Falling for Heartbreak (Falling Duet Book 2)

by Samirah Zaman

One life to do all the things we love and overcome our fears. Don’t spend your life being afraid of what may come. Find the courage and get on the ride for all its highs and lows.”

“We are equal in that we lived through the same childhood experiences but also opposite. Because while it pushed you to believe in love… for me… it taught me that love is just a setup for heartbreak.”

Dear God, Why is my daddy always so angry? Why can’t they love each other? Trixie’s parents love each other. Can you help me? I don’t want to be in the dark. I want to be playing in the sun.

“Ava, you have achieved so much in just twenty-four years. You got a degree from Cambridge University. You are a signed author, working in publishing just like you always dreamed. You own a property in Central London. Not renting, but you own a property. You have the most loyal friends and a loving family. How can you not see all of that? You are focusing on one small thing on your checklist.”

“I feel like I haven’t lived. At all. Maybe a few years at university, but I wasted so much time with Kai. At that time, I thought that was the peak of life, but I look back now and realise I was barely existing. I lost all those years on something and someone who didn’t even care. I could’ve been out there doing everything I wanted to do, like meeting new people, travelling, and doing all the romantic crap I see in the movies. I could have met the man of my dreams and started building a life with him. But I didn’t. I stayed with Kai even when I was unhappy and scared. I wasted so many years, and for what?”

“You can’t think of it as a waste of time. Kai needed to happen to make you as strong as you are today. Maybe you don’t believe that, but I do. I can see how resilient you are now. You have a fire burning in your eyes. You can live life Ava because life goes on. It keeps on going even when you feel like it has stopped. This is the chance to let go of all that Kai baggage and decide when you want your new adventure to begin. He doesn’t have a hold on you unless you let him. Don’t let him cast a cloud on your sunny day.”

“Love is a weakness. This notion of love being the centre of your world will be your downfall. You are naïve if you think love will save you.”

“Love is not for the naïve. It’s for the strong. It’s for those who have faith in people. To love someone is to trust them with your heart. It’s finding happiness in a single soul. It’s finding someone who accepts you for who you are, who loves all the things you hate about yourself. It’s having that one person to laugh and cry with. Love isn’t easy and sometimes it’s a choice. It’s choosing that person even when you’re screaming at the top of your lungs or when distance separates you. It’s choosing to look past their flaws and love them regardless. It’s having a hand to hold through every season, sunshine or rain; it doesn’t matter because you know you will get through both and there will be a rainbow at the end of it. Love doesn’t make you weak. It’s the highest show of strength, courage and trust.”

“It’s called falling in love. Because that is what happens. You trust people and you give them your heart and you ruin yourself. I told you there is a piece of me missing, and that is my heart, and it is for reasons like this. I won’t trust and I won’t give my heart because it means I will fall. And what happens when you fall, Avalanna? You break. That’s why heartbreak exists. You see, it’s not falling in love. It’s simply falling for heartbreak.”

“For so long, I wondered if Jason felt the same way I did. I fell for him too soon, but that is how love works. It creeps up in the middle of the night and snatches you. I now realise he didn’t love me at all. If he loved me, he would have let me go. He should have walked away, but he didn’t until it was too late. He left the way love enters - silently, in the middle of the night when you are least expecting it.”

“Jason didn’t love me at all. If he loved me, he would have left me alone instead of doing everything to make me fall for him.”

“I think what makes me so angry is that he told me. Jason told me no girl could ever change his mind. He told me he didn’t believe in love, but I thought, like the books, I could change his mind. How stupid does that make me?”

Avalanna, I told you the best books are about heartbreak. Not everyone falls in love, but we are all heartbroken. I know you probably hate me right now. A letter to explain turned into this. I hope you find some inspiration from the characters in this book.

