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Because that’s the singular constant in life, isn’t it? That one minute you are completely obliterated by it, and then in the next moment, it carries you toward something else, regardless of whether or not you’re still emotionally reeling.
“And how do you think I feel, Cole? Don’t you think I wish that I could just be happy for you? You gave me no indication that you were even remotely unhappy, that anything was even wrong. You just up and ripped my heart out of my chest and threw away over ten years of being half of my soul—let alone my best fucking friend. I didn’t know you were even slightly less than happy, Cole. I didn’t know.”
How am I 6 pages in and already wanting to cry?
I believe him, that it was out of his hands to fall in love with her. I have to. Because believing that our life—and even more than that, our friendship—was all a lie, or just simply not enough … well, it would empty me out entirely.
Le sigh. I was not prepared for this version of Ava this morning. I like shining a light on others. I like how I make other people feel: important. I like keeping things light and without permanence right now. I chase these good and simple feelings.
I’m no longer scared of loneliness. I’ve faced it and learned to enjoy my own company.
got another letter from Dad which always brings out the worst, and I just want you to be happy because you deserve all the things—you deserve love and everything with it. More than anyone else.”
Adult novels with pictures, who knew? We
If you are any indication of how I’ll be treated, then I can see that this is going to be a long six weeks, just as expected.”
I am vaguely aware of the fact that my brain is choosing to deflect and assess (ha, ass-ess)
thinks humor has the power to cancel out any other emotion.
Grace commented on how they were so pretty, she didn’t want to break them, to which LeighAnn exclaimed that cracking it with the back of our spoon was the most satisfying part … Tait’s smile reminds me of that. It’s a bit like cracking the top of a crème brûlée—
“I’m sorry, but I need something to be clear, here: I came here to do a job. I have an author looking for inspiration for one of her stories—I’m not looking to add a chapter in mine. I’m good on all of that. I really appreciate the kindness, but we haven’t been family for over twenty years, LeighAnn, and I’m not looking to be now that it’s suddenly convenient for all of you.”
He didn’t know how to navigate his way through by the time things got too far away from him, but it’s always been obvious to the rest of us that he’s never stopped thinking about you girls.”
“My mother has been dead for over four years, LeighAnn. What about then? Couldn’t afford a plane ticket? What stopped him? Seems to me that he got so busy building a new, beautiful life for himself here that reconnecting with anything that reminded him that he tarnished the great Logan legacy just became too inconvenient for him.”
Harsh, yes. I mean its not her poor aunts fault. But alsso, needed to be said.
“It’s alright, most action I’ve had in a while.” I cringe, not sure what possessed me to say that. A laugh escapes him in a rush before he replies, “Me too, actually.” He grins.
Actual warm leather, like the best books always say, and why is it always warm leather? How is warmth encapsulated in a scent?
The best part is when you get past all that and get to feel that peace, when you know the other person feels for you what you feel for them, and they’ve already seen you at your worst, smelliest self, or love the effort you’ve put into being high-maintenance and can actually appreciate it. When someone’s gotten to know all of that and still wants to get to know you more as you change and grow—to figure out the changing you, and you them. That’s the most intense and best feeling.”
“Ahhh, yes. Funnily enough, I wasn’t expecting you here either. I didn’t know if I should expect you anywhere, at all, actually since you didn’t deign to come by yesterday when I got here, despite not seeing me in—oh, what has it been—twenty-plus years?”
looks to be around his age, are standing in the middle
“So, how about getting one meal over with, so you can leave the rest of us with something to talk about, but not enough reason for us to keep getting in your way?” Grady
“Well, sweetheart, you don’t discount what you do and make excuses for what he did. He could have asked you to stay. He made choices, too … When you’re married or family, and you need someone, it’s on you to communicate that. If you can’t, what’s the point? You should be able to tell someone when you want to lean on them, or if you just need them there. And before you start, Grady, and try to tell me that sounds like codependency or some mumbo jumbo—it’s not. I’m talking about expression, and honesty. If you didn’t let yourself be happy or successful, Tait, because of him, well, that would be
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initial inspiration, that tiny thing is the spark. It is absolutely paramount that you see that, and that you still be proud of pursuing your dreams … “… and also turn left here.”
Go Granny!
“Nothing, nothing. I just was thinking that your grocery shopping reminds me a little of your playlist organization.”
I don’t think I’m bitter, but I don’t really know if I have closure, you know? How do you know?”
