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For all the sleepy girls out there who can’t seem to shut off their brains.
“God, you make me so fucking irritated sometimes.” My smile kicks up a few unhealthy notches. “I know.”
“Are you one of those misogynistic weirdos who think that men and women can never just be friends?” “Not at all.”
“You talkin’ about me again, Karras?” With a heavy sigh, I slowly tilt my gaze. Holden’s standing at the back of the couch now, one hand clasped against Rai’s shoulder while the other slicks through his sandy hair.
“Do you need a ride?” My brow arches as I rear back. “What?” “A ride?” He assesses me with a smug smirk. “You know, the thing where you get in my car and I drive you home.”
“If I’m way off base right now, just tell me,” he continues, caramel eyes flashing with contrition. “Hand to God, I won’t bother you again.” “What do you mean?” “I won’t approach you,” he says softly, seriously. “I won’t speak to you unless I’m spoken to. In fact, I won’t even give you a second look if that’s what you want from me.” My shoulders slump. “Oh.” “Is that what you want, Kaia?” “No.” My throat’s filled with gravel, the jagged shards burning through me as I swallow. “No, that’s not what I want.”
I tried approaching Kaia afterward to make things right, but she wouldn’t even look at me. And honestly, being ignored like this fucking sucks. I’m not used to it, from her or from anyone. I miss teasing her, making her laugh despite herself, riling her up like usual.
“You know, I missed you last week.” “What?” “I missed talking to you,” he admits, his gaze intense. “This ignoring shit you’ve been doing? Yeah, it doesn’t really work for me.”
“Holden,” I murmur softly, uncertain of what else to say. “Kaia.” He parrots my tone. “Look, if you’re pissed at me, then just tell me. Fight with me. Yell at me. But don’t shut me out. I don’t like seeing you everywhere, knowing that you’re just gonna look the other way.”
“And you missed me, too, right?” “Don’t push your luck, Beck.”
“You sure you want this?” I ask, giving her every last opportunity to back out. “Just fucking kiss me already.”
“You still think I don’t like you?” I lean back, running a frustrated hand through my hair. “Kaia, I fucking adore you.”
“Kaia, look at me,” I say, tilting her chin up with my finger. “You’re an incredible fucking friend to Elio. And even if he’s going through something right now, it’s not your fault. Okay?” “Yeah,” she mumbles, eyes downcast. “Tell me you know it’s not your fault.” I don’t want her to blame herself for something that might not even be true. And I sure as hell don’t want to see her cry anymore, especially not when I’m the cause of it.
She grins despite herself. “You are an asshole, aren’t you?” “See, we agree on something for once.”
“Karras,” I murmur, my voice low and soft. “Let me try again for you. Let me be that guy.” She blinks, her gaze flicking up to meet mine. “That guy?” she echoes. “If you’re struggling, I wanna be the guy you call for help. The one who can make you forget about everything else and just . . . be in the moment.”
“So, what you’re saying is that you want to be my last resort?” A smirk tilts my lips. “As long as I’m your something.”
Kaia are you up? Holden I’ll be there in 20
Before leaving, he comes back over, murmuring, “Sweet dreams,” against my forehead.
K Sorry for slipping away again, but I had to be up early, and I didn’t want to disturb your beauty sleep. Don’t worry, I didn’t steal any of your hair this time. H
We’re not technically in any sort of relationship, but I’m already loyal to her in a sense. There’s no way I could betray that by hooking up with someone else. Not now, not when my mind is still so fucking fixated on the girl.
I know, it’s not something I have any right to complain about. Because she’s not mine, and I’m not technically hers, either.
“Okay, I like you.” My lip quirks. “And?” “And I always fucking have,”
“Was that a compliment?” “Believe it or not, I’m capable of those.”
But for now, I’m content to appreciate these small moments, in the feeling of her pulse beating against me and the knowledge that—for at least a little while longer—she’s mine.
I roll my eyes, my lips curving upward despite myself. It’s ridiculous how easily he diffuses the tension, how he can dispel all the lingering doubts in a matter of seconds—quiet those nagging fears that always seem to swirl around in my head.
As in, I would miss him if he disappeared off the face of the planet.
It helps, at least a little bit, to imagine that I’m not alone in this. That I have someone, someone who might actually get me, to help me forget about all my worries. Even if it only lasts throughout the night. Even if it’s all just a hopeless façade.
I just want to be left alone to wallow in my own self-pity for once.
She folds her arms across her chest, indignant. “Don’t make fun of me when I’m sick.” “Come on, Karras. Go home,” I plead, making one last attempt to cajole her. “I’ll be by this afternoon with some soup and shit.”
“Don’t you dare.” “What are you gonna do about it, Sneezy? Fight me?” “I hate you,” she scoffs, but her eyes betray the truth. “No,” I say with a grin. “You don’t.”