“You aren’t understanding. Maybe he did love me, but how real could it have been for him to leave me without a goodbye? He left. Maybe he got scared. Maybe he couldn’t commit. Maybe he didn’t understand how much I loved him. I could come to terms with those reasons. But after reading this, it’s clear he never planned to stay. He did everything to make me fall in love while knowing he never planned to stick around. The contents might be different, but both of our books end the same way — Jason free in the world while I am trapped within the heartbreak he promised.”

I realise I never took the time to know who Alex is. I have known he is kind and generous, but I knew nothing of his dreams and passion. Since meeting him, I assumed Tech Saint was his goal; to take over and push the company past what his forefathers built. I was wrong. Alex’s dreams are smaller but more noteworthy. He dreams of love, happiness and family. All the things I wish for too.

Well there u go, but people just wants what they can’t have and are not good for you 🤦🏻‍♀️ I so can relate

“Well, I hope that every time you look at it, you remember you are capable of being number one. You are enough. Stop waiting for someone to validate who you are. You are your own person. Don’t wait for someone to swoop in and save you. Be your own hero.”

“I was a stupid little kid. I was a daddy’s boy. I loved my dad, so when he died, I felt like a part of me had died as well. I couldn’t cope with the loss and I lost myself in grief. I kept reliving the moment when my mum told me my dad was dead. He was gone. I couldn’t accept that. I wanted to escape reality, so I drank, smoked, partied and fucked around. I wanted to cause as much misery to everyone around me because I was miserable. I wanted people to understand my pain, but all I did was hurt and push them away. I associated myself with the wrong people because they allowed me to become the worst version of myself. They encouraged it, and for a long time, I appreciated that. I didn’t want to be the sad Jason who lost his daddy. I wanted to be angry and hurtful. I am still paying the consequences for that.

“But if all those things didn’t happen, I wouldn’t be sitting here talking to you. I wouldn’t be working alongside one of my closest friends. I wouldn’t get to see Evelyn all the time. I would be hanging out with my friends, who I thought were genuine. I probably would have still hated my mum for making my dad miserable. I would have been stuck in Oxford, unaware of the truth, blind to all the things I have had to learn since my dad died. I would have still been a stupid little kid who thought the world of his dad and unknowing of how cold and hard the world is. I had to learn the hard way how to protect myself and my heart.

You have to keep making your way through life and follow where it takes you, even if it isn’t where you planned on going, even if you have to leave things and people behind. You just have to because life doesn’t always give you what you want, but in a weird and twisted way, it will give you the tools to help you build what you need.”

“Because if this were a different story, I would fall in love with you.”

As she danced in the rain, with the lights behind her, laughter on her lips and the stars watching, I finally understood the word ‘beautiful’. I thought of many things as beautiful before, but nothing compared to this. To her. She was a ray of light in the dark. She was the brightest star in the sky. She was good. She was pure. She was happiness. She was truly an unrivalled beauty.

“When the lights went out, you were the first thing I thought about. All I could think about was you being scared and alone. It was like I could hear your cries as you were taken back to being a little girl, stuck in that small room while listening to the abuse and cries. The image made me feel physically sick. I could have gotten home, but I didn’t want you to be alone in the dark, so I came here. I came for you. I wanted to protect you.”

“You know, I really fucking didn’t want this party. I am twenty-seven and having a birthday party,” he laughs. “Fucking hell. I don’t think I ever had a birthday party when I was a kid, but it seems fitting to have one this year.” He stares at the cake. “Happy fucking birthday to me, I suppose. Help yourself to the cake.”

Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I allowing myself to fall for heartbreak?

He is right. Jason never wanted friendship. He told me that. Jason never wanted to be loved. He warned me not to fall in love with him but then did everything to make sure I did. Yes, I forced him to do all those things, but he was no different. He didn’t have to hold my hand on the rollercoaster. He didn’t have to win me a teddy bear at the fair. He didn’t have to pick out a dress for me. He didn’t have to kiss me with as much passion as he did. He didn’t have to memorise my coffee order or learn to love the songs from my playlist. He didn’t have to share his childhood and pain with me. He didn’t have to invade my mind and heart, so only he exists in them. He didn’t have to make me fall in love with him.