“I guess if you’re holding back from anything because of them, you don’t have it. I think we learn from experience, so of course you’re going to make decisions differently based on your experiences with them. But I think if you are denying yourself anything, or not doing something because of them … I guess that means you don’t have it.”
“Just come by my place if you need anything, I’m sure I’ve got what you need. I can feed you.” “You think you know what I like? Maybe I need to take a look at your menu.” “I guess it depends on your tastes?” She smirks triumphantly. “Guess it’s not a big menu then, huh?”
Clearly, I need to get my attraction under control. My hormones and baser needs are continuing to betray me as far as he’s concerned. I’m somewhat ashamed to admit to myself that if he showed returned interest, I would definitely be willing to explore that lust.…
“Oh. Thank you. Won’t the eighty-something-year-old woman probably need them more, though?”
“No, she shouldn’t. Her deal with Satan means he keeps her core temperature regular.”
“Dessert is absolutely the most important meal. I don’t go a day without it.”
But when I get my first foot on the rung of the ladder, his right hand closes over my left one, his other hand gripping my hip and flipping me around so I’m abruptly sitting on the top rung, him floating between my legs. We breathe like we raced here, his eyes wide and intense on mine for only a moment before they go to my mouth and he leans in. “Tait,” he whispers. “Yes?” I say, and the breathy tone makes my cheeks heat again. “Can I—shit.” He shakes his head a little, but I’m already nodding mine. “I’m going to kiss you now,” he says, his voice a low rumble. And then he does.
“Sexiest smile I’ve ever seen,” he says, and when I open my eyes I want to return the compliment.
“Sweet dreams, honey,”
but according to the sparklers currently being set off under my skin,
“Ass. I guess that explains why you tried to mount me, then.
“Hey, you dismissed me last night, remember? So, don’t go acknowledging it and making me remember it, and definitely don’t flirt with me unless you want me to do something about it.”
“The water is so green. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a lake that color. I’ve seen turquoise water, cerulean blue, blue so dark it’s black. Then, you know, regular green pond, lake water. This is totally its own.” “I always thought that this little valley itself was the cool part. If I would’ve known the color of the water would be this exciting I’d have bought you some crayons and really blown your dress up.” I chuckle.
I know that kids aren’t an accessory to marriage, they’re not an extension of us. They just are …
“I don’t think I’m smiling,” I say, feeling my grin grow. “I just think I’m a morning person, and you’re not.” “I’m so glad I continue to give you material to laugh at me with.” “Honestly, me too.”
my ego, so she surprises me with her response. “Can’t be helped. I’m a sucker for watching a man clean. Especially one who does it well.”
Hoooooboy, I’ve got the hots for a farmer. Farmer? Cowboy? I don’t know which, or both, but I’ll bet he’s one of the few men on planet Earth who could rock the hell out of a pair of overalls. I bite my lip to stave off laughing at the mental image.
I’ve decided to let go of feeling suspicious of his kindness and have accepted his friendship with the view that goes with
So, I guess in a roundabout way, photography also helped me find myself, by shining a light on my own strengths and character. Pictures do a great job of making the ordinary come alive.”
am so sorry that you had to grow up thinking that just because you were observant enough to see what other people needed, that it was your responsibility to be considerate of that, or to ever put yourself second, Tait. I hope you can … I hope you can see yourself through our eyes, sometime, and see how beautiful and incredible you are, and see how much you have to be proud of—not just your work, although you should be so damn proud of what you do, sweetheart—but be proud of yourself, of your life.”
In a wobbly voice, I say, “I really, truly am. I promise, Dad.”
“When you buy a new plant, you often have to cut the roots when it comes out of the pot. That way, when you put it into the ground, the roots will reach outward, and it will thrive. If you left it in that plastic pot, in that compacted shape it’s in, the roots would grow around and around in a tangled mass until it’d choke the life from itself. It would become too rootbound to grow.”
I close my eyes. “It felt like this was … a date.” I open them to see him twitching that hard jaw again. “Honey, they’ve all been dates to me. I’ve just been waiting for you to catch up.”
“It’s not experiencing an ancient culture, a castle in Scotland or the Dolomites. But it’s my home, and I see you falling in love with it, too, Tait. Someone who’s seen so much—even you can still appreciate it here. You might not be ready to admit that, but I’ll be here when you are.”
“I wish you could see how you glow. How you brighten a room every time you enter it. I can’t imagine anyone, ever, losing sight of that with you. And I’m glad you’re here, and that you’re not wasting your time with anyone like I did. I hope … I hope you’ll continue to.”
“God, look at you.” “It’s Tait, actually, but feel free to worship all you’d like.”
