More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
“I was scared. I was scared to admit my feelings for him, and I was scared of being alone. You were everything I wanted on paper and I knew I would be a fool to turn you away. I really did try, Alex. When I was with you, I tried not to think about him. I was with you, living in those moments. They were real, and it’s been killing me knowing you thought they weren’t. I wanted us to work. I could envision us being happy.”
“I should have known better. I thought I could love you enough for both of us. I should have let you go when I first saw the love in your eyes.” He sighs to himself. “For what it’s worth, I know Jason loved you.”
“I’m writing a book. It started as a way to understand how I ended up here. I wanted to pinpoint where it went wrong and who was to blame for all my pain. Somewhere along the line, as I wrote about us, I realised how much I hurt you. I’ll be honest, I felt so ashamed of some of my thoughts and actions I didn’t want to write them, but I promised myself I would be honest. If I am holding others accountable, I need to do the same with myself.”
“I never cared for friends, or maybe that is because I never had a friend like you. One that forces me out for milkshakes or coffee or paintballing or go-karting. I’ve never had a family to eat Sunday dinner with or decorate a Christmas tree with. Before you, I never realised how alone I felt in the world. I didn’t realise I was in darkness until you. Your inherent obsession with books, romance, the future and love used to irk me. There were times I wanted to just sew your goddamn mouth shut. But when I was alone and away from you, I missed your incessant chatter about irrelevant things.
“I didn’t grow up with dreams of falling in love or marriage or having happiness like most people. Maybe it was because I could never have dreamt up something so magical or perfect as you. Dreams like you shouldn’t exist because you’re too pure. You’re too good. But thank you. Thank you for giving me one dream in this nightmare.”
“I told you I didn’t have a heart, and maybe that is true. Maybe when you and I were created, my heart was designed for you. I’m starting to believe that life broke my heart, so the pieces could fit perfectly in yours to make it whole again. It’s yours, Avalanna. Keep it or break it; it was only ever yours to begin with. Just promise to take care of it. Protect it. Live with it. But most importantly, don’t be afraid to love with it because, as you once said, what is life without love?”
“My mum once said that to me. Of all the advice she gave me, that is the one that I hold on to. She was talking about love, but it can be for anything. You never know unless you try. Sometimes you have to close your eyes, take the leap, enjoy the ride and have faith that you will fly.”
The cartoon elephant has a smile on her face. Jason is watching me with caution. I struggle to say something. I want to beg him to fight. I want to tell him to try and live for me because I can’t be without him. I want to tell him he is selfish for letting me love him without giving me a chance to have him. All we have is a year of scattered memories and an incomplete love story.
“Everything I did, it was for you,” he whispers. “One day, you will understand why it has to be this way, Avalanna. This world never let me call you mine, but that is okay because look again.” He points at all his tattoos again, but I am still confused. “You are wherever you can feel my heartbeat. You are what keeps it beating, my Avalanna.”
“I am trying!” Feeling beat, I let my emotions fill the room. “All I ever do is try, but it is never enough! When will I be enough for you? All I have tried to do is make you happy! Nothing is ever enough!”
“Elephants are my favourite animal. They are more human than we think. They have empathy, care for their own, and grieve like us. They are creative and very inquisitive. If they could talk, I bet they would ask so many questions. Sometimes they can be a little mischievous, but they also protect their family and friends. I hope you grow up to be all those things.”
“I wish I could watch you grow up. I’m not worried about you, though. You have the best parents in the world. They love you so much. That love is what will build you for the world out there. It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken adults. I pray you never know how it feels to be broken and alone. Live your life, little one. Non solum est. Vivamus.”
But heartbreak is inevitable, little one. It isn’t only falling in love that causes heartbreak. Not everyone falls in love, but we are all heartbroken. People will let you down, hurt you and abandon you. Don’t let it consume you. Let it go. Accept that people come and go. Things will change. Love is not constant, but that isn’t a bad thing. Appreciate it while you have it, and search for it when it’s gone. Because you will find it again, little one. Love will always find you. Just remember to turn the page. The story only stops if you put the pen down.”
“Who else could be a better fit than the author who completed my story? All the moments of my life that are worth telling, you made happen.”
“No. You are the sun and I am the moon. The world can’t live without either, but you and I can’t exist together. And for you, my Avalanna, I would die every night just to see you rise again.”
“I wish you were strong because you make me weak, Avalanna.”
“Maybe in another life, we will be sat across from one another planning our future. Rather than being two people, scared to let go of the past because it is all we have.”
It’s been a privilege to have had my heart broken by you, Jason Finnegan-Hart.
“Yes. I think he would be proud. Jason asked me to write my version of the truth. It might not be accurate, but it is real to me. More importantly, Jason’s voice will be heard across the globe.” I let out a sigh. “I never wanted to let go of Jason. I tried so desperately to hold onto him. I didn’t want to share the Jason I knew with anyone. It’s why I sat with my pain for a long time. The problem is, when you sit with pain, it festers into something deeper. One day, I opened my laptop and started writing. I wrote page after page and the relief finally came. Shall I tell you why?”
“Because I have immortalised Jason. Jason will only exist in the stories we tell. I want the whole world to know who Jason Finnegan-Hart was. He was not perfect, but he was real, exactly like this book.”