“Yes. Do you know how many times I have been around a girl like you? The ones who think that they can save the sad, lost boy? Get it into your head; you can’t save me. I have been dealt my hand in cards, and so have you. If you can’t put aside your feelings to win, don’t blame me when I take you for all you have.”

“Because I wanted to see how far I could break you until you learnt to fight back.”

“Is this the real Jason? Was anything you shared about you real, or did you make it up? Are you trying to hurt me more than my own father and Kai did? Were you trying to break me more than anyone has ever broken me before? Did you decide that I haven’t been hurt enough? My father broke my family, and Kai broke my bones, so did you decide the only thing left to break was my heart? What did I do to you that you are so cruel to me? I became your friend. I was nothing but good to you. I deserve to know what I did to make you hate me so much.”

“Everything. From the very moment, I laid my eyes on you, I have hated you. Do you understand now, Avalanna? I hate you,” he says, emphasising every word. “I hate you so fucking much. I hate you. I fucking hate you. I hate you!” He throws his glass across the room and I duck as it shatters around me the way my heart has done. “This is me, Avalanna! This is who I am! I break everything I fucking touch. I am everything wrong in this world. I am fucking cursed. I don’t have a heart and I want to forget all the things you see in the world. I don’t want to live in a world where good exists. I don’t want to live in a world where happiness exists, where purity exists, where beauty exists, where hope exists, where dreams exist, where love exists. That is why I hate you – because you remind me of all the things I want to forget exists.”

“For a long time, I kept wondering why I was being punished by being kept alive. I had nothing left to live for. I had no purpose, but then I met you.”

“I saw the pain you were hiding in your eyes, and it was like I finally met someone who could understand. As time passed, I wanted to eradicate it for you, Avalanna. I didn’t want you to understand my pain. I don’t want you to ever feel the hurt you and I have always felt. I thought if I could teach you how to stop or survive heartbreak, I would be free of my past sins. You were my last chance at redemption.”

Dear God, if you are there and listening, please send me a guardian angel. I know I asked for one before, and you sent me Kai. He taught me how to love, but now I need a different one. Please send me one that can teach me how to survive this heartbreak.

“You need to learn how to let go of people, Avalanna. Your inability to let go of those who hurt you will be the death of you. How much does someone have to take from you before you wake the fuck up?”

“I once thought the same about Kai. He was hurting and fighting the darkness in himself and I think he knew it. He was scared to be alone in that darkness. I think that is why he held on to me. He was too scared of falling into the darkness alone that he never let me fly. He took me over the edge and we fell together. I never understood why you stayed with my dad until Kai. I desperately held onto the Kai I fell in love with. That Kai was the angel I had been asking God for. He taught me how to fly, so when I lost him, I thought he just needed his wings to be mended. I thought if I could love him enough, he would become my angel again. I knew how good he could be and wanted him back. Does that make me foolish?”

“You have a choice in who you become in the world. You can choose to take away light from people, or you can choose to bring light into their lives. The light can be scary when someone has been in darkness for so long. Always remember that some people look like light, but they are fighting darkness. Those are the ones that need your light the most.”

“It’s not the letting go part that is hurting you. It’s the betrayal from the person you trusted most. It’s knowing that you allowed yourself to bleed to protect them from the knives others tried to stick in their back. All the while, they sharpened their knife and stuck it into your back, straight to your heart.”

“All I ever wanted was my Ethan back. What happened? Did I do this to you? Did I make you hate me? How many slaps and punches were going to be enough? I sacrificed my happiness trying to make you happy. I let my daughter think this is what love is. But this isn’t love. Did you ever love me?”

Why are you giving me reminders of moments that shouldn’t belong to us? Why won’t you give us a chance? Why don’t you believe in love? Why am I not enough to change your mind?

