids feel safe, seen, and soothed most of the time, their brains wire to securely know that if they have a need, we will see it and show up for them. And when we do that predictably (not perfectly), they learn how to find friends and mates who will show up for them (they come to expect it!), and they learn how to show up for themselves.”

These are the three questions that guide me when I feel like I’m falling into the comparison rut: What’s my long-term goal for this child? What’s my goal for our relationship? Am I modeling the values I want them to inherit?

We’ve all been there—a draining morning with big emotions from all the tiny humans, a domino effect of meltdowns going from one human to another, or an extraordinarily stressful start to the workday. When this happens, it helps to take a brain break. Brain breaks are when we reduce the stimuli around us—decreasing light, sound, and touch. This gives our nervous system a break from scanning the environment to try and keep us safe. This could be lying in a dark room, looking up at the sky, taking a bath, closing your eyes and breathing, turning down the lights and turning off background noise such as music or a TV, playing a whisper game with kids, or humming as you rock a child to sleep.

You don’t have to carve out time for proprioceptive input, but instead you can build those moments with a child into your day. “I wonder how many frog jumps it will take to get from here to the door to go outside.” “Oh no! The floor is hot lava. How can we get to the kitchen?” “Let’s put on your favorite song. I wonder if we can clean up the toys before it ends. Ready, set, go!”

Triangle of Growth

Imagine you are angry at your partner, your heart is pumping fast, fists tight, shoulders are up to your ears, voice shaky and snappy. My friend calls this her vortex, where she doesn’t feel in control of the words coming out of her mouth, but her body takes over and tries to suck the other person down with her. When she is able to take space and calm the physical reaction, it allows her to acknowledge the emotion, put words to her feelings, and navigate conversation with the other party involved. It doesn’t take away the anger, but it brings her brain back in control when her body had previously been in the driver’s seat.

focused on the Triangle of Growth. Sensory systems first. “I won’t let you hit me.” I held her hands as I continued, “Oh man, you were working so hard on that castle, and it crashed. That’s so frustrating.” [Pause.] “Let’s do ten big jumps!” She grabbed my hands and we jumped together, counting each one as we went. By the end of jumping, she was no longer crying. She was moving from her body to her brain. “It’s so frustrating when you’re working hard on something, and it gets ruined. You can take your time to feel frustrated. I’m here if you want to snuggle or read a book.” [Pause.] She looked at me, went and grabbed a book, and came back to my lap. We read together and I felt her physically exhale as her body was curled up in mine. “Would you like to try building again or are you feeling all done with Magna-Tiles for now?” She signed “All done” and went off to the play kitchen.

Learning happens when someone is emotionally engaged in a safe way and/or when they are calm.2 This is when they can best activate their rational thinking brain (prefrontal cortex). Learning does not happen while their survival brain (amygdala) is in the driver’s seat and they are experiencing a fight/flight/freeze/fawn response.

When children do not feel safe, their amygdala is activated, and they instinctually prioritize protecting themselves over learning or using their rational thinking to motivate their behavior. In these moments we need to soothe. We can teach later. When people feel safe, their rational thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) is accessible, and they are ready to learn. They can take in new ideas, hear feedback, reflect, and problem-solve. This is a great time to teach.

Phase 1: Allowing one’s emotions to exist This first step—allowing one’s emotions to exist and to be seen—is also the first phase of emotion processing. It is easy to mistake a self-regulated or emotionally regulated person for someone who has processed emotions. Likewise, someone who has suppressed their emotions can be easily mistaken as self-regulated or emotionally regulated. Just because you’re regulated doesn’t mean you’ve processed emotions. Emotion processing is one’s ability to experience and integrate emotions.

Five Phases of Emotion Processing Allowing one’s emotions to exist Do I resist the urge to distract or suppress? Recognizing the perceived emotion: associating symbols with feelings

Do I associate words (happy, sad, disappointed, etc.) with my feelings or physiological responses to situations, and use them (spoken or in sign language)? Feeling secure in experiencing a range of emotions over time Do I experience a full range of emotions? Do I recognize each emotion as temporary and one of many possible emotions that I will feel over time? Seeking support through coping strategies Where do I land on the spectrum of mechanisms versus strategies? Moving on: solving the problem or letting it go Do I go back to try again? Do I engage in a new experience?

