The Eye of the Bedlam Bride (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #6)

by Matt Dinniman

Hi, everyone! Thank you so much for signing up for the Princess Posse fanclub newsletter! This is the only OFFICIAL fanclub. I heard rumors of another group called the Donut Holes, and while I appreciate their enthusiasm, this is the ONLY place to get THIS newsletter. I absolutely DO NOT approve of the name Donut Holes. Anyway!

I suppose now that she’s in love with Daniel Bautista he’d have to come with her. That would be okay, too, even if he looks like a generic brand Tony the Tiger.

The Ascendency battles didn’t start until the crawlers reached the twelfth floor or they were zeroed out,

Less than 200 crawlers had survived the Faction Wars chaos, which was usual.

Florin: I am in Ecuador.

You’re living inside of a memory. In most cases, you will not be able to interact with mobile biological entities within the replay. They will not appear on your map. Think of them like intangible ghosts.

Note. Anything you loot on this level that comes from the earth memory will turn to dust upon the collapse of this level. You will not be arming yourselves with the content of your local military base for use on the ninth floor. I groaned. That was exactly what I’d been thinking.

Your area is seeded with mobs and bosses and legendary creatures that are exclusive to the folklore of the region in which you inhabit. For example, those of you in Romania will be dealing with vampires and werewolves. Those of you in Ireland will have leprechauns and banshees. Those of you in Japan are just plain fucked.

If it is a noncorporeal monster, the flags will still work. Flagged monsters will automatically join your squad and will automatically be minions of whomever summons them. They will follow the summoner’s orders. That is, they will follow orders to a certain extent, depending on the level difference and nature of the monster. While you need a squad that’s as powerful as possible, it might not be in your best interests to build a team that’s a little too strong. You may dismiss mob squad members if they don’t work out by ripping the T’Ghee totem in two.

All surviving squads may choose a single T’Ghee card to keep upon the collapse of this floor.

I’m supposed to explain that part now, but honestly, you monkeys think you’re so smart and clever, I’m certain you can figure it out on your own. Now get out there and kill, kill, you know.

They couldn’t physically use Bea, but this was still a way to fuck with us. They were likely going to try this with multiple squads, sending us all to places where we could watch loved ones like we were in a fucked-up version of a Christmas Carol.

They’re mostly harmless as long as you don’t mess with their flock and/or their girlfriends. I was going to add a joke about those two being the same thing, but I’m trying to be more mature. Just kidding. These dudes definitely fuck their sheep.

Second only to the infamous floor boss—which doesn’t show up until the tenth floor—this is the biggest, baddest bitch one can come across in Dungeon Crawler World. Reward: You know how this goes, you worthless piece of shit.

New Achievement. The Scourge. The Butcher’s Masquerade has started. You have collected the most hands. You have caused more mothers to cry, more children to hate than any other crawler before you. You are the champion murderer supreme. You are number one. If only your own mother wasn’t already dead so she could see you now. Reward: You have received a Legendary Hunter Champion Box. A legendary box!

New Achievement. Apex Predator. Holy shit. They’re dead. All of them. Every. Last. One. Not only did you kill more hunters than everyone else, but you killed the very last one. One could fill a very stinky swimming pool with the blood you spilled on the Hunting Grounds. You have become a very scary dude. Maybe I should be calling you daddy instead of the other way around. Reward: Nothing! ... Just kidding. You have received a Celestial Predator Box. My hands shook.

The first spellbook, which we’d also gotten from Chaco’s prize booth, was a strange spell. It was a team buff called Rigorous. It was basically a damage reflect spell, but only for debuffs and afflictions. Similar to my Super Spreader, but it didn’t actively give the target the ailment, just the effect. Mordecai said that was an important distinction. Donut was not impressed, but she read it anyway on the guide’s insistence.

Enchanted Nipple Ring of the Superior Fire Demon’s Hand Maiden. This may only be equipped on a quadruped. This may only be equipped on a female. Warning: Unless you’re planning on getting a lot of weird and unnecessary surgery, you ain’t equipping this.

You look that shit up in Wikipedia, and it’ll be the first line. It’ll say, “These bitches are three pugs short of a grumble.” It’s not an opinion, but an absolute fact.

We have a whole matriarchal hierarchy of demons who exist and fight and vie for control on the fifteenth level, all trying to catch the eye of one of the four brothers, and these Superior Demon nutjobs are always causing the most chaos, which is saying a lot.

Donut raised her paw and did an uncertain slap onto the book. It was a very cat-like move. “Why is it quivering?” she asked. “You know how I feel about things that quiver.”

Effect: There are a lot of angry souls out there. Like, a lot. It’s said if one has the ability to actually see all the wailing souls that filter through the edges of our world, one would go quite insane. The AI gave an unsettling giggle. Quite, quite insane, actually. All that death, spiraling down, down, down into the drain. Where do they go? Why are they always screaming? Uh, anyway.

Warning: In most cases, armor and weapons utilized with this spell will disintegrate upon the completion of this spell. Certain cursed and enchanted items may react in an unpredictable manner upon the completion of the spell.