“My name is Ava Christie Brooks, and Amber was my mum. When I was tasked to write this eulogy, I was stuck. I write for a living, but this felt impossible. It felt like there weren’t enough words in any language to sum up who my mum was. As I have always done, I picked up my phone to call my mum for help. Then it hit me, my mum isn’t here anymore, and I have to figure this one out for myself. I guess now there is a lot I must learn on my own. What do I do when I have no idea what I am doing? I never imagined having to live my life without her, so there was so much I never asked. The world seems darker without her here.”

“I have spent the last few days questioning why this happened. My mum had a big heart, but more importantly, she had a strong heart. Life had broken her heart more times than I could count. Maybe it just couldn’t take it anymore. But how is it fair? She was finally happy. Was there something she could have done differently? The truth is we can choose to be many things in this world, but some things are out of our control. I have to believe that this was the way her story was written. Mum,” this time, nothing can stop my tears as I look at her casket, “Thank you for loving me. I don’t think I ever told you how much I appreciate everything you did for me. You sacrificed everything to protect me. You taught me to believe in the good even when life was bad. You taught me that to fly, you have to fall first. As much as I want to hold onto you, I know I have to let you go. So, mum, I give you permission to go. Spread your wings and fly.”

But I remain frozen as I realise I will never see my mum again. I will never see her bright green eyes or her soft smile. I will never hear her laugh or the sound of her voice. All I have left of her are my memories, but memories fade. How long will I remember all the small details about her? When I am sad, will I remember how it felt to be comforted by her? Who will hold me together when all I want to do is fall apart?

My knees finally buckle under the weight of heartbreak, and I fall to the ground as my sobs are loud. I cry as loud as I can to the sky, hoping the universe will understand my pain. My sobs are continuous as I allow myself to feel everything I have pushed down. The problem with holding onto heartbreak is that, eventually, the weight becomes too heavy to carry.

“I needed you to tell me it will get better. I needed you to tell me how to do this because I can’t. I can’t breathe, Jason. I need you. I need you to teach me. I need you to take this pain away. I need you to love me back. Why don’t you love me? Why?”

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I shouldn’t have left you to deal with this alone. I should have been there for Isaac and for you. I just couldn’t cope with the grief. Everything was a reminder that she was gone, especially your sadness. It’s selfish, but every time I looked at you and Isaac, it was a reminder that I was the one that was alone. You had no obligation to me, but you did to Isaac. I didn’t want to feel like a burden on you. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to everything I knew. I wanted to live in a world where I still had a family. I know it sounds like an excuse.”

“You don’t have to explain anything to me. She was your mum and you had every right to grieve however you saw fit. I need you to know that you will always have me. Just because Amber isn’t here anymore doesn’t mean I stop being your dad. You will never be a burden and it is killing me that I made you feel like that. You don’t owe me an apology for doing what you felt was right. If anyone needs to apologise, it’s me. When she passed away, I was completely lost. I should have helped with the funeral and been there for you.” Seeing him cry triggers the same reaction in me. “I am so sorry, Ava. I was so sad in losing my wife that I forgot you lost your mum.”

“Life doesn’t always give us what we want, but it will give us the tools to get to where we need to be. I should have been here, but I needed to find the strength to be. You should have been there when she left, but you needed to properly grieve. We both did what we had to do.”

“How can I expect you to be honest with me when you have been lying to yourself for months? You love him but are scared because you know the truth. He doesn’t want you, so you settled for me.”

“This is the heartbreak! Every single moment with you is heartbreak! Every moment without you is heartbreak! I can’t do this, Jason! It’s like the heartbreak is clawing up my body and wrapping its way around my heart. I can’t breathe.”

I take a long look at Trixie. Her blue eyes are honest as they stare back at me. Memories of us flash in front of my eyes that weaken my defences for a moment. But then I remember that stabbing pain in my chest from the night she betrayed me. Just because someone was once good to you, doesn’t mean they are owed your forgiveness. It’s okay to accept that some things aren’t meant to last forever. I don’t have to erase the good moments with her, but I do have to respect myself.

“Maybe, but this chapter of my life is finally done. The friendship between you and I will only exist in my book. That is all we are now. A completed chapter.”