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“You don’t have to do it now. You can take as long as you need to, but you have to talk to her eventually, Nia.”
“You can’t stay in limbo...
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“And you still owe me beans, so I figured we can go to the store, come back, do a little cooking before we head to Skateland for Slam Night.
“Aw, baby, don’t be jealous. Her beans didn’t smell nearly as good as yours.”
I’d struggled with feeling enough my entire life. Brown enough, mixed enough, Brazilian enough. But here, in her kitchen, cooking a meal for someone I loved with nothing but joy in my heart, I felt the most connected to my people.
“Are you nervous, princess?”
“Of course I’m nervous!”
“I’m disgustingly insecure, and I literally live inside my ow...
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with tons of ...
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“What if I don’t measure up? What if I'm bad at go...
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“What if I ...
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“Would these fears go away if I had a dick?”
“I mean, maybe? It's not like you’re some pussy-obsessed guy who doesn’t care what it looks, smells, or tastes like as long as you get to have it.”
“Who said I’m not pussy obsessed?”
“We go as slow or as fast as you want, Nia,”
“I’m going to devour you whole,”
“Fuck,”
“What gives?”
“Undress.”
The urge to cover my chest was immense, but the look in
her eyes begged otherwise, threatening beautiful violence with just a look. It was the kind that would bruise my soul and leave a permanent mark.
“You’re so beautiful, Antônia.”
“Sit on my lap.”
“On your lap?”
it felt like she was holding the weight of my whole being—all my worries, all my fears, all my problems. I melted into her, letting her take the entirety of me onto her.
“Now tell me what you want from me, princess,”
The most dangerous thing she’d asked of me yet. “W-What...
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“I want the moon, the stars. I want an entire constellation made of us.”
“I want to feel you in my soul.” “Done,”
Kissing had never been so erotic, not with anyone else before. She had barely touched me, and I was a puddle on her. “Spread your legs for me.”
“I can feel how wet you are through my pants.”
“Wanna feel?”
I was fully exposed. I’d never felt more raw, more vulnerable in my entire life, but in her hold, I’d also never felt safer, more willing to let go.
once the rest of her clothes came off, I knew for certain. If I wasn’t sure before, I was certainly a lesbian now.
“I want you so much.”
“Tell me what to do?”
“You got it.”
Asking her to tell me what to do now felt borderline comical. How could I not know what to do, staring face to face with the only thing that could truly make me believe in God? In magic? Surreal in beauty. Divine.
Getting her off was the hottest thing I’d ever experienced, and having her fold under me was now my greatest accomplishment.
I’d never felt more whole.
“It feels like everything is ending tonight.” “Maybe that’s because it is.”
“Maybe everything has to end in order to start again.”
“I’m sorry, Lon.” Not for death, not for their mother, not for this overwhelming grief. “For everything. You deserved better from me.” “Shut your mouth, you little shit. I love you. You needed to grow up to come back, and I’m proud of the woman you’ve become.”
“You never told me what the beans thing meant,”
“Tell me.”
“Eating beans.”
“It's another way Brazilians say eating ass.”
“And you’ve just been letting me casually toss this in conversation all week?”
“Absolutely.”
I could be my own damn hero, and that meant sometimes letting someone else do the saving.