What is happening inside your body in response? Where do you feel it? What is the quality of your thoughts? Once we have a toolbox for recognizing what’s happening inside and what we are feeling, then we can observe the habits and patterns we have in place and decide if they are serving us. When we know how to do this for ourselves, we can teach children to notice these signs, too. Jaxson was hitting and kicking a lot at school. To support Jaxson in developing new tools for expressing his emotions, we began by helping him notice what was happening in his body before the explosion. “Your shoulders are up to your ears! Your fists are so tight! Your voice is loud! You sound frustrated!” Then we would pop in and help his body feel safe in order to calm before diving into next steps (we will explain these steps in greater detail in Part II).

This is an example of interoception, which is one of the body’s eight sensory systems. It’s a key one for emotions in that it helps us build self-awareness. When I say, “I have butterflies in my stomach,” you might know that feeling and understand that I’m feeling nervous or excited. What if we could identify what’s happening inside our bodies for more emotions? What if we knew what disappointment or embarrassment felt like? How rad would it be to notice sadness or anger before it became all-consuming?

Emotions are temporary, so with practice, we can grow more comfortable, or at least less uncomfortable, for long enough to explore the moments that bring them up, the way we construct them, and what we do with them.

No matter which feelings are your seaweed and fish, many of us unconsciously try to escape uncomfortable feelings and avoid paying attention to them. For better or worse, when we avoid them, it doesn’t make them go away; it just makes them go unaddressed.

Mindfulness is . . . Mindfulness is not . . . Noticing your feelings when they come up. Expressing your feelings to the child as they come up. Noticing if you judge the feeling as good or bad. Trying to not have the feeling because you don’t think you should be having it.

Allowing yourself to have the feeling even if you judged it. Blaming someone else for “making” you feel this way. Noticing any physiological manifestation of the feeling (increased heart rate, tension or tightening, impulse to hide or leave). Feeling serene. Focusing your attention on your breath. Holding your breath. Noticing when/if the feeling dissipates. Holding on to the feeling in order to justify an action.

our job is to demonstrate that we aren’t afraid of children’s feelings; we can handle them, instilling the self-confidence that they can, too.

Children learn how to be in relationships from the ones they observe.

Proactive: Life is emotionally demanding, so planning ahead to address your self-care needs on a weekly and/or daily basis is crucial to preventing burnout or overwhelm. In Chapter 3, we listed five ways to proactively recharge the nervous system before the red battery light comes on—these were examples of proactive self-care! Responsive: What helps to calm you down when your amygdala is activated? The most accessible responsive strategy is breathing intentionally. It is physiologically impossible for your sympathetic nervous system to be active at the same time that you are belly breathing (directing your breath into your belly so your belly, rather than your chest, moves in and out with your inhale and exhale). Supplemental: These are special occasions that fill your emotional cup, such as a retreat or vacation. They can also be something simple, such as cleaning out your closets and drawers or turning off your device for a certain amount of time. They need to fit your annual rather than weekly budget because they happen much less frequently than proactive and responsive strategies.

What was draining my battery from the minute I woke up? What was in my control? What wasn’t?

Coping Strategies Toolbox Movement arts* (practicing, not performing: yoga, dance, hooping) Meditative exercise* (walking, long-distance running, swimming) Muscular exercise* (lifting, group classes) Therapy Counseling Walking or hiking in the woods* Meditation/prayer Writing arts expression Visual arts expression Musical expression Reading Cooking Sewing Breath work Belly breathing Looking at the sky Stepping outside Spiritual practice Alone time Screen-free time

Mechanisms are unconscious habits. They are things that you use to pacify yourself during big emotions or to avoid them altogether. Caution: It is possible to overuse toolbox strategies so that they become mechanisms.

Coping Mechanisms Shopping Texting mindlessly Having a drink or using a substance Working extra Exercising excessively Planning excessively Cleaning or organizing compulsively Playing video games