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“My bad,”
“No more prodding, I promise.” “You’re really good at asking all the questions I’ve been refusing to answer,”
“It’s only slightly a...
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She was good at that, at knowing when to move on when something made me too uncomfortable to linger in the feeling.
You’re crazy if you think you’re leaving here without letting me eat your beans.”
“Why does that sound so wrong when you say it?”
“It’s truly a...
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“Remind me to tell you what it means someday.”
“Wait, what?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
I had wanted a sign, and here it was.
“I can’t read your mind.”
“Pity. It’s wildly entertaining in here.”
I couldn’t make my entire existence the responsibility of someone who had already made it clear she was shit at boundaries, incapable of turning down someone in need, so self-sacrificing it was borderline dangerous. The less I appeared in need of her help, her time, her presence, the better.
I wasn’t even sure I didn’t want it, that I didn’t enjoy it, and that I wasn’t now craving it. It was enervating, pretending like I didn’t immediately search for her the minute I entered a room, or that her presence had become enough to calm any sort of existential dread that bubbled up in my soul.
Every second I spent with these girls was bringing me back to life, like being pulled from the ocean and being forced to breathe air.
I could see why it would be hard to get over someone like Harvey, someone who gave you that much attention, that much care. That kind of love would be intoxicating.
Impossible to recover from.
I felt intrepid, armored with love and a feeling of family I’d been missing for so long.
“We’re glad you’re here, Nia.”
“It feels good to be here,”
but the bigger truth was, it felt good to be wanted, to be welcomed.
“We’re stuck. Please come get us, Daddy.”
“It’s not my fault you’re idiots. Call someone else.”
“Nia’s with us.”
“I’ll call you when I’m above the ledge.”
“She acts like she’s bothered, but I think she’d lose it if she wasn’t taking care of someone.”
“Who takes care of her, then?”
“Don’t let these bad influences corrupt you, Nia.”
“Look, I’m trying to believe you when you tell me one thing, but then you act like something else entirely.”
I think you were right yesterday; I don’t think you should stay here.”
“What?”
“I’m trying to respect you when you tell me who you are, but honestly, I’ve never been this confused before, and I’m starting to wonder if you aren’t as sure as you think. If that’s the case, I can’t be your exploration phase, I can’t fall for you just for you to change your mind and leave.”
“What are you doing here? What are we doing here?”
“Nia, look at me.”
“We’re friends,”
“You do this shit with all your friends?”
“I asked you if you wanted to go with the others, with friends, and you came with me. Why did you come with me?”
“Aren’t you my friend too?”
“Why did you come with me, Nia?”
“Because I want to be around you,”
“Why do you want to be a...
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“You’re right. I shouldn’t be here.”
There was nothing left of me, nothing to salvage, nothing to build from anymore.
“Is it that hard to be honest with yourself?”
“Just ask for help, Nia,”
I had come to Devil Town for closure, and there was officially nothing left for me here anymore.
I had never been so unhappy, yet so numb in my entire life. Everything felt wrong, and I couldn’t even make sense of why.
Half of me was tied up in a chair in my mind, locked behind the back porch of my consciousness, screaming for the imposter to remove their Antônia costume and let me take
the wheel again. I couldn’t let this be my end. I couldn’t just ruin everything we’d worked for.