“Remember the swordsmen guards on the third level?” Mordecai asked. “This is kinda like that, but scarier. Wailing spirits are creepy. Now that Donut has level 15 in that Laundry Day spell, she can sow a lot of chaos with just those two spells. If she trains this one up, she can remove all the armor off a group of mobs and then reanimate their own armor with the spirits, and they will tear through the unarmored monsters like wildfire.”

“Bautista can change shape now, too? I bet he and Katia will be having some really weird sex,” Donut said.

The platinum apostate box, which I’d received for not getting killed by Diwata, contained a ring. A nipple ring. “Ha!” Donut said triumphantly. “That’s what you get!” She looked up at the ceiling. “Now that his nipples are full, there are other places he’s not pierced yet.” “Yeah,” I said. “Wait until I receive a legendary spay-your-cat-at-home kit.”

My sleeveless jacket was called the Enchanted Anarchist’s Battle Rattle.

Warning #2! This is a divine item. This means it gains differing abilities, buffs, and possibly debuffs depending on your proximity to certain deities and demons. It makes for new and exciting combinations!

The bad news is, certain deities may inflict nasty debuffs on you instead. And there’s no rhyme or reason to it. Don’t worry, we programmed out the head exploding debuff this season. That one was caused by Yarilo. At least I think we programmed it out. Actually, I don’t remember. Reward: You now have something new to be anxious about.

Or it can just make certain that your next mugshot goes viral. It all comes down to the talent of the artist. “What the hell am I supposed to do with this?” I asked. “Well, I certainly hope it’s not give yourself another disgusting tattoo,” Donut said. She paused. “Hey, the dungeon stole my joke! I said the viral thing when you got one of your other tattoos!” I grunted. “They say the sincerest form of flattery is when someone copies you.” Donut scoffed. “No, Carl. That’s just something thieves say to make themselves feel better about stealing other people’s stuff. The sincerest form of flattery is when people cry when they meet you.”

Buzz off, dirty hippie. Go be smelly somewhere else. The Grateful Dead sucked. And so does Phish.

+10% skill in playing the bongos.

The only limit is your imagination. And your insurance policy.

Warning! You probably don’t want to cast this on members of the same religion more than two or three times in a row.

Donut: WE BETTER KEEP AN EYE ON HER. I KNOW A VILLAIN ORIGIN STORY WHEN I SEE ONE.

Warning: you know how asbestos is really bad for you? Like, it doesn’t hurt you immediately, but it builds up in your lungs and eventually screws you over? Actually, you know what? Just ignore this warning. Forget I said anything. Carrying corrupted essence around on your back builds character. You already have a ring that’s doing much worse to you anyway.

Mysterious Bone Key This benefit may only be used once for obvious reasons. Creates a one-time-use key to open a lock. Any lock. Any lock in the dungeon. WARNING!: (Notice how I used ALL CAPS for the warning?) Using this benefit will destroy both the patch and the item it is attached to. That means the jacket and all those ugly little patches inexpertly sewn to it. Uh, it also uses a bone from the user’s body to create the key. The more difficult the lock, the bigger the bone it uses. It might just be a finger. Or your clavicle. Or your femur. No biggie. This bone will not grow back. So make sure it’s a lock you really, really want to open.

Donut: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE. I sighed. Carl: What is it this time? “This is an outrage!” Donut repeated as she burst from her room. She jumped onto the table. “Carl, do something.” “What are you talking about?” I asked.

The “flag” was a little bigger than my hand, like one of those flags you give to kids to wave at a parade. It was a miniature pair of heart-covered boxers. Not a flag with an image of boxers on it, but an actual pair of heart boxers flying sideways, like they were dangling off a clothesline. Embroidered onto the flag on the top and bottom was a motorcycle club-style patch that read, “The Royal Court of Princess Donut.” Centered on the boxers over the crotch area was an embroidered bomb patch, identical to the one on my jacket. It really was tacky.

“Elle says her squad’s flag has a bag of adult diapers on it.

like your cousin Baron Bear Claw or whatever his name was.”

“Her name was Baroness Éclair Exquisite,

“Yeah,” I said. “Bad things happen to cats who jump out windows.” “I saved your life when I went out that window, Carl, and I have yet to be thanked for it.”

I barely heard her. The scene hit me like a sledgehammer. This is what we lost, I thought, taking it all in. This is our world. The river, which I had thought I’d left behind on the previous floor, made itself known. Stay down, I thought. Stay back. Not until I need you.

Donut sighed dramatically. “All this walking is very bad for my fur.” She was sitting on my shoulder and had been since we left the saferoom.

WAIT, I SEE A RAT MONSTER! IT’S WEARING A HAT. Donut: WHAT KIND OF HAT?

The air smelled wrong here. Like Donut said, it wasn’t unpleasant, but it was like they got the ocean scent just a little off.

“Do you remember the show we had to go on?” I asked. “The voiceover one. Earth Beautiful?” “Where I introduced the universe to the truth about cocker spaniels?” Donut asked. “Of course I remember it.”

“Dibs on the hat!” Donut called as she bounded up the park.

“Why are you this cat thing?” Donut suddenly demanded of Sister Ines, breaking the silence. “A cat I can understand. Carl would’ve picked cat had the system allowed it.