One in a Millennial: On Friendship, Feelings, Fangirls, and Fitting In

by Kate Kennedy

In my quest for self-love, first, I lived, laughed, chugged my way through early adulthood, not realizing in many ways I was at the pregame for the rest of my life.

I think about obsessing over women who were popular or famous and it bringing me joy, but also a needless pursuit of sameness, not realizing the times I was a part of something that felt right but left others out.

I think of the girlhood represented by Limited Too, wondering if all girl power was empowering me to do was consume, and how it took twenty-five years after those fitting-room tears to eventually learn to love myself, Too.

I would take cues from popular media and popular kids in school to curate a version of me that was not defined by what I liked, but by finding ways to get people to like me.

I think a lot of us now look back and cringe about many of the things we did to fit in, forgetting we grew up during a time when it seemed like avoiding being unique at all costs was the right thing to do.

comfortable, and I felt okay only if someone else told me it was okay, if my outfit got okayed, or if I made sure they’re okay with me being there.

I wanted to be an intellectual and read more books, but I felt happiest reading Seventeen and YM cover to cover,

default setting of self-consciousness that’s hard to snap out of, and I’m always trying to pinpoint why we cared so much. Why was I worried my hobbies weren’t good enough, why did I accept that they’d be weaponized against me? Why would I ever let someone who drafts make-believe football teams make me believe I should be embarrassed by my interests?

Our generation’s consumer-behavior patterns were a significant departure from generations past, making us harder to target and sell to, and my days were filled with senior executives going on and on about how we all think we’re “so special,” or we’re so entitled, lazy, full of contradictions, and flaky, they couldn’t pin us down. Even though these clichés aren’t how I self-identify, I am a walking millennial stereotype for many other reasons.

To make matters worse, it’s hard to defend ourselves, because the act of not taking criticism well can be easily reduced to whiny millennial behavior.

On the inside, we know the truth. Millennials aren’t rife with contradictions and allegedly falling behind because we’re these entitled, spoiled creatures. We were raised in preparation for a world that no longer exists and are forever trying to navigate the terms.

I’m not against religion, I’m against how people with spiritual authority use religion to control, ostracize, and oppress, and how Christian doctrine can be conveniently interpreted to further a time period’s social or political agenda.

There’s something about a close friend’s rejection that cuts deep; in prior situations, I could make myself feel better because they didn’t know the “real” me or I was misunderstood, but this person knew me very well and was like, “Meh, I’m good.”

“You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you’re behaving like the best friend.” I feel like this doesn’t pack the same punch on paper, but the first time I heard it, I openly wept in a dark Regal Cinemas

Somewhere along the way, I became so used to being treated like the best friend, I would support the people who mistreated me like their best friend, wanting to keep them in my life instead of standing up for myself, hoping they’d come to their senses.

Not unlike my experience with AIM, people would open up to me, trust me, spend a lot of time hanging out with or talking to me, and all signs would point to it being a romantic endeavor. But when I’d ask for something more official they’d bail,

Once I got to know myself better, sure, I wanted a husband, but I also realized I never needed to be worshiped, put on a pedestal, or confined to gender stereotypes to be deemed worthy.

That said, there are no words for how lucky I feel to have found a partner I love, respect, and feel safe with,

I’m not one to gush—actually, that’s not true, I totally am, but I’m highly suspicious of people who do it in public places, and my husband is so much more important to me than any caption or paragraph could adequately capture, so I rarely feel the need to gush. But I’ll say this: my husband’s kindness, care, and respect for me made all the difference in the years I was still trying to rebuild the kindness, care, and respect I had lost for myself. It’s not that he “saved” me, I just eventually understood that I was never broken to begin with, and he came into my life in such an unexpected, in-passing way that in the blink of an eye, I could’ve missed him. But I think the saving was done on behalf of the universe, who saved the best for last when I got to end up with him.

What I thought was a pattern was just a small sample size of the wrong guys, and it was worth navigating the many situations I struggled to understand to find someone who taught me how much peace lies within feeling understood. Call it the universe, call it random, call it a numbers game. We just vibe well together, to use the technical term. I want to say something profound, but I also just want to blush and say I think he’s handsome and smart and cute and funny, and I just thoroughly enjoy his company, his values, his family, and his dedication to me and our Shih Tzu, Tugboat.

I’d be remiss not to share that after all of the spiritual trauma, the ups and downs, the heartbreaks and rejections, meeting the right person didn’t take nearly the amount of analytics I had to perform trying to figure out all the wrong people.

I worked for a lot of incredible, brilliant women who championed the hell out of my career when they didn’t have to, and they’re the ones who made me feel valuable and smart, loved my PowerPoints, puns, and attention to detail. My boss for several years, Sheryl, really believed in me and worked hard to get me more visibility, more recognition, and higher compensation.

it’s further proof that while I’m the one who has taken a lot of jobs, the people I’ve met along the way are the ones who’ve made my career.

We spend so much of our lives working, and being in good company along the way makes it worth it.

I always thought I needed to be saved by a man, but strangely, I feel like I was ultimately saved by women while working for The Man.

I still can’t shake the reflex to sometimes feel a little embarrassed by the things that I like.