Anita de Monte Laughs Last

by Xóchitl González

But in the times after—and it felt like so many times—she found that her arousal lay more in his desire for her and her ability to make him achieve pleasure than in that of her own.

It can feel so important to matter to someone. To just know there is someone who cares where your physical person is on this giant, wretched earth.

To matter to another human being is the basis of having a life.

She wondered if perhaps the difference between youth and middle age was not simply having gray hair or stubble but wearing the pretense of having it together.

You elevate the position of others by allowing them to use your back as a step, but then are blind to people around you who see your worth. You feel lonely because you have blinders on, not because you are unloved.”

Eventually, she would lie there and remember there was more to her life than Nick. That missing was normal, that missing was part of the process. That missing, as her mother had reminded her, did not mean mistake.