“And for some reason, you also brought me an orchid?” I give her a wide, cheesy grin. “I hear flowers always make girls feel better.” “So, you got me a potted plant.” “Well, I was gonna get you a bouquet of roses,” I say with a smirk. “You know, thorns, since you’re so damn prickly. But I figured this lasts longer. Besides, I already know you love the color purple.” “And how would you know that?” she asks, surprise coating her tone. “You used to rock a big purple clip in your hair.” “Freshman year?” she asks, incredulous. I scratch the back of my neck. “Yeah, I think so.”
He nods toward the living room. “Take a seat on the couch. I’ll do it for you.” “I’m fully capable of using the microwave, Beck.”
I move to shove him, but he grabs my hand, pulling me against him and settling in on the couch. My back is pressed to his front, one arm casually wrapped around my stomach. It’s an intimate position, especially for the two of us, but it feels nice. Comforting.
“That you won’t come back to class until you’re feeling better. And you’ll let me take some notes for you,” he adds, tugging at a strand of my hair. “I can send you emails after class and bring over any take-home work at the end of the day.” I swallow thickly. “And why would you do that for me?” He nuzzles his nose against the bridge of my cheek, his voice low and deep as he says, “If it wasn’t obvious by now—I kinda give a shit about you, Karras.” I tense up in his arms. “Ah, I see.” “And I think you give a shit about me, too.” “Yeah,” I quietly, hesitantly agree. “Yeah, maybe I do.”
K, Hope you’re feeling better. Did you know that you snore like an old man? Very sexy. Get some rest and I’ll check in later. H
It’s difficult to admit, but I’m grateful for his ever-growing presence in my life. For the comfort he provided me when I was sick, for the way he refused to let me push him away. It’s a strange feeling, but a good one.
Without another word, she pushes up from the couch, bolting down the hallway. It’s difficult not to smile as I watch her run, her poorly concealed laughter echoing around the apartment.
I want to wake up with her in the mornings and not have to worry about whether or not I crossed a line. I want to take care of her when she’s sick and not have to practically force her into letting me. I want to fight with her and not have to fear that she’ll never speak to me again. I want security. Trust. To be the one person she comes to when she’s in need.
But that’s when it hits me. Like a ton of bricks. Like a train that just ran me over. Like a goddamn hurricane. I have a crush. An actual, bona fide crush on Holden Becker. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t know I was attracted to him before. But this is different. This is like, butterflies in my stomach, heart racing, can’t stop thinking about him kind of crush. And it’s freaking me out.
“But I do care about you, and I’m glad you showed up tonight after all. I wanted to talk to you.”
“Oh God, is this some sort of breakup speech?” I ask, panic wriggling in the pit of my stomach. “Because you know we’re not even really together, right?” “But that’s the thing. We could be.” I rear back. “What?” “I think about you when we’re apart. All the goddamn time.”
“Y-you know it wouldn’t work between us, though.” “It would,” he insists. “But I’m . . . me, and you’re you, and we just, we argue too much.” “It doesn’t matter,” he says, his voice soft but firm. “It does.” He shakes his head. “You’d be bored if we didn’t.” “You’re the one who’ll get bored of me.” His expression softens. “Is that what you think?”
“I mean, the challenge is the fun part for you, right? And I’m really more of a homebody myself. I basically only have one friend, and I’m pretty screwed up in the head. I mean, God, I can barely shut off my fucking brain most of the time. I overthink everything. And also, you were right before—I do take every tiny piece of criticism to heart. I’m not some happy-go-lucky little sweetheart. I can’t be that girl even if I wanted to be.” “You think I don’t know this already?” “You might think you do, but whatever you think you know, I’m worse,” I say, my voice breaking.
“There’s nothing fucking wrong with you, Kaia,” he says fiercely, pulling me even closer. “All that shit you just listed—it’s what makes you human. Uniquely fucking perfect. I don’t like you in spite of who you are. I like every little piece that makes you whole. I’m not getting bored of you, ever, so don’t even let your mind take you there.”
“If that’s what’s holding you back from giving this, us, a real shot, then let it be known—there’s not a world in which I do better than you. I want you, Kaia, every conceivable part of you.
But I don’t want to lose you. I can’t even make myself picture it.”
“Yeah, Karras, teasing you has always been my favorite hobby.”
Before I manage to get myself situated, Holden glances up, and our eyes meet. A tender smile spreads across my face, and I give him the two-finger wave. In response, he shoots me a sly grin and a wink that makes my cheeks flush with heat.
you busy? Holden I can be there in an hour? Kaia any sooner? Holden 45 minutes, tops you need a distraction?? Kaia I just need you
After a while, I stand up and offer my hand. “Come on,” I say, gently tugging her toward me. “Let’s do something to occupy your mind.” She joins me, and we spend the rest of the evening together, watching movies and cooking dinner. It’s not the grandest of gestures, but it’s enough to remind her that she’s not alone, that I’m here for her in more than just a physical way.